Kyungsoo's POV

 

In the living room

 

I sat on the carpet with both twins in their bouncers beside me, looking through the photos Jongin's mother had taken at the beach. Looked like they had loads of fun at the beach. I would bring them back there myself when they were older, I promised myself. 

 

With our comeback nearing, such relaxing moments were rare. We hardly had a minute to breathe as we practiced relentlessly to prefect our performance. The members were all taking a nap right at this moment while Jongin was in the kitchen preparing more milk bottles. Jungwoo gurgled and waved his chubby arms, reaching out for me. 

 

"Come here, big boy," I lifted him off his bouncer and nuzzled my nose against his round belly. He giggled and laughed, his laughter twinkling like fairies dancing in the moonlight. 

 

Just then, my phone vibrated.

 

A message.  

 

Carrying Jungwoo in my left arm, I opened the message on my phone. The minute I saw the sender, a chill went down my spine.

 

 

 

Mom. 

 

"Kyungsoo. Meet me at xxx cafe in ten minutes."

 

What did she want now? We hadn't spoke for almost a year now ever since I was kicked out for being pregnant. Honestly speaking, I wanted to ignore that message. I didn't want to meet her. I was afraid of what she might say. 

 

But she was my mother. A tiny ray of hope that she might have changed her mind about me shone through my heart. Maybe, just maybe, she had come to accept me. 

 

"Jongin ah, I'm going to this cafe to meet someone." I stood at the kitchen door frame. 

 

He looked up from the bottles and took one look at my face. Somehow he seemed to sense my reluctance to leave. 

 

"Your family? Want me to come with you?"

 

"Nah. You need to look after the twins."

 

"You sure?" 

 

I nodded. 

 

"Ok. Promise that you'll call me if you need me."

 

"I promise. I'll be fine."

 

~

 

In xxx cafe 

 

She was late. 

 

Why was I not surprised?

 

Well, at least she chose a quiet cafe which had hardly any customers around. I sat at the furthest corner from the door, wearing a hat to conceal my identity. 

 

The bell at the door chimed and she walked in. Dark rings circled her tired eyes; her lips were taut and thin. She looked frail and unwell, her clothes swallowing her tiny frame. Immediately I couldn't help but feel worried for her. But some of that worry dissipated when I saw the tinge of resentment that shone in her eyes the moment she set eyes on me. She made her annoyance and dislike known as she sat down on the chair opposite me.  Nevertheless, I was worried for her health. 

 

"Hello, Mother."

 

"Don't call me that!" She spat angrily. 

 

There was a stillness between us, a restlessness that tied my stomach in a hangman’s noose. Her gaze was filled with hate and disgust. Why I let myself hope that perhaps she had changed, I didn't know. I sighed tiredly. Precious time was going to be wasted here today and I just wanted to leave. To be back with the twins. To be in Jongin's arms. 

 

"Is this why you called me out today? To throw more hate at me."

 

"Don't use that tone with me, young man. Don't forget I know all your dirty little secrets. What do you think will happen if I just open my mouth? I'm sure I just need to drop a little hint and the netizens will be able to dig every single thing up."

 

Fear gripped my heart.

 

"No, you can't do this to me..."

 

"Then how about you give me ₩10,000,000?"

 

What? Where was I going to get all that money from?

 

"Come on, Kyungsoo ah," her voice took a begging tone, "Your father and I have no more money left! And we had to take some loans as well. Now they are after the house!"

 

That couldn't be. Even after they disowned me, I was regularly transferring money to them every time I received my pay. It was more than enough to allow them to live very comfortably. Was it not enough? Should I send them more? 

 

Then, something clicked in my head and I hardened my will against her plead. 

 

"No, Mother. You and dad spent it all away in gambling."

 

At least she had the decency to look embarrassed. But the embarrassment on her face was soon replaced by fury. 

 

"Look what you have done to me. To this family. You have been nothing but a disgrace." She said spitefully. "Everything bad that had happened to this family was because of you and the stupid decisions you made. And yet you still want to be disrespectful to your own mother? So much so that you won't even give me some money? How selfish of you. How could you just think about yourself? Did you not spare a thought for this family at all? You are nothing but a failure, a disgrace, the black sheep of the family. Gay? In a relationship with a guy? You are disgusting and revolting. And as if that was not enough. You had to get pregnant. You are a freak of nature. You are a mutant. You are a monster!" She shrieked.

 

Then a tight slap hit the left side of my face. 

 

"You should have never been brought into this world."

 

At that moment, it was as if the world stopped. Stunned, I sank back into my chair and my head involuntarily hung low. My hand flew up to cup the area that had been slapped. The pounding of my heart ringed loudly in my ears. I felt hot tears fill my eyes and threatened to spill.  It was one thing to be disowned by your parents. It was another to have your entire existence questioned. 

 

Having two sons of my own made it extremely difficult for me to comprehend her words. 

 

No one should bring children into the world if they were unwilling to persevere to the end for their children's nature and education. But the fact was right in front of me; the woman who gave life to me me didn’t want me. In her eyes I should never have been born. And perhaps that would’ve been best. To her, my existence had proven to be nothing more than a nuisance for everyone. I angered my father, brought strife upon my mother, destroyed my family. All by simply being. 

 

By now, tears were flowing freely down my face. Instead of consoling me, she clamped down hard on my wrist, gripping it until it hurt. 

 

"What the hell are you crying for?"

 

"I..." My breath comes in a hiccup. "I'm no-"

 

"Get yourself together! This is pathetic. You are pathetic. You are a . A . And that lover of yours. Jongin? The devil. And your babies, spawns of satan. What a little hideous family you have there."

 

Something within me snapped. My tears stopped. Heat raced through my body, driving the weakness out of me. I shot up to my feet and smacked down on the table so hard my knuckles burn with the impact. She stared at me, her face bright with shock, and I stare back.

 

"Don't you dare," I glared at her, "You can say all the insults in the world about me but don't you dare insult Jongin or my babies." I yank my arm from her grasp and began to walk towards the door of the cafe. 

 

"You walk away now and you'll lose your mother." She shouted from behind me. 

 

I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face her. Giving birth to a child did not make you a mother. It was the love you gave, the lessons you taught, the sacrifices you made that made you one.  

 

"I never had one to begin with." 

 

"You little---" I walked out of the cafe before I heard the rest of her sentence. 

 

It was raining. Tiny droplets of cold water hit my hot face, sending shivers down my spine. But I didn't mind the rain; at least no one could see me crying. It felt as if I was under water where the world seemed to be slow and far away. The air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense. I was thinking and yet my mind was blank. As I walked back to the dormitory, I cried. And cried. It was as of crying was the only avenue I had to let out all the confusing mixed feelings I had. 

 

The minute I opened the dormitory door, there he stood. Waiting for me with open arms. I threw my arms over his shoulders without even thinking the way and simply sobbed on his shoulder. His clothes smelt so good. I felt his hand resting on my head, and for that second I felt like nothing could ever go wrong. Not when Jongin was with me. I tried to explain what had happened to him but I couldn't get a word out through my tears. He just hushed me and the back of my head.

 

 

 

"Shh. I know. I know."

 

We stood there at the door in a tight embrace until I had cried my heart out and my heart stopped pounding. Then Jongin slowly led me to the twins, who were bouncing happily in the living room. I welcomed the change; to do fatherly things with the boys. 

 

Those tickles with dear Jungwoo, with his deep soulful eyes, and the wondrous things he sees with them. 

 

Those kisses and hair grabbing with Dongwoo and his deep soulful voice, thr precious though not entirely memorable things he said with it. 

 

Earlier in the day, I was weeping for an completely different reason. When I watched the twins smile and laugh, I saw something else. 

 

A whole new world of hope and peace. 

 

Looking at Jungwoo and Dongwoo, my heart swelled with pride and love. I'll be the one to protect them from their enemies and all their demons. I'll be the one to kiss away their tears and treat their wounds when try fall. I'll be the one to read them bedtime stories and tuck them to bed. How my parents could so easily throw me aside was beyond me. No way was I going to make the same mistakes. 

 

I had always thought that I was going to grow up to be like my parents. Always angry and unhappy. And that frightened me. But as I grew older, the confidence that I could do better grew as well. Today was the turning point which gave the last and final push. I was now completely confident that I was going to do better. As a lover. As a parent. As a person. 

 

They saw themselves as the owner of their children. That's where I will be different from them. Being a parent wasn't just about bearing a child. It was about bearing witness to its life. And while we try to teach our children all about life, they are the ones who teach us what life is all about. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My children taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. 

 

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