The second I opened my eyes I regretted it. Not only was there a couple of seconds of blinding pain from the light there was the realisation that I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I looked to the side and saw exactly what I hadn’t wanted to see. My ex was laying on his stomach with the sheets pulled up just high enough to cover his waist. The pain in my spine and taste in my mouth told me that I hadn’t dreamed what had happened the night before.

I pulled the sheets off of me and rolled out of the bed. The place was a mess. I cringed slightly at the way his things were thrown so carelessly around the room. Pictures were turned downwards and drawers were left open. It was filthy. I tried to ignore the state of the place I had once lived and limped to the bathroom.

The smell in the room was almost enough to make me gag. I didn’t dare even look at the sink because I knew it would probably be a danger zone. After digging around a bit I found two clean towels and the water. It didn’t matter to me what the temperature was. I just needed to get clean. The cold streams of water beat down on my back as I cleaned his fluids off of my thighs and (what were most likely mine) off of my chest.

Flashes of the night before kept flashing through my brain and made me want to break down. I had been so drunk. I had wanted him so badly. I couldn’t even remember how we got to the apartment. We were at the bar and then he was leaving hand shaped bruises on both of my hips and had tattooing my chest with more hickeys and bite marks than I could count. I had never been more ashamed in my life.

I washed as much of the sweat and off of my body and out of my hair as I could before stepping out of the shower. I wanted to be out before Yongguk woke up. I didn’t want to talk about this. We screwed and we shouldn’t have. I dried myself off with the towel and then walked through the apartment to find some clothing. Jaehyo had retrieved the majority of my things weeks earlier so the only things left were a couple of stained t-shirts. The last thing I wanted to wear was a shirt stained with Yongguk’s fluids but I didn’t really have a choice. I pulled one on and prayed that I wouldn’t think about it until I got a new shirt.

Yongguk was still sleeping soundly when I walked back into the bedroom. It took everything in me not to start crying as I made my way across the room to the small desk I’d forced him to buy us when I’d started going to school. My pink sticky notes were where I’d left them so I grabbed the pad and wrote “This was a mistake.” on the top one then stuck it on my pillow.

I dressed myself and hurried out of the apartment before I could be caught. I was never drinking again.

“I’m going to kill myself Jaehyo!” I wailed as I burst into my best friend’s apartment. “I’m going to throw myself in front of a bus!” I was in hysterics and couldn’t have cared less that I sounded like an insane person. I’d just slept with Yongguk again and it hurt more than I could have ever imagined. It actually felt like I was dying.

My shirtless best friend came out of his bedroom and from the slightly annoyed look on his face I knew who he had in the room with him. I could see him become concerned the second he saw me though. I was sure I looked like a mad person. “Chan?” He came out of the room, stuffing back into his jeans as he walked, and pulled me into his arms. I cringed slightly knowing that his hands were disgusting but curled into his touch anyway. “What happened Himchan?”

I wiped at my tears and avoided his eyes. I had never felt so much shame in my life. I hated it. “I went drinking last night.” He sighed at my words and I knew he was judging me. He kept telling me to stop drinking, my parents did too, but the alcohol had been making me feel better. I wasn’t going to go back to that bar again though. Not after the night before. “I went to that bar near the apartment because they have the best beer. I hate beer. Guk loves beer but I hate it.” I mumbled and wiped some snot on my friend’s shoulder. “He was there! And I went home with him. We had . He had with me!”

A door somewhere in the apartment opened and then I felt the couch dip down next to me. I had been right. I felt a hand brush though my hair and I whimpered. Yongguk had pulled my hair so roughly while I had been going down on him. He’d never been so rough before. “It’s okay, Chan. Just calm down okay?”

“No. I will not calm down Ahn Jaehyo!” I hit at his chest and then heard him start speaking in some horrible version of Korean that I couldn’t understand. I hated when he did this. His stupid boyfriend was from the same stupid city as he was and they could talk to each other without me understanding a word of it. I was in crisis and he was flirting with his stupid boyfriend. I hit him again and he kissed the top of my head. “I miss him. I’m not supposed to miss him. I was doing fine but now I slept with him and tomorrow would have been seven years since he asked me to be his boyfriend and you don’t even care so just go have with Daehyun!”

The person next to me sighed and pulled on me so my head was in his lap while my legs sprawled across Jaehyo’s body. I glared up at him and he just smiled. I hated him. He was a horrible person. “Being single is way better. You can live life more freely.”

“If being single is so awesome then why couldn’t you make it happen?” I flipped him off and rolled out of his lap.  “Go screw each other.” I flipped them both off again and stormed out of the apartment to be alone in my misery. 

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