TW: This is a work of FICTION. DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, wag masyado dibdibin. If heavy cursing, toxicity and physical fights make you uncomfortable, Pls skip this chapter.

You have to be careful who you give your all because the people you most expect to stick around can literally up your life.

I have to let everything out and write this on my journal while I am on a ing flight back to Manila. This is some sort of a release and after this wala na talaga. I am going to free myself from the misery that a ing stone-hearted put me through. There will always be an invisible line between us that I will never want to cross until the day I die. I'm gonna make a promise to myself that I will not let anyone hurt me like this ever again and I deserve better.

As much as I want to forget what happened four days ago, I find the need to write all of it here. I am going to use it as a reminder of how horrible things have turned out for me and how she has given me the worst experience of my life.

New York, everything!

you Karina Yu.

January 4, New York City

Kumakain kami ni Giselle dito sa La Conservatoire, she booked us a reservation for lunch para daw masarap yung kainin namin bago kami pumunta sa office nila Karina. Medyo hapon na nung nag lunch kami kasi sinamahan ko pa siya sa 5th ave dahil nag shopping siya kanina. Mukang madami din pinasabay si Ning kaya parang yun lang ang ginagawa namin for the past two days.

"Eat up Winter. You look tired, natutulog ka pa ba?"

"Yeah natulog ako kagabi." Pinagmamasdan ako ni Giselle habang cncrack at tinatanggal ko sa shells yung escargot na kakainin niya."Ito na, grabe parang ang dami mo naman inorder, dba nag breakfast ka naman kanina?" Dalawa lang kami pero yung food sa table namin parang good for five persons.

"Yeah I did. The food here is really good, kaya nga dito ako nagpareserve. Anyway, you didn't answer my question."

"Ano yun?"

"Kung natutulog ka pa ba. How was your sleep?"

"Natulog ako kagabi." Nilalaro ko lang yung lemon na nasa stick dito sa cocktail na iniinom ko habang nag ssketch ako dito sa papel na nasa harap namin. Sobrang appetizing yung mga pagkain pero parang wala talaga akong gana at parang wala din akong panlasa ngayon. 

"Do you need some melatonin? We can buy from the pharmacy."

"I sleep fine Gigi, natutulog ako pag gabi."

"Well it doesn't look like it."

"What doesn't look like it?"

"Na natutulog ka, you're so out of it Winter para ka kaya nagllag pag kinkausap kita. Even Squish notice it, we have to yell at you sometimes kasi natutulala ka."

"Don't mind me it's just the jetlag, hindi pa nakaka adjust yung body clock ko. Ikaw ba? Ang sarap ng tulog mo eh."

Sa sobrang madalian yung travel namin sa Nyc wala tuloy kaming choice kung hindi mag share nalang sa iisang room. Walang available kasi madami pa din tourists na nasa holidays dahil first week of January palang. Buti nalang hindi na nagreklamo si Giselle dahil okay and convenient naman yung location ng hotel namin.

"You have dark circles around your eyes, do you want under-eye patches? I brought some with me you can ask for it later at the hotel."

"I am fine Gigi don't worry about me, kumain ka lang dyan, ito na oh naalis ko na lahat sa shell. Hindi ba sasakit tiyan mo dito?"

"I'm not gonna be bloated and full because I don't eat carbs."

"But you are eating garlic bread, carbs kaya yan. Wait, ngayon na ba talaga tayo pupunta dun?"

"Yes that's the purpose why we came here."

"Pwede be mamasyal nalang tayo ngayon kahit mag shopping ka sasamahan kita, tapos bukas na lang ako makikipag usap. Parang hindi pa ako ready. I don't know what to tell Karina parang mauutal ako sa sobrang kaba."

"Winter you cannot keep delaying it, that's the reason why we are here. Try to talk to her na. Do not delay it kasi uuwi na tayo on the 8th, dapat dba nung January 2 pa tayo pupunta sa office niya. Tapos you told me that you are gonna do it yesterday but you invited me to go to the museums kaya sabi mo napagod ka."

"I am so anxious, I'm sorry I don't know if I'll be able to handle it."

"You can do it, sasamahan nga kita eh you will just go and talk to her. Bakit ka ba natatakot kay Karina? She was your girlfriend."

"Was."

"Oh my god I'm so sorry Winter."

"It's okay, sorry din delay ako ng delay, hindi ko kasi alam kung kaya ko siya harapin."

"It will be alright I will be there with you. Eat your lunch na anong oras na it's almost three o' clock. Kumain ka naman ng vegetables, why are you not touching the salad? Puro ako lang kumakain satin. Try the bone marrow and the lobster I noticed puro bread kinakain mo, even when we were on the plane you didn't eat."

"Wala akong gana talaga."

"You can't keep doing this, you are getting thinner kaya kumain ka. Inorder ko nga yung mga gusto mo eh, come on eat up I even ordered us steak with fries on the side. You have to eat, you are starting to look weak."

"Okay sige. Kahit ang ganda dito sa restaurant na to Gigi alam mo hindi ko talaga ma-enjoy eh."

"I know how you are feeling, it's like you have this dark cloud above you and everything doesn't makes sense. You know the reason why?"

"Ano?"

"It's because you are at the hardest stage of break up."

"Anong gagawin ko pag mamaya sabihin niya sakin na ayaw na talaga niya?"

"Why don't you answer it, what is the right thing to do?"

"I don't know."

"Of course you know, you are just avoiding and denying it."

"Maybe, pero ang hirap kasi talaga if you are the dumpee. Tapos sobrang biglaan pa." 

"We cannot force someone to be with us and love us kung ayaw na nila. You need to accept and focus on yourself Winter, unfortunate things like this is inevitable. You know how tricky life is, sometimes it just s you up."

"It's easy to say but it is totally hard to do. Lalo na yan, I didn't expect this from Karina, I mean it happens because it is normal in relationships but the way she did it was just plain wrong."

"That's why you have to know her reasons. I just hope na sabihin niya lahat sayo before tayo umalis."

"Nanghihinayang ako, we could've created the best life together. Okay na eh konti nalang, magiging Architect ako and I want us to get married na, I was even telling her na pwede kami mag move dito. Yes our relationship was not perfect but for me it was the best. Karina was so good to me and she was an amazing girlfriend, parang bigla nga lang siya nawala sa sarili tapos nakalimutan na niya ako."

"You will find out later what has gotten into Rina. But whatever happens Winter, please put yourself first always. You are a good girlfriend to her too and I know that because I have seen it, hindi ka nagkulang sakanya baka nga sumobra ka pa."

"Do you think so? Hindi ba masyado akong naging obsessive or clingy tapos nagsawa siya sakin kaya ganito?"

"Obsessive and clingy eh magkalayo nga kayo, don't be stupid. Do not degrade yourself, you were doing your best for your relationship and we all know that Rina was the one who did you wrong. I won't side with her dahil best friend ko siya pero mali naman talaga yung ginagawa niya sayo. You cannot blame Squish and Ryujin kung bakit nagagalit sila."

"Tingin mo kakausapin niya ako mamaya?"

"When you are already standing in front of her malamang she won't have a choice na."

"Natatakot ako."

"You are scared of Karina or you are scared of whatever the outcome might be?"

"Both."

"First of all, why would you be scared of Rina? She is your person."

"I have to correct you, she was my person. I don't know Gi, you will find out later makikita mo yung pinagbago niya. She is very daunting, parang matatakot ka huminga sa paligid niya eh."

"Is that so? She changed into that? I can't imagine, Rina is a chill and simple person kaya nga mas madaming nag aapproach sakanya instead of me."

"Oo nga promise, hindi ko ineexaggerate to. Makikita mo mamaya, para siyang si ate Tiffany, yeah that's the perfect way to describe her. She's another Tiffany Yu but she is more of a , because ate Tiffany is such a sweetheart, ang bait niya sakin." 

"Oh no, I cannot wait to see her. What did Wonyoung tell you, what time can we see Karina?"

"4pm daw wala ng meeting, magwwork nalang daw si Rina dun sa office niya. So pano?"

"Anong pano it's 3:15 na and you haven't eaten! What are you doing there ba, what are you drawing? Kanina ka pa nag ssketch dyan and you haven't even touched your food. Kumain ka Winter I swear to god hindi tayo aalis dito pag hindi ka kumain."

"Oo na teka lang matatapos na ko dito."

"You are becoming so skinny. Even Ennik has been bugging me na pilitin daw kitang kumain."

"Oo nga eh ang dami niyang message sakin na ganun. I'm thankful for Somi though, may concern talaga siya."

"You won't be able to do windsurfing pag ganyan ka kapayat, hindi ka nakikinig kay Squish."

"Kumakain naman ako eh, thanks for your concern. Pano pala tayo pupunta dun malapit nalang yung building nila dito."

"Uber."

"Gigi ang traffic dito, bakit ba ayaw mo mag subway?"

"I cannot ride the subway Winter nandidiri ako."

"What the , bakit naman it's just a train."

"A lot of weirdos are there plus masyadong madaming rodents."

"Oh my gosh, okay sige mag uber nalang tayo. Ayaw mo mag motorbike?"

"The one that you were driving the other day?!"

"Yeah the Moped. Mas mabilis yun mag ganun nalang tayo."

"Oh no, no freakin way Winter, over my dead body. It looks like a pizza delivery, it's gonna kill my whole fit."

"Hahahaha okay sige na nga bakit pala sobrang nakabihis and ayos na ayos ka ngayon?"

"I want to, bawal ba?"

"Nung nag shshoping tuloy tayo nilalapitan ka nung mga retail assistant, pinagtitignan ka din ng mga tao akala ata Kpop idol ka."

"That's how you do it. Tapos papasakayin mo ako sa motor? No way."

"Hahahaha eh bakit nga kasi todo porma ka ngayon? Buti nalang hindi summer dito or else lagkit lagkitan ka."

"You are disgusting."

"Totoo naman eh buti winter season ngayon kaya hindi ka pinagpapawisan. Bakit ka ba naka ganyan, saan tayo pupunta after?"

"Well you guys told me that they are the 'It crowd' so this is part of my strategy, you have to intimidate them as well. Baka palabasin tayo sa office nila later, you will never know, it's better to be prepared. We can also go to the club after if you wanna grab a drink."

"So alam mo din na may possiblity nga na hindi tayo papasukin sa office nila noh?"

"I don't know Winter it's just better to be prepared."

"Malapit na mag four. Let's go?"

"You, are you ready? Ubusin mo muna yan kinakain mo, para may energy ka. You need energy so you can handle it if they force us to leave her office."

"Hahaha o tignan mo. Kinakabahan ako Gigi ."

"Don't, so you can get this over with. This is it, talk to her sabihin mo na lahat ng gusto mo. Talk it out because you need closure or baka ma-save niyo pa, you know arrangement and compromise."

"Yeah okay, sana talaga."

"Message Wonyoung now, let her know that we are coming but do not tell Karina because she might hide from you."

"Pero hindi si Wonyoung sasama satin dun, for sure yung assistant ni Karina. Sa main editorial team si Wonyoung eh. Pero sasabihin niya satin kung andun nga sa office."

"Who is the assistant?"

"I don't know her, a random white girl named Liv. Although maepal yun ang sungit niya, sakanya ako nakipag usap nung gusto ko makita si Rina eh she's a snob."

"I do not give a whoever she is or kung masungit siya, we need to see Rina that's the whole point."

"Yeah okay."

"Wag ka nga matakot Winter, you are doing this thing again halatang kinakabahan ka. By the way, is ate Jessica there?"

"Yung bestfriend ni ate Tiffany? Wala nasa Paris naman siya naka base kasi may office din sila dun."

"It will be easier to talk to Rina if ate Jessica was there."

"I haven't even met her."

"She is nice. Get ready na, ano ba yan dndrawing mo kasi, nag gaganyan ka ba to overcome the jitters?"

"Hindi."

"Winter yung itsura mo oh my god, you have to relax. Huminga ka ng malalim, muka kang mag ttake ng board exam, you will be fine. I'm gonna get the check na, the uber will be here in ten minutes."

"Okay sige ako na magbabayad nitong food natin."

"No! Kumain and mag sketch ka nalang dyan, it's my treat because you need to eat."

"Thank you Gigi."

"You are welcome dalian mo na."

4:00pm

Andito kami ni Gigi sa front desk ng office nila. Hinihintay lang namin yung assistant niya dahil naguusap na sila ngayon and siya yung mag llead samin papunta sa office ni Rina.

Kanina pa nanlalamig mga kamay ko at ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Ngayon ko nalang ulit makikita si Karina dahil yung huling beses na nakita ko siya ay yung napaaga ako ng uwi, first week ng December. Sana makausap ko na siya ngayon para matapos na at gustong gusto ko na din siya makita.

Kita ko na nag lalakad na papunta samin yung assistant ni Rina, naka ilan minuto din namin siyang hinihintay dahil nagpapaalam pa ata siya."Giselle, it's Giselle right? Karina will not be able to attend to you now because she is finishing something up for the campaign."

"Tell her that we will be going home tomorrow and I need to see her now, it's urgent."

"Let me see what I can do, you wait here."

"I will. Thank you."

"Gigi nag message si Wonyoung, Rina's office is located at the farthest right. Muka daw kasing ayaw tayo kausapin."

"Got it, that's our last option Winter hintayin muna natin bumalik si Liv."

"Gigi kinakabahan ako bakit parang ayaw ni Karina."

"I think she is not ready to face you but let's try, the two of you need to talk. I'm sorry if parang nakikialam ako sainyo but I also need to tell her something."

"No it's okay, hindi nga enough yung thank you ko sayo, but I mean it Gigi thank you."

"You are welcome, just calm down you still look scared."

"Hindi ko mapigilan eh kinakabahan ako."

"Remember what I told you, whatever happens you always have to put yourself first."

"Yeah, ayan na siya."

"Karina asked me to tell you that she will call you at 8pm because she will be leaving in a few minutes for a meeting."

"All of a sudden she will be in a meeting? Really? I don't think so. Why dont you mention that her best friend wants to see her."

"She is so busy right now, even I am having a hard time coordinating with her."

"You are having a hard time Liv? Okay then why don't you just stay here and I will talk to Rina myself. Winter halika na." Hinatak ni Giselle yung kamay ko at nagmamadali kaming pumasok sa office nila Karina. Tangina parang lalabas na yung puso ko sa kaba, nag eeksena kami ngayon dito sa office dahil napaka oa at ingay pa nitong walang hiyang assistant niya.

"The two of you are not allowed in here!"

Buti nalang kasama ko si Gigi kahit papano lumalakas loob ko. Pero puta pinag titinginan na kami. Nakatingin yung mga staff habang naglalakad kami papunta sa room ni Rina, nakita ko na nalagpasan na din namin yung work station ni Wonyoung.

"This is non of your business Liv you may go, I am here to see my best friend and this is a personal matter, not part of your job."

"I am going to call the police this is trespassing and you are not allowed to do this!"

"Don't with me Liv, I will ruin your life and I'm gonna kick your out of Manhattan, do not try me!"

Nakita ko na si Karina putangina andito na kami sa pinto ng office niya. Nakahiwalay siya at may sarili siyang kwarto buti naman, sa ganun mas madali ko siyang makakausap.

"Winter there she is, you go inside and talk to her." Hinawakan ni Gigi yung kamay ko at sabay kaming pumasok sa pinto ng office ni Karina. "Ang lamig ng kamay mo, relax you can do this. I'm just right here hihintayin kita dito sa labas I'll take care of the assistant."

"Yeah thank you Gigi."

"Now go inside and close the door." 

Sinunod ko yung sinabi ni Giselle, pumasok ako sa office ni Karina at sinara ko yung pinto. Tangina kahit nakatalikod siya ang ganda niya pa din talaga, hindi ako makapaniwala na nasa harap ko siya ngayon.

"Rina, baby." Bati ko sakanya habang dahan dahan akong naglalakad palapit sa table niya. Hindi siya tumitingin pero nagsalita na siya. "What are you doing here?" Seryosong tanong niya sakin.

"Babe I'm here because I want to talk to you."

"You didn't get it the first time?"

Nakita ko na may tinatawagan siya sa phone, malamang yung assistant niya kaya ang ginawa ko lumapit ako sa table niya at pinindot ko yung plunger.

"Baby hihingi lang ako ng kahit thirty minutes mag usap lang tayo. Ang dami ko gusto itanong sayo, ang dami ko din gustong malaman."

"We've already talked on the phone, I even sent you a message. You still didn't get it?"

Bumalik na siya sa table niya at tinuloy na niya yung mga ginagawa niya. Simula nung pumasok ako dito sa kwarto niya kahit isang beses hindi manlang ako tinignan ni Karina.

Umupo ako sa upuan sa harap niya para mas makausap ko siya ng maayos. "Karina ano ba nangyari, bakit bigla ka nalang nag bago? Ano ba naiisip mo?"

"Baby"

"Rina tumingin ka naman sakin." Hindi niya inaangat ang muka niya kaya tumayo na ako sa upuan, lumapit ako sakanya at niyakap ko siya. Pinipilit ko siyang yakapin pero tinatanggal niya yung kamay ko at lumalayo siya sakin. "Karina ano ba nangyari sayo? Okay naman tayo nung kailan, four months ago lang yun hindi ka naman ganito, bakit ang bilis mo nagbago?"

"Winter I need to focus on my work, sinabi ko na nga sayo dba I am having a hard time hindi ko maisabay kasi hindi ko talaga kaya. Ano ba hindi mo magets dun?"

"Hindi mo maisabay kaya ako yung dnump mo? Ganun ba yun?"

"I don't have a choice."

"Anong walang choice Karina?! Nahirapan ka sa work mo kaya hiniwalayan mo ko? Eh sinusuportahan naman kita, sinabi ko naman na okay lang sakin kahit busy ka. Hindi naman kita ginugulo, I am not asking for too much!"

"Bakit kailangan mag hiwalay tayo?! Rina! Tumingin ka naman sakin."

Sumisigaw na ko dito sa harap niya pero tuloy lang siya sa ginagawa niya. "Karina, babe look at me!"

"Bakit ayaw mo manlang akong tignan?! Sagutin mo nga ako, ano ba nasa isip mo?"

"Sinabi ko na Winter, we can't go on anymore. Nahihirapan ako and I need to focus on my job."

"Para kang gago! Yung promises mo sakin tangina alam mo bang nine months ago lang yun? Nung August okay ka pa naman, pero nung nagiging successful ka na ayun nag iba ka na! Pumasok na sa ulo mo yan success mo!"

"Lower your voice and don't make a scene. Don't forget that you are in my office Winter. Nakakahiya."

"Anong nakakahiya, wala akong pakelam! Ngayon sagutin mo lahat ng tanong ko, may gusto ka na bang iba kaya ka ganyan? Ang bilis mo nagbago, tapos itatapon mo lahat ng pinagsamahan natin ng ganun lang? Ano reason bukod sa hindi mo ako kaya isabay?!"

"Ano ba nagawa ko sayo? What made you decide na idump ako? Tumingin ka naman sakin Karina please!"

"I am not seeing someone, I just want to focus on myself and my career plus I don't want any distractions right now."

"Ah so distraction nalang ako sayo ngayon? Baby pano yung years na pinagsamahan natin ano yun wala na talagang kwenta para sayo? All of them are meaningless to you now?"

[sobbing]

"Kausapin mo naman ako ng maayos Karina please hirap na hirap nako."

"You know what ayaw ko naman talagang gawin to but you've left me no choice, kailangan ko pumunta dito sa office niyo at icorner ka para lang kausapin mo ko, ito nalang yung way na alam ko dahil hindi na kita macontact."

"Sumagot ka naman baby please. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan, parang nung kailan lang andun tayo sa bahay tapos sinasabi mo sakin na mahal mo ko. Ngayon kung itrato mo ko para akong basura. Ano ba nangyayari sayo?"

"Karina tumingin ka naman dito."

"Rina, kausapin mo lang ako ngayon after nito hindi na kita guguluhin, titigil na ko. Iexplain mo lang sakin kung bakit ka biglang nagbago, ano ba nagawa ko? Babe please tignan mo naman ako. Bakit kailangan ako yung mawala sa mga priorities mo?"

[sobbing]

"Karina wag mo naman gawin sakin to, I was good to you. Hindi kita sinusumbatan pero alam ko naman na ginawa ko lahat para maging maayos relationship natin. Bakit tinatapon mo lang ng ganun?"

"Hindi mo manlang ako matignan ngayon, bakit naging ibang tao ka na Rina!"

"Kausapin mo naman ako gulong gulo na ko, iniisip ko kung may nagawa ba ako sayo. Bakit ka ba nagagalit sakin?"

"Ayaw ko na Winter tama na."

"Bakit!! Pano nag simula na ganyan nararamdaman mo sakin? Hindi ako naniniwala!"

"Sinabi ko na."

"Hindi ka nga makatingin sakin eh! Look at you, you are shaking and you can't even say it to my face!"

"Winter iba na. I am different now than when we were together."

"Bakit ang bilis? Ano nag trigger bakit biglang ganyan na nararamdaman mo. Parang nung kailan lang ang dami mo promises sakin. Sinabi mo sakin nag promise ka nung nasa airport