October 29 Thursday Two Days Before Halloween Party

Winter's POV

After learning about Chaehyun's illness, I promise to keep an open mind with regards to Karina having a mental disorder. I kinda confirmed it when I read the latter part of my journal. Possible na nag manifest yung symptoms niya nung time na nandito siya sa New York. Mas naiintindihan ko na ngayon when she said that it felt she was not herself anymore. Mukang ito yung pinaka dahilan ng break up namin na hirap siyang sabihin sakin.

The other day after I'm done with class I went to the bookstore to get some books that could give me a deeper understanding of what is it like to live with partners who are suffering from a bipolar disorder. May checklist na nakalagay dun sa isang libro, na-compare ko yung mga detalye na naisulat ko sa journal, nung time na nag aaway at naghihiwalay na kami. Parang eight out of ten dun sa list, nagpakita ng ganun signs si Karina. Malamang tama talaga yung hinala ko, yun ang dahilan kaya siya biglang nag bago.

I don't want to think about the what ifs and what could've been done. Instead I plan to educate myself about it para kapag nagkita na kami, alam ko kung pano siya iaapproach. Ayaw ko na mapressure siya kapag nagusap na kami tungkol dito.

I wanna hear what she has to say. Mental illness is very broad, dahil lang same sila ng gamot na iniinom ni Chaehyun, it doesn't mean na parehas na mismo yung disorder sila. Honestly I don't blame her if she chose not to tell me. I understand because it's not that easy and she probably has her own reasons.

I want to see her and I want to talk to her. Sobrang okay na ko, nakakalimutan ko na yung mga hindi magandang nangyari sa relationship namin. Oras na para tapusin na namin tong cool off na to, I'm ready and I cannot waste any more time. I need Karina and we have to get back together.

These past few weeks have been very odd and confusing. I don't understand why I always find myself in a strange and akward situation.

Yung nakakahiyang nangyari ay yung kay Minju. Minju is now my friend, lumalabas kami minsan but it's nothing romantic and I know my limits plus she is straight. It just happened na nagpapadala siya ng new cuisine and dishes na tntry niyang gawin.

Going back, nagpadala siya ng food last Sunday na iniwan niya sa doorman ng building. We didn't see each other because she was in a hurry and I was out doing my extra job which is dog walking. Kasama ko buong araw nun si Martina, yung punyetang maltese na maliit na mas maarte pa sakin. Nung araw na yun naka beret at sapatos pa talaga siya habang naglalakad kami dun sa park. Ewan ko ba pati mga aso dito kasing arte ng mga owners nila.

When I went back to the apartment kinain ko kagad yung chicken and waffles na pinabigay ni Minju. Weird lang kasi nung kumakain ako sobrang namiss ko bigla si Karina. I am not making this up pero same taste talaga yung lasa ng waffles sa niluluto niya, as in parehas pati yung lasa ng chicken. Nung naubos ko na, agad akong nagmessage kay Minju para magpasalamat. Napaka dami ko pang sinabi para akong gumawa ng food review, but it turns out, pancetta sandwich pala yung pinadala niya at hindi waffles. Nung una akala ko nagkamali ng inabot yung doorman, pero sakin din daw yun at may nag hatid nung umaga. Grabe yung hiya ko kay Minju nun, sinabi ko nalang na na-typo error ako tsaka ang sarap ng sandwich niya kahit hindi ko naman talaga nakain.

Recently ang dami din nangyayari na sobrang coincidental. I don't know if my mind is just playing tricks on me or baka kasi lagi ko na naiisip si Karina kaya parang lahat nalang ng bagay na makita ko na-rrelate ko sakanya.

When I went out with Chaewon last week. I told her again about how I believe in signs and destiny. Nag agree siya sakin kasi naniniwala din siya na totoo yun.

Before I make a single move, I want to be certain. Any sign that is related to Karina or our relationship is the only thing I need. Kapag nakita ko na yung sign na hinahanap ko, that's the go signal for me to find her. I admit, it will be hard because I have no clue as to where she is, but if ever I get the chance to talk to her. I'll let her know that I am ready and I want us to get back together.

Two weeks ago dun ako nagsimula humingi ng signs about kay Rina, simple signs lang naman yung hinihingi ko. I wanted to see random things that remind me of her. Nagulat lang ako kasi hindi ko inexpect na ganun kabilis mag manifest. At first I didn't even consider it, but it didn't happen just once, parang more than five times ako nakakita at naka encounter ng mga bagay na related samin.

Ito yung pinaka una at sobrang random. Sunday ng gabi before ako matulog, I prayed na sana maka encounter ako ng kahit isa lang. Two days after that, I unexpectedly saw someone.

I was having dinner with Chaehyun at Heidi's House,a restaurant in the Upper East Side. Nung nagbabayad na kami bigla kong nakita si Wonyoung na naglalakad sa labas. Dumaan siya sa tapat namin at nagkatinginan pa kami. One hundred percent sure ako na siya yun kasi naalala ko pa yung outfit niya, she was in a tweed coat na medyo mahaba. Hindi ko siya nakausap kasi nagmadali siya mag lakad nung nakita niya ako.

Second encounter. It was a Saturday, nagkita kami ni Chaehyun before ako pumasok sa work. Sabay kami nag breakfast sa Bluestone Lane in Upper East Side, dun kami lagi nagpupunta dahil andun yung mga favorite restaurants and coffee shop niya. Habang umiinom ako ng capuccino, nakita ko nanaman si Wonyoung na naglalakad papasok sa cafe. Babatiin ko dapat siya pero bigla siyang umatras nung nagkatinginan kami. Nag punta pa ako sa entrance para sundan siya pero hindi ko na siya nakita dahil bigla siya nawala. Ang weird lang kasi para siyang nakakita ng multo at nagmadali siyang umalis.

Third encounter, it was a Friday evening. We went to a Hungarian bakery in Yorkville. It's late but we still went there to get some pastries for Chaehyun's mom. Nung palabas na kami sa shop nakita nanaman namin si Wonyoung, she was casually walking at mukang pauwi palang siya nung nagkasalubong kami. Nung oras na yun hindi ko na talaga natiis, nagmadali kami ni Chaehyun na iabot sa driver yung boxes na dala namin at hinabol namin si Wonyoung. Muka kaming tanga nun kasi nagtatakbuhan kaming tatlo dun sa neighborhood na walang tao. Ewan ko ba kay Wonyoung para siyang tanga, hindi ko alam bakit iwas na iwas siya sakin eh babatiin ko lang naman siya. Dun sa tatlong beses na nagkita kami lagi nalang siyang parang gulat na gulat. Hindi ko alam kung may nagawa ba ako sakanya para umiwas siya ng ganun.

Sisiguraduhin ko na hindi na siya makakatakas next time na makasalubong ko ulit siya. Susundan ko siya at bibilisan ko pa yung takbo ko hanggang sa mahabol ko siya. Pwede din na may idea siya kung nasaan ngayon si Karina. Nag resign na ata siya from the magazine company kasi andito pa din siya at wala siya sa Manila.

Fourth coincidence, kakagaling ko lang sa school nun. I decided to stay at Sutton Parks until sunset because I was reading a book for Quantitative Reasoning. Nung malapit na ako umalis tumawag sakin si Chaewon. Nung ibababa ko na yung phone may naalala ako bigla dahil dun sa nabanggit niya. She asked me why I don't consider getting a Vespa kasi mukang kaya ko naman na. Sumagi sa isip ko nun yung conversation namin ni Karina. Napag usapan namin yun during out first date at Sutton Parks. Pinipilit ko siya na bumili kami ng scooter pero ayaw niya ako payagan.

Fifth sign or coincidence, it happened last week, it was a Saturday and I was at work. Nakaupo ako sa reception counter nung gallery, walang tao dahil madalang may bumisita sa art galleries ng tanghali. When I was sitting and doing my course modules, napansin ko na may black suv na ang tagal naka park sa tapat mismo ng building. Nung napansin ko na halos mag iisang oras na siya nakaharang dun sinubukan ko na lapitan. Nung paglabas ko sa pinto bigla naman umandar at bumukas yung isang car window. Medyo nasilip ko yung nakaupo sa back seat, hindi ko fully nakita yung muka but it was a girl na maganda. Nakita ko yung side profile niya, perfect yung ilong, at napansin ko din na kamuka niya si Karina. Namiss ko tuloy lalo yung giant baby ko nun, feeling ko sign yun na nakakita ako ng kamuka niya. 

Sixth sign or coincidence, nagpunta ako sa apartment ni Chaewon for the halloween costume fitting. Dumating din si Joy, yung stylist niya. Nakita ko na may hawak siya na magazine. Nung hiniram ko para tignan,nagulat ako na yun yung latest issue nila Karina. Ibibigay daw niya kay Chaewon kasi may ipapakita siya na hair and makeup from the runway. It was so out of the blue, pwede naman niya bigyan si Chaewon ng Vogue or Harper's Bazaar pero bakit yun pa talaga yung naisipan niyang dalin. 

Seventh sign, nung araw na binigyan ako ni Chaewon nung Stem Player, it's an audio remixing device with built-in speaker. I wanted to try it so she connected her phone because mine was charging that time. Nung naconnect na niya yung phone niya and she opened spotify, ang first random song na nag play ay yung couple song pa talaga namin ni Karina which is Charlie by Mallrat. That's the song that she would always play when we go on a road trip. Kahit nung college kami we remember each other kapag naririnig namin yun.

I only asked for a couple of signs but instead, I got seven. I know na okay na ako at handa na ulit ako sa relationship namin. Ang problema ko nalang ay si Karina dahil hindi ko siya mahanap. Wala talaga siya sa Philippines, kahit anong pag stalk ko sa mga posts ng friends namin tsaka sa mga ate niya, hindi ako makakuha ng lead kung saan ko siya makikita. Pero malakas ang kutob ko na andun siya sa office nila sa Paris. That will be my last option kapag wala pa ako nakuha na info until next week, I will have to find her there.

October 30 Friday One Day Before Halloween Party

11:30pm 

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" tanong sakin ni Chaewon, I nodded my head habang pinaglalaruan ko tong stem player na bigay niya sakin. Dito ako matutulog sa apartment niya kasi aalis na siya sa Sunday ng gabi. "Hey are you okay?" I didn't respond to her. Hindi ko inexpect na sobrang biglaan at ang bilis ng alis niya. Akala ko pa naman magkakasama kami during the holidays.

"My mind is all over the place at the moment, so if you're asking if I'm ready for the party, no I'm not." sagot ko sakanya bago ako tumayo sa kama, "there's something I have to give you." tumakbo ako papunta sa living room para kunin yung paper bags na dala ko. Muntik ko na makalimutan na may ibibigay ako sakanya.

"Farewell gift?" tanong niya sakin habang pinapasok ko sa kwarto yung paper bags."Can you not use that term please?" I asked her because I just hate it when someone mentions the terms farewell or goodbye.

"I see. You still have separation anxiety. Soon enough you'll get used to it, so what's bugging you?"

"Madami, do you want me to enumerate them?"

"We have all night, I can always listen to you rant, it's fine."

"Okay I'll talk about my worries before I show you my gift."

"Within your four months stay here in Brooklyn do you realize that you have given me presents countless times?"

"Is that a bad thing? you've been looking after me, it's just right na bigyan kita ng something. Like a token of gratitude."

"Evidently that is your love language."

"Hmm I don't think so. My giant baby said that my love language is slapping."

"Eww. Ang gago mo, have some respect for Karina will you?! That's too private and ual, kadiri ka."

"It was a joke okay? and it's just you, sanay ka na sakin and alam mo naman lahat about me. Para kang sila Ning and ate Taeyeon combined."

"Yeah I know that but don't go telling private stuff about you and Karina. Have some respect."

"Ikaw nga kasi yan, tsaka siyempre joke lang yun! Gusto mo na ba buksan yung gifts or mamaya nalang?"

"You can show it to me later, so what's up, what's been bothering you? and about what you told me the other day, sino yung inaabangan niyo ni Chaehyun sa Upper East Side, don't tell me may kaaway ka?"

"Ah yun, ikkwento ko nalang kapag nakasigurado na ko. Pag nahuli ko na siya with my bare hands." I showed her my hands, she's staring at me with a serious look on her face. "What?" I grinned at her sabay dive sa kama niya. "Para ka talagang bata Winter."

"So who are you trying to catch? Wag ka gagawa ng kalokohan dito I'm telling you, especially now that I'm leaving."

"Nothing. Kwento ko nalang sayo yung mga gumugulo sa isip ko,"

"Sure,"

"Unang una dun yung signs na hiningi ko para sa relationship namin ni Karina, I'm pretty sure I've seen them all but my problem is I don't know where to find her. Anong gagawin ko Chae? I think it's time. Gusto ko na siya makausap. Asan na kaya siya? Baka naman she's seeing someone na."

"So you'll cut short this on going break up that the two of you are doing?"

"Yes!!! Because it's time!!!" sigaw ko sakanya. Tumayo ako sa harap niya dahil hindi ko macontrol yung excitement and pagka intense ng nararamdaman ko."What the are you yelling for?!" inis na tanong niya sakin kaya natawa ako. "Stop shouting you I'm just right here. You're too loud."

"Hahahahaha sorry. It's time. Okay na ako tsaka kaya ko na. Kailangan na namin mag usap talaga ni Karina."

"How sure are you na okay ka na, what's your proof?"

"Madaming proof and reasons."

"Like what?"

"Okay ito yung first, kaya ko na basahin yung journal ko specifically yung break up and closure namin na hindi ko kayang buklatin yung pages dati. Ngayon kahit paulit ulit I don't care, hindi na ako affected nung binabasa ko yun the other night. Second, kaya ko na pumunta or dumaan sa kahit anong lugar that reminds me of her, kaya ko na pumunta sa West Village. I can tell na hindi na ako duwag. Third I have forgiven her and I have forgiven myself. I'm at a place that I'm willing to bury all the traumas I've had because it's over and I am doing great. Fourth, ito you might judge and yell at me for this. Kapag hindi ko pa nakausap si Rina I might do something stupid and I might totally lose her. Like extremely dumb things na pagsisisihan ko." I noticed that Chaewon's starting to look clueless with what I just said. "Ayaw ko iexplain" I added.

"You have to expound Winter."

"I am loyal to Karina that's it."

"I'll be the one to put it into words. You wanna finish your cool off with Karina because you are getting tempted to date other people, is that what you are trying to say?"

"Oh my god no! I don't want anyone else. I'm not gonna do something that would hurt Karina, siya lang talaga yung gusto ko. Basta dapat maging kami na. I will behave myself hanggang sa matapos ko na yung masters ko."

"How come you are this guilty? Look at you being so worked up, I didn't even say anything."

"Hahaha basta gets mo na yun. Bakit kasi ang gaganda ng mga kakilala niyo dito? Pati si Chaehyun ang gaganda ng acquaintances niya nakakairita."

"See, you can't even keep your mouth shut. There are so many temptations surrounding you and you are having a hard time stopping yourself, am I right?"

"No! You are wrong."

"Be honest with me, did you flirt with anyone since you moved here?"

"No. Never. I swear to whoever, but no. I never did something like that. I cannot flirt with anyone si Karina lang talaga yung gusto ko. She's my one and only giant baby and my wife. I'm already married."

"This is so funny, you sound like you are convincing yourself that you didn't do anything. Why are you so guilty? hahahaha"

"Hey! Clear conscience wala talaga, I'm here to study, work and walk the dogs."

"Okay so those are your reasons? You think you are ready hindi mo pinipilit sarili mo or what?"

"Yeah I feel great and I'm ready. Plus I've got all the signs that I've been wanting to see."

"Signs? Like what?"

"That's what I've been deeply asking for these past few weeks. I was waiting for a couple of signs but the universe sent me seven."

"Seven? wow, ang dami naman nun. How'd you say that those are the signs? Are you sure you ain't pushing it?"

"I think they are real because all of them are too random and they're related to me and Karina. Pinaka grabe yung sa magazine, plus the song that randomly played from your phone and lastly yung may nakita ako na kamuka niya dun sa harap ng gallery. Kahawig niya yung side profile nung girl, nung nakita ko yun sobrang namiss ko talaga yung giant baby ko. I need to see her gusto ko na siya makausap. Kahit through video call lang it's fine with me, kasi malamang nasa ibang country siya ngayon and she's definitely not in Manila based on what Ning said."

"When we were at the photo shoot, I remember that you kinda don't think of her that much na. What changed?"

"Uhh I realized that I want to be with her, bago pa ako masanay sa life na hindi ko siya kasama. Kasi sa totoo lang parang delikado, I mean pwedeng masanay na ako na wala siya."

"See! I am right again!" I bopped her nose nung bigla siyang sumingit nung may sinasabi ako. "Hey stop! Oh my god you cannot touch my face!! pag ako nagka pimples tomorrow I'm gonna curse you. I cannot look horrible Winter that's my last gig."

"Hahahahaha sorry hindi pa kasi ako tapos sa sinasabi ko sumisingit ka na eh. Tsaka yun nga, Karina needs me and it's time that we should be together again para maalagaan ko siya."

"But you will be staying here for more than one year pa, so long distance relationship?"

"Yes okay lang sakin yun basta importante kami na ulit. I'll be finishing my masters in less than two years naman so after that, tuloy tuloy na. We'll be together and I swear hindi na kami magkakahiwalay."

"Wait, are you sure that Karina is not in a relationship at the moment?"

"What ganun kabilis? Hindi pwede yun. Napagusapan namin bago ako umalis na kami pa din. Tsaka hindi naman gagawin sakin ni Karina yun, or baka pag ganun she'll reach out to me. She will let me know na may gusto na siyang iba. Ang epal mo naman Chaewon dinagdagan mo pa yung mga gumugulo sa isip ko eh."

"Sorry, I'm just stating facts I mean that could happen. When you get the chance to talk or if you see her, what do you wanna tell her?"

"I miss her so much like I can't even find the right words to describe how I miss Karina. So pag nakita ko siya, I'm gonna ask her if we can ." pagkatapos ko sabihin yun, saktong naglanding sa muka ko yung unan na binato niya buti nalang medyo nasalag ko. "It was a joke! hahahahaha"

"Oh my god Winter ang gago mo. Is that what you are after?!"

"Hahahaha I'm kidding! joke nga lang yun ano ba." hinarang ko na yung kamay ko ng nakita ko na hawak nanaman niya yung isang unan,"ing is the first thing that comes into your mind?! I told you to have some respect!"

"Oo na! Joke kasi yun, masyado ka naman seryoso eh. Itatanong ko how she is doing like kung ready na ba siya. Then I'll go on and ask her to be my girlfriend again, like I'm not gonna beat around the bush, yun na kagad."

"If she is not ready and she says no, what are you gonna do?"

"Oo nga noh, pwedeng tumanggi siya kung hindi pa siya ready. It's okay, hihintayin ko nalang hanggang sa maging handa na din siya."

"Awww what a hopeless romantic you are. You still want my advice or nevermind?"

"Of course, may sense mga pinagsasabi mo kahit napaka harsh."

"If you feel that you have totally healed and moved on. I mean what's the reason for you to delay it? Go after her. Karina loves you so much, all of us know that, and you. You love her the same even though you do and say a lot of stupid things, you are sincere with how you feel about her. You are very clear with what you want and your plans for your relationship. I believe that you two belong to each other, so why waste more time?"

"Thank you, that's so nice of you to say."

"As compared before you seem free and okay. It took you what, four months to heal yourself?"

"Yeah going five."

"I'm really proud of you."

"Well thanks to you because you are a big help. You did what you promised me and I owe you a lot. Kung hindi kita naging friend, baka hindi ako natuloy mag take ng masters tapos ang gulo namin ni Karina. We won't be able to give each other space. Bakit nga ba kasi ang bait mo sakin? Sinabi mo lang na naalala mo sakin yung sister mo."

"Don't ask about that. Anyway, uhm there's another thing,"

"Yeah?"

"Karina should take you back bago ka pa lumandi with other girls or with random people you meet. Tigilan mo na si Mon chéri that's disgusting."

"Hahahaha oh my god si Antoinette nga yung si mon cheri, she only understands french! Basta ang goal ko lang matapos ko na yung masters para makasama ko na si Karina."

"Yeah and I think four months is enough, you are ready for her and I hope that she is ready for you too. All the best to the both of you for this new chapter in your life. I mean it Winter."

"Thank you so much Chaewon. Pero hindi pa ako tapos, may isa pa na nakakagulo sa isip ko."

"There's more? Okay do tell. Maybe I can help."

"Wag nalang baka asarin mo ko."

Chaewon and I, we are not blood related but I treat her as my sister. Siya yung tao na kahit lagi kaming nagbbwisitan, I truly care for her and she is very dear to me. Nasanay ako na kasama siya kaya nung sinabi niya sakin na aalis siya tapos hindi pa sigurado kung kailan siya babalik, parang ang bigat sa loob at nalulungkot talaga ako.

"Stop being maarte ang dami mo na nga sinabi. Don't hesitate, it's just me."

"Fine." I took a deep breathe because I wanted to ask her this last week pa pero nahihiya ako and I don't wanna look clingy. "Hey you are zoning out again, are you sleepy?" she snapped her fingers in front of my face. "Wake up."

"Chaewon why do you have to leave?"

"I already told you it's for the tour."

"E dba five months lang naman yung tour, bakit indefinite yung time na babalik ka?"

"Something came up and I have to go home."

"Matagal ka sa UK? Hindi ka babalik kagad?"

"It's indefinite and I also need to travel to Manila, I have to check the cafe."

"You can have someone do that for you. Gano ka katagal mawawala, ilan months?"

"I don't know because it depends on our Europe schedule, they might add other music festivals."

"Ilan months nga?"

"Winter what's wrong?"

"Nothing tinatanong ko lang."

"You cannot be this clingy to people I always remind you that."

"I am not clingy it's just that I didn't expect that you will leave this early. Akala ko nung sinabi mo sakin, sa February ka pa aalis, pero tangina sa Sunday na ng gabi, less than 72 hours nalang yun eh."

"Stop doing a countdown."

"The day after the halloween party aalis ka na pala tapos hindi ka na babalik, sobrang biglaan naman."

"I will come back and I will see you again, I'm just not sure when. I've explained it to you before that this what I do, it's part of the job."

"I understand but I just feel like-"

"Don't tell me you are going to cry over this? stop it."

"Ang epal mo hindi naman eh."

"Your voice is crackin