"What is wrong with you, Kat?! Hindi ka na ba talaga natuto?"

 

Giselle barged in my room all of a sudden.

 

Gosh, ang aga nanaman niya akong lelecturan. I'm used to this but still, can she at least let me have my breakfast first.

 

"Giselle, can you tone it down? I haven't gotten enough sleep yet." I turned my back from her, pretending I'm going back to sleep.

 

"What time did you get home ba? So you were with her hanggang umaga? And don't try denying. I saw your IG story."

 

I can almost see her rolling her eyes at me.

 

She always does this every time "natatanga" daw ako kay Yeji, my ex-girlfriend.

 

The last time this happened was when she scolded me last sem nung sobrang ginugol ko yung time ko sa acads para ma-distract ako from my falling out with my ex.

 

May mga times kasi na I somehow spiral kapag naiisip ko yung nangyari sa amin ng ex-girlfriend ko.

 

Pinilit pa nga ako ni Giselle na mag download ng dating apps para may iba naman daw akong distraction and to meet other people.

 

I did not want to meet other people. And I don't need other people to "distract" me.

 

I can handle myself on my own.

 

But because I wanted to shup her up about it, I let her download Tinder on my phone.

 

She was so excited to set up my profile.

 

Siya yung nag lagay ng bio and ng mga pictures ko doon sa app.

 

I pretended interested while she was doing it pero hindi ko naman talaga ito gagamitin. Gusto ko lang tumigil na siya sa pangungulit.

 

Hindi pa ako marunong gamitin yung app nung una so hinayaan ko na siya ang gumawa ng pag swipe left and right.

 

Maybe that's why tambak ako ng messages from different guys and girls sa Tinder inbox ko.

 

I told Giselle I'd reply sa mga nagchat when makahanap na ako ng time after ng requirements and final exams ko to finish off the sem.

 

But I didn't. And even sa free time ko, hindi na ako nag bother mag check ng mga messages. 

 

That's because my mind was always occupied kay Yeji kahit three months na kaming break that time.

 

I guess hindi talaga madaling mag move on. May mga moments talaga na maaala mo sila bigla at malulungkot ka when it happens especially if it's someone na consistent yung presence sa buhay mo.

 

Because Yeji and I, we go way way back.

 

Magkaba-bata kaming dalawa. We were classmates in Elementary as well as nung High School. She also studies in UP Diliman right now but iba ang course niya.

 

Growing up, lagi siyang nandiyan. She is a constant in my life and me in hers.

 

That's why it's hard for me to escape from the girl. She's everywhere.

 

It was in Junior High when she finally showed interest in me romantically.

 

Hindi naman na ako surprised when she confessed to me because I was also going to do the same if she hadn't beat me to it.

 

Even years before kami officially mag sabi ng feelings namin with each other, I think pareho naman na namin alam sa isa't isa na we were more than just friends.

 

She's a big factor sa pag come up ko sa terms with myself na yes, maybe, I also like girls the same way kung paano ako nagkakacrush on some boys.

 

I opened up about it sa parents ko, even kay Kuya, kasi they're the most important people to me and ayoko na may tinatago ako sa kanila.

 

That includes me being biual.

 

It's a big part of myself and it defines me as a person dahil hindi ko na ito mababago so it was essential for me to come out sa kanila regardless kung tatanggapin nila ako or not.

 

Thankfully, they were accepting when I told them about my uality.

 

I was so ready sa mga pag papagalit at pag sigaw nila sa akin. I even readied myself kapag pinalayas nila ako sa bahay.

 

"You're still our daughter no matter who you choose as your partner, anak." My dad said.

 

It was one of the best days of my life. Nagkaiyakan pa kami after that.

 

I told Yeji about it and she was genuinely happy for me. I couldn't say the same thing for her, though.

 

We decided to become official a year after our confession.

 

Hindi namin minadali. And besides, we've always acted like a couple naman kahit dati kaya marami rin ang nang aasar samin.

 

We also decided din naman to study sa UP kaya hindi namin inisip yung possibility na magiging magkaiba ang school namin after graduation.

 

It was a smooth sailing relationship in the start until I started noticing na she shies away from my touches kapag may ibang tao.

 

Ayaw niya na hinahawakan ko yung kamay niya. Ayaw niya rin na dumidikit ako sa kanya nang sobrang lapit.

 

She always wanted na sa bahay namin or bahay nila kami mag hang out kapag wala yung parents namin.

 

I was confused because hindi naman naging problema sa aming dalawa yung pagiging affectionate namin sa kahit may ibang tao nung hindi pa kami.

 

Why is she suddenly overly conscious sa akin?

 

I confronted her about it because it bothered me to no end.

 

She eventually gave in and told me na may mga nakakarating daw na balita sa Dad niya regarding her uality.

 

Kesyo tomboy daw siya. Kesyo may karelasyon daw siya na older woman. Na nagte-take advantage daw sa status nila sa buhay.

 

She was frustrated and scared about it. Alam ko kasi na mahalaga sa kanya ang opinions ng Dad niya and she always wants to impress him.

 

Yeji's Dad is an influential person. He's a Congressman. A homophobe one, if I may add.

 

Yeji is the only child so pinoprotektahan lang daw ng Dad niya yung image ng anak at ayaw nitong may masabing hindi maganda ang mga tao sa kanyang kaisa isang anak na babae.

 

Pinoprotektahan si Yeji or yung pagiging Congressman niya? I think it's the latter.

 

"I don't want him to hate me, Kat."

 

But okay lang sa kanya na masaktan ako?

 

"He's just protecting me."

 

Since when did she need protection from me? I'm her girlfriend, for Pete’s sake.

 

"He wants what's best for me. I don't want to disappoint him."

 

So I'm a disappointment to her?

 

"Please understand for now. I promise gagawan ko ng paraan."

 

And I did understand. Inintindi ko naman 'cause I didn't want us to fall apart. I waited and waited.

 

I loved her at kaya kong mag antay para sa kanya if it means we'll be together eventually nang walang iniisip kung ano ang sasabihin ng ibang tao sa amin.

 

It was in our freshman year sa Diliman when we started fighting more and more. Even over the littlest things.

 

We were off again, on again, for months. And over the same reason. Yung pagtatago at pagiging pretentious siya na she's straight.

 

May time na she invited me sa family dinner nila as her "friend". That's what she told her parents.

 

Nabanggit ng Dad niya na may mga interested daw sa unica hija niya and he even na nagdadalaga na raw ang anak nila.

 

Her dad said na isasama niya si Yeji sa dinner nila ng isa niyang business partner along with the son na apparently, crush siya.

 

She acted excited sa prospect na makikilala niya yung lalake.

 

I was annoyed but I stopped myself from saying something.

 

She squeezed my leg under the table, trying to calm down.

 

Natitiis ko naman minsan.

 

But there are moments kasi na it's getting unhealthy and nagiging toxic na.

 

Gusto ko rin naman kasing ma work out namin yung relationship namin that's why we still get back together din agad kapag nagbebreak kami.

 

And somehow, I'm still holding on sa promise niya na she'll find a way to make us work.

 

Pero as time went by, we were still stuck sa secret relationship namin.

 

Si Giselle lang ang nakaka alam on my end. Sa kanya ako nagkekwento at nagve-vent out ng feelings ko every time Yeji amd I fight adnd break up.

 

It was the start of the second semester in our second year in Diliman when I finally decided I've had enough.

 

It went like this.

 

She told me that she had a business to attend to with her parents sa Zambales. Pinilit daw siya na isama doon sa event that her Dad was hosting.

 

I asked her why they wanted her there but ang sabi niya baka gusto lang siyang ipakilala sa mga business partners and other government officials under her Dad. For connections, mostly.

 

I shrugged it off. We even had a date the night before siya umalis since she'll be away for three days. I arranged a dinner for the both of us.

 

Hindi pa officially start ng classes that time so okay lang na hindi muna siya makapasok for at least three days.

 

It was fine nung una and she'd even update me about what’s happening at the event until I saw a tagged post of her from her Mom's Facebook.

 

It was a stolen picture of Yeji with another guy na naka akbay sa kanya while they're drinking some kind of drink like Margarita.  

 

Caroline Hwang

 

These two love birds have finally met and they're having a blast! Maybe dating a son of your Dad's business partner isn't so bad after all, right Yeji Hwang?

 

My world stopped.

 

It was like a bucket of ice cold water has been dumped on to my head and at the same time, my blood was boiling.

 

It felt like I got slap with the reality na she will never tell her parents about us. That her parents will never accept us, kung umamin man siya sa kanila in the future.

 

I realized that maybe I'm holding on to a tree branch that is so fragile and close to collapsing.

 

I did not cry, though. Not at first.

 

I remained calm kasi alam kong tatawagan agad niya ako once makita niya na her Mom tagged her on facebook along with the guy.

 

She knows I'd see it.

 

And she did call after siguro ng mga 20 minutes after I saw the post.

 

"Kat, it's not what it looks like."

 

So ano pala?

 

"Pinagbigyan ko lang sila Mom and Dad kasi kinukulit nila ako about it matagal na. Dad even said na baka kaya ayaw ko kasi totoo yung rumors about me. I got scared."

 

So she knew about it? Na mami-meet niya yung guy sa event? And she did not bother na banggitin ito sa akin?

 

"Please let me explain."

 

It was too much for me to take. Para akong sasabog. Halo halong emotions yung nararamdaman ko.

 

But mostly, I was hurt. I was devastated. I felt pathetic. I felt like a fool.

 

Yung