I was being a jerk to Winter. I know I was.

 

She must have been wondering kung bakit ako wala sa sarili for the past two days. Wala siyang ka alam alam na it's because of the kiss.

 

The freaking kiss.

 

Hindi ako maka kuha ng perfect timing para sabihin kay Winter. I'm honestly scared. I know she would understand kapag inexplain ko sa kanya. She's that good of a person.

 

I'm just scared with how it will make her feel. I know it's going to hurt her.

 

I promised her na hindi ko hahayaan na may umepal but look at what happened. Hindi lang umepal, nagpunta pa sa house at hinalikan ako.

 

I wanna smack Yeji in the face for what she's done.

 

But at the same time, seeing her like that, like she's wrecked, I felt the tiniest bit of worry. The last time I saw her like that was when someone "spilled" to her Dad that she was gay.

 

Still, I made her leave and told her to never come back. I was so mad that time.

 

Sa sobrang shaken ko, hindi ko na natupad yung promise ko kay Winter na manood kami ng food vlogs that night. And as usual, she said it's okay. Marami pa naman daw pagkakataon.

 

It made me feel even tier. Kasi over the course na nagde-date kami, Winter has been very understanding sa akin especially on the Yeji situation.

 

After that night, I kind of avoided her. Well, hindi naman totally "avoided", but I limited my interactions with her. Hindi rin muna ako nagpapahatid sa kanya sa bahay.

 

I was afraid na baka bigla na lang akong mag break down sa harap niya dahil sa nangyari.

 

It was when I was starting to notice na sobrang bothered niya na that I decided to put an end sa kanyang pag iisip. I sent her a voice note last night before ako matulog.

 

"Hi baby.. I know I've been acting weird lately and I'm really sorry I just-- I don't--"

 

I was trying not to choke up on my words.

 

"Can we-- can we talk tomorrow? I'll tell you everything.."

 

She deserves to know. Kahit ano pang maging outcome, I need to tell her yung nangyari. I don't want to keep on avoiding her. I could see it was making her sad and worry.

 

I fell asleep right after sending the voice note. Hindi ko na nahintay yung reply niya. Nakita ko na lang ito pagka gising ko kanina.

 

Winter: okay baby.. i hope everything is well.

 

I miss her. Naiinis ako kasi sinayang ko yung 2 days. Niyaya niya akong mag dinner nung isang gabi and I flat out said I couldn't kasi may lakad kami ni Kuya. It was a lie. I was avoiding.

 

Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano ko siya haharapin at titignan sa mata knowing na hindi ko pa masabi sa kanya yung nangyari.

 

I replied sa text niya.

 

Me: Morning. Sorry I fell asleep :(

 

Winter: it's oki hehe nasa bahay ka pa? kumain ka na?

 

Argh. Just look at her being sweet despite yung tension na namuo samin netong mga nakaraang araw. She never made me feel bad sa inaakto ko. Do I even deserve her.

 

I was planning to have the talk mamayang gabi. Naiready ko naman na somehow yung sarili ko.

 

Me: Yesss. No morning class for me. Nag text yung SA ni Ma'am wala raw pasok.

 

Me: Haven't eaten yet >.< Maya maya. Wala rin breakfast. You?

 

Thank goodness wala akong pasok for my morning class. Parang pagod yung katawan ko kahit hindi naman. From too much overthinking siguro.

 

My parents usually leave nang maaga, same with Kuya. Kaya ako lang yung natitira sa house kapag hindi maaga yung class ko. I don't have the energy pa to go down para mag luto ng breakfast. I'll probably just have brunch since 2pm pa yung next class.

 

Nag reply si Winter.

 

Winter: di pa rin hehe wait lang baby mag prep lang me

 

Just her calling me baby sa text makes my heart flutter. Pero napapalitan ng guilt kapag naaalala ko yung nangyari with Yeji.

 

I was going to reply and tell her to take her time when the doorbell rang. Deja vu. Kinabahan pa ako kasi inisip ko si Yeji nanaman pero hindi naman na siya siguro babalik.

 

Baka nagpa grab ng food si Winter sa akin. Ayokong mag assume but medyo kinikilig ako sa thought.

 

I fixed myself at nag suot na lang ng jacket 'cause I'm too lazy para mag change into a shirt. I came down and opened the gate.

 

I sighed. Not this again.

 

"What is it this time, Yeji? This is getting out of hand." I said, shaking my head.

 

She looked like a child who ran out of her lollipop sa kanyang itsura.

 

"Kat, please. I promise I'm not gonna try something stupid again. I just want to talk. Properly this time." She pleaded.

 

There's something different sa kanyang aura today compared noong gabi na pumunta siya dito. She somehow looks.. genuine sa intentions niya. Although I couldn't really be sure.

 

Hindi ako nagsalita. I merely nodded, signaling her to continue. I guess madadagdagan nanaman ang kailangan kong i-explain kay Winter.

 

Tumingin siya sa baba, hindi siya makatingin ng derecho sa akin. Suddenly, the overly confident Yeji is nowhere to be found. Ang fragile ng itsura niya. Her intimidating vibe is absent.

 

"Uhm, first off.. I want to apologize for showing here that night," she brushed her hair through her fingers, "And for-- for kissing you. That was really stupid and-- and you didn't deserve that."

 

Nakikinig lang ako sa sinasabi niya, unconsciously nodding. Trying to digest everything she's saying. She continued when I didn't say anything.

 

"I felt desperate. I-- when I noticed that you blocked me and you changed your number, I panicked. Kat, you're the only one who knows me. And-- and the thought of completely losing you, even as my friend, it breaks me." She was starting to get emotional.

 

Even ako, nararamdaman ko yung concern na namumuo sa puso ko. This can't be. I thought all this time wala na talaga akong pakialam sa kanya. But seeing her like this, as someone who knows her for a long time, it worries me.

 

I think this has to do with her family again. And it looks like I'm right.

 

She wiped her eyes, "Si Daddy, I think-- I think he's suspecting, like really suspecting that I'm gay. And he threatened to disown me at palayasin." She sniffed.

 

Inisip ko pa na baka nagpapa awa lang siya but it doesn't look like it. And knowing him, hindi malabong gawin niya nga ito sa anak niya.

 

I cringed. Her dad is the literal definition of evil. I can't believe he even calls himself a father when he treats Yeji like he can control her just because he's his daughter.

 

I finally spoke up, "Is that why your Mom called? Did you really leave your house that night?"

 

She nodded and looked away, "Yeah. I left home for a night to stay at Ate Krystal's. Pero umuwi rin ako kinabukasan when I saw Mom's texts.. I felt bad that I made her worry."

 

Ate Krystal is our Ate figure back when we were still kids. We all went to the same school. I think she knows about Yeji's uality at ang alam ko, nung nag break kami before, sa kanya din nagpunta si Yeji.

 

"I see. I, uhh, I'm sorry that you're going through all that. But, what you did, what you keep on doing sa akin, it's not okay. You ruined me before, and you're doing it again.." I replied, trying to keep my emotions at bay.

 

Gusto kong isaksak sa kokote niya yung ginawa niya sa akin. Sa aming dalawa. And her coming here telling me all this isn't going to make up for it.

 

Although meron talagang part sa akin na gusto siyang tulungan with her situation. Sumasakit ang ulo ko. Ang dami kong iniisip.

 

She flinched, "I know. Hindi ko alam how I'd redeem myself sayo but Kat, please, I know you already like someone else and I promise I'm not gonna do something stupid again." She stayed on her spot.

 

"Just please don't cut me off. Give me another chance. Not to be your girlfriend, but to be your friend again. That's all. Help me get through this.. Hindi ko alam saan ako pupunta. Ate Krystal is probably fed up na sa akin." She begged.

 

I chuckled, "Yeji, I'm not-- I'm not a rehabilitation center. I can't-- I can't make you feel better. I don't know how to. You need to do that by yourself."

 

She shook her head, "No, l know. But you're one of the few people who I can depend on. Please, you may not believe me but I don't care if we don't ever get back together. I just need my friend back. You and Ate Krystal are the only people that I can talk my struggles with."

 

I'm conflicted. If I'm being honest, I'm really considering it. Am I being gaslighted again? I don't think I am. With how Yeji looks right now, she really looks like she could use a friend.

 

Papayag ba si Winter kung sabihin kong gusto kong tulungan yung ex ko? Parang ang unfair naman nun sa kanya.

 

I feel pity for Yeji more than anything. Suddenly, the girl in front of me is the same girl who I met back when we were younger. Yung sobrang takot at insecure sa sarili.

 

It's sad that her parents, especially her dad, made her like this.

 

I didn't get the chance na sagutin yung sinabi niya when I saw Winter's car approaching. . Did she say na pupunta siya today?

 

I'm starting to panic. Ano na lang iisipin niya? Crap.

 

Yeji looked at me apologetically and mouthed the word "Sorry" pero hindi ko na ito masyadong napansin. My mind is full of Winter and how this is going to make her feel.

 

Winter got out of the car. Confusion is written all over her face. I didn't think twice at nilapitan ko siya, "Winter.."

 

"Hey.." she answered, albeit awkwardly. She was only looking at me, not even sparing Yeji a glance.

 

I didn't have to tell my ex to go because she volunteered na na umalis. "I meant what I said, Kat." I heard her say softly before driving away.

 

Tinatawag ko si Winter pero she seems so out of it. I can notice her heavy breathing. I'm getting worried.

 

"Winter.. Winter!"

 

Bigla siyang natauhan at tumingin sa akin. I can't help but notice how pretty she looks right now despite the tension in the air.

 

I asked her if she was okay which was very stupid of me to ask but she answered nonetheless, "Yeah, okay lang." She's obviously not.

 

I invited her to go inside so we could talk. This isn't how I planned our talk would go pero nandito na. Might as well get over it at sabihin ko sa kanya ang lahat lahat.

 

We were about to enter the gate nang tumigil siya bigla, akala ko nagbago yung isip. She got something from her car. Binilhan daw niya ako ng food to eat this morning.

 

Suddenly gusto ko na lang maiyak sa sobrang sweet at thoughtful niya. Binilhan niya ako ng breakfast to surprise me only for her to end up being the one na nasurprise dahil kay Yeji. I sighed.

 

I thanked her and we entered the house.

 

It was really awkward at first at we didn't really know how to start the conversation so I just began by apologizing with what she saw kanina. About Yeji being here.

 

She said I don't really have anything to be sorry about.

 

"Pwede ko bang itanong bakit siya nandito?" she added. I could see that she was getting relaxed.

 

It was almost funny if our situation weren't so depressing because what she would hear would definitely make her feel anything but relaxed.

 

I told her Yeji was here unannounced two nights ago. Her expression changed. She went from looking calmed to cold, "Bakit siya nandito?"

 

I didn't know she could be this intimidating. I hate seeing her upset. Tapos dahil nanaman kay Yeji.

 

I told her what happened that night, not leaving any details. She deserves to know every bit of what went through and what has been said between me and my ex.

 

Nakita niya siguro na sobrang nasstress na ako sa nangyayari so she held my hand. I can't believe siya pa yung kailangan mag comfort sa akin sa ganitong situation.

 

"She kissed me."

 

I finally said it. Like ripping off a band aid.

 

She stopped caressing my hand at tumingin lang siya sa akin, "What?"

 

Kinabahan ako nung inalis niya yung kamay niya sa pagkakahawak sa akin. I already miss the warmness that her hold brings me.

 

Sabi ko sa kanya na the kiss meant nothing and I was caught off guard. I know she believes me. Winter probably trusts me with her life.

 

But I could see yung pain sa kanya nung sabihin ko ito. Nakita ko yung pagkalungkot na bumalot sa mukha niya.

 

She stood up, I panicked even more. Akala ko magwawalk out siya. She started crying. The sight of her tearing up broke me. This is probably too much for her to take.

 

Nilapitan ko siya, "I'm so sorry," I couldn't contain myself from crying as well.

 

She assured me that it wasn't my fault Yeji kissed me without my consent. My eyes widened when she asked kung may naramdaman ako dun sa halik.

 

I was quick to answer, "No! No, Winter, please.. I didn't feel anything more than pity and concern for her.."

 

Ayokong isipin niya na may naramdaman akong anything more than concern sa ex ko. And it's true, there were no sparks, no anything.

 

I began telling her the reason why Yeji came by again kanina. Hindi ko rin naman itinago kay Winter yung concern ko for the girl. Ayokong magtago ng kahit ano sa kanya.

 

I even told her yung reason why I think Yeji has been acting that way. Yung about the parents nito. And yung takot ko na baka may gawing hindi maganda si Yeji sa sarili niya.

 

"Karina.. honestly, parang kahit ano naman sabihin mo sa kanya, hindi siya papayag na mawala sa buhay mo." She looked away. It's true.

 

With the way our conversation went kanina, I think Yeji is hell bent on making me stay even as pure platonic lang, like how we were before hindi pa maging kami. She looked really desperate and in need sa help ng isang kaibigan.

 

 At this point, nakikita ko na Winter is getting drained with emotions.

 

I hate how we turned out like this, but it was inevitable.

 

She said it wasn't my fault if unconsciously, I still harbor care and concern for my childhood friend. Winter just keeps hitting the spot. How does she do it?

 

Hindi ko na natiis, I hugged her. I cried habang nakayakap ako sa kanya. " I think there's still gonna be that part of you that will always care for her." She said while holding me in her arms.

 

I held her tighter, she continued, "Am right, aren't I?"

 

I nodded. I heard her whimper. If this is hard for me, this is probably harder for her.

 

I kept saying sorry to her. She only smiled at me at pinunasan yung luha ko. She's looking at me like it was the last time she'd be able to look at my this way.

 

No, hindi ko hahayaan. Even if we decide to part ways for now, I'll make sure we'll come back stronger. That's what I k