It’s either I was dumb not to notice anything for the past two months or Winter is just really good at hiding what it is that has been bothering her.

 

Siguro busy lang din ako sa sarili kong acads that I was clueless sa kung ano man ang pinagdadaanan niya.

 

Okay naman kasi kaming dalawa.

 

To be honest, we're better than ever. We don’t even fight anymore. We make time for each other kahit busy sa grad school. And most importantly, we communicate well.

 

On top of that, we’re living under the same roof.

 

I couldn’t have asked for more. I couldn't have asked for a better partner.

 

She seems to be really happy with her choice na mag stay dito. Or, well, at least that's what she's been showing me. 

 

Pero bakit ganon? Parang may mali? 

 

I started to notice na minsan, she looks really distracted. Like she’s so out of it. It's very unusual for her to act that way. 

 

Sometimes when I talk to her parang biglang lilipad ang isip niya at mawawala sa focus.

 

I asked her about it pero ang sabi niya ay pagod lang sa acads. And I did believe her kasi totoo naman, grad school has been kicking both our asses. Thankfully, we both always pull through. 

 

Although one time I asked her kung bakit parang hindi siya sumasama sa mga ka course niya for review and other grad school related stuff.

 

Ang sabi niya sa akin she preferred studying alone.

 

Again, I believed her.

 

Winter is that kind of girlfriend na sure ako that everything she says, she says with honesty. Unless it's about ordering from grab food! She's sneaky kahit sinabi ko nang wag laging oorder.

 

I'm confident na wala siyang tinatago sa akin. I thought to myself that maybe I was just overthinking it kaya I just brushed it off my mind. I'm too occupied din naman with my own acads.

 

What really bothered me more was when she started going to their restaurant regularly kahit hindi naman siya kailangan doon. 

 

Tita said so before. Winter should focus on grad school muna before mangialam sa Bell'e Buono. 

 

I thought nung una, it was gonna be just a one-time thing. Like na curious lang siya with how everything works. Kaya it weirded me out na biglang weekly na siya pumupunta.

 

It also annoyed me kasi it's supposed to be our lazy day together dahil busy nga kami pareho sa grad school. Tapos minsan gabing gabi na siya umuwi because of that.

 

Pero minsan, pumapasok sa isip ko kung umiiwas ba siya sa akin kaya ganun? 

 

Not to be that self centered kind of girl but the Winter I know wouldn’t pass the chance na makasama ako given the fact that we’re busy all week long because of school.

 

Weekends lang kami magkasama talaga pero most of the time Sundays lang since we dedicate Saturdays for review and papers.

 

Kaya hindi ko masisi yung sarili ko for thinking kung may nagawa ba akong mali kaya she’s acting this way kasi nga it feels like she's avoiding.

 

It’s a good thing that we’re having a movie and a dinner date tonight after her meet up with Ryujin. Matagal tagal na rin nung huli kaming makalabas.

 

I’ll open it up to her sa dinner. Yung about sa worries ko. Ayoko kasing kimkimin yung fact na it bothers me that she’s unnecessarily going to the resto. 

 

Also, napagusapan din namin weeks before that the purpose of this dinner is so we can talk about what we’ll be doing on Saturday — our second anniversary.

 

Just by thinking about it makes me feel really giddy ang happy. Ang tagal na namin pero hindi pa rin nagdi-dwindle yung love ko for her. At alam kong ganon din siya sa akin. 

 

I bought her a gift na rin. Naghanap ako ng almost the same necklace locket na ibinigay niya sa akin before para pareho na kaming meron. Sort of a couple thing.

 

I also booked a delivery of flowers para sa kanya. The yellow daffodils.

 

Memorable ito for me kasi yun yung binigay ko sa kanya nung time na nagkabati kami after I stood her up.

 

Hindi ko matapos tapos itong paper ko kasi I keep thinking about Winter.

 

God. Two years into our relationship and I still got it bad for her!

 

She got home just a bit before ako matapos sa paper ko. 

 

I greeted her when she entered our home, “Hey. Let me just finish off itong paper then tara na. Kamusta si Ryu?” 

 

Napatingin ako sa kanya because it was taking too long for her to answer. Distracted nanaman siya. Nagaalala na talaga ako.

 

“Winter? You look distracted nanaman.” Binaba ko muna yung laptop ko and I looked at her, giving her my full attention.

 

“Lagi kang nawawala sa wisyo. Is everything okay?”

 

She probably didn’t think I’d notice pero nahalata ko yung somewhat fake smile that she gave me when I asked that. “Yes, babe. Everything’s fine naman. Pagod lang.” 

 

It’s what she always says. “Are you sure?”

 

Tumango siya. She avoided my gaze. "Yup. Nagtetake toll lang yung pagod sa grad school and yung sa resto."

 

Yung resto nanaman. Sabi ko naman kasi sa kanya hindi niya kailangan mag punta don. Although naiinis ako, my worrying feeling for her is much stronger.

 

"Sabi ko naman kasi sayo you should take it easy sa pagpunta sa resto. Even your mom said na hindi mo naman need."

 

She froze. Hindi nanaman siya nakasagot. Parang ang lalim nanaman bigla ng iniisip niya. It's getting really frustrating. 

 

Lumapit ako at iniharap siya sa akin. I want her to look me in the eyes at maging honest sa akin. "Be honest, are you okay? I'm worried about you.." 

 

Akala ko she's finally going to open up pero she just gave me a reassuring smile that I know ay hindi genuine. "I'm okay, babe. Really. Don't worry."

 

Akala ko ba communication is key samin? We got better with it after nung nangyari sa camping trip namin in Tagaytay. Bakit ganito?     

 

Still, I'm choosing to believe kung anong sinasabi niya sa akin. After all, pagod naman talaga siya lately so that really might be it.

 

I just gave her a nod, telling her that she can tell me anything. Para alam niya na whatever it is, I'm willing to listen. 

 

Bumalik yung excitement ko when we got to the resto. The place is nice tapos ang ganda ganda pa ng girlfriend ko. 

 

Na-miss ko yung food hunting trips together back when we were still in college.

 

"I missed this." I said while looking around.

 

She's smiling at me lovingly, "Me too. I missed you, babe. Let's do this more often kahit busy tayo pareho."

 

She wouldn't be too busy kung hindi siya regularly nagpupunta sa BGC and Makati. Eh di sana we'd have more time with each other.

 

I sighed. I need to tell here these thoughts of mine, "Winter.. can I be honest with you?"

 

She frowned. She looks so nervous and tensed all of a sudden. Namutla siya. Why is this happening to her? Hindi naman siya ganito dati.

 

Parang lagi na lang siyang kinakabahan when I'm around her and when I try talking to her about something. 

 

It's kind of hurting me that she's acting this way towards me. I feel like may kasalanan ako. 

 

"Hey, you look pale. It's nothing bad.. Gusto ko lang i-open yung sa pagiging busy mo. And how I've been missing you for the past few weeks. Months, even.." I tried to be as honest as possible. 

 

I guess we're having this talk muna. Siguro mamaya na lang namin pag usapan yung about sa anniversary kapag clear na yung air about this. 

 

She looked away, parang nahiya siya sa akin bigla. Probably feeling bad. 

 

She sighed at hinawakan ang kamay ko, "Baby.. Sorry, I know I've been busy lately.." 

 

I frowned, "That's the thing, babe. Don't get me wrong but I think it's unnecessary na lagi kang nasa resto. Tapos may acads ka pa.."

 

Feeling ko I'm going to sound like a clingy girlfriend pero gusto kong malaman niya yung nararamdaman ko, "I don't know if I'm being selfish but I miss being with you kapag Sundays. It's supposedly our day-off day."

 

Her eyes widened, "No!" Sigaw niya. Parang nagulat din siya with her own voice so she toned it down a little, "No, you're not.. Sorry baby. I'll be better. Uhm, last na yung this weekend. After that enough na muna yung pag punta ko sa Bell'e Buono.."

 

What?

 

She didn't mean this weekend right? 

 

Because that's our anniversary. 

 

Maybe I heard her wrong. Baka next weekend pa yung sinabi niya. Kasi hindi naman niya siguro malilimutan yun.

 

It's not like her to forget a significant day like that. 

 

I looked at her with my cold stare, "This weekend? Like, ngayong weekend? Sa Sunday? Sa isang araw?"

 

Please say no. 

 

Please say no.

 

Please say no. 

 

Creases appeared between her eyebrows, looking really confused with my question. "Yes? Bakit babe? Anong meron?"

 

I suddenly want to leave at iwan siya ditong mag isa. 

 

I smiled nonetheless. Para hindi niya mahalata that my mood shifted completely. "Nothing. Let's go eat."

 

I'm trying really really hard not to shed a tear right now. But even so, binigyan ko pa rin siya ng benefit of the doubt. Maybe she's just acting clueless because she's going to surprise me.

 

Who knows. 

 

Kasi kung hindi, kung hindi niya talaga naalala, then I know it's going to hurt me really badly. 

 

Ganon ba siya ka distracted with whatever it is that she's not telling me about para makalimutan yung anniversary namin? 

 

Naghahalo halo na yung emotions ko bigla. Yung kinakain ko ngayon parang gusto kong isuka lahat. Gusto kong dukutin yung mata ni Winter na patingin tingin sakin.

 

Agh!

 

Nagyaya na akong umuwi after. Nawalan na akong gana to watch a movie at mag coffee shop. I also retreated to bed pagkauwing pagkauwi namin. I didn't even get to shower. 

 

I cried myself to sleep but I made sure hindi niya ako nahalata o narinig. 

 

I really do hope this is just one of her "pakulo" and she's just acting clueless. 

 

Please. Let it be like that. 

 

 

 

 

 

My mood didn't change the next day after that god forsaken dinner. 

 

I was distracted sa classes ko. Nakaka sense na kasi ako na nakalimutan talaga siya ni Winter. And it's frustrating me to no end. 

 

Does she not love me anymore? Hindi naman sigurp ganon. But is she slowly pulling away from me? If so, bakit? 

 

I got home early at hindi na sumama sa review session with my classmates dahil I needed to pick up my gift for Winter from the store na binilhan ko nito.

 

Kahit galit ako, gusto ko pa rin ibigay sa kanya yung regalo. At least may isa sa aming dalawa ang nakaalala ng anniversary namin. 

 

I spent the whole day in the study room. Sabi ko na lang kay Winter I have this big exam coming that I need to focus on reviewing. 

 

She was giving me worried glances kapag lalabas ako ng room to go to the kitchen or sa banyo. Well, now she knows what I've been feeling every time she avoids me and my questions. 

 

And then next morning came.

 

Our anniversary. 

 

She woke up early at nag shower din kaagad. 

 

Is it for our special day or para sa pagpunta niya sa restaurant? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

 

Lumabas muna ako ng room at pumunta sa may living room. I looked outside the window. It's a good day to celebrate it. 

 

Walang ulan. Maganda ang panahon. 

 

I heard the bathroom door open. 

 

This is it. 

 

"Babe alis na ko." Who would have thought that a simple phrase like that would break my heart?

 

Humarap ako sa kanya. I tried not to fall apart, "Take care." 

 

Lumapit siya sa akin, giving me a kiss. I returned it emotionlessly. She pulled away, worry is still obvious sa kanyang mga mata. 

 

"I love you.." She said before opening the main door. 

 

I nodded. I tried to give her a smile. Hearing her say those three words still has an effect on me. Ganon din kaya siya? 

 

"I love you too." I meant it with my whole heart. Kahit gaano ako ka galit sa kanya, my love for her never fades. 

 

I'm left dumbfounded. 

 

I can't believe she forgot about it.

 

I was tempted na ipaalala ito sa kanya but that wouldn't really make sense. Wala nang essence, kumbaga. 

 

I spent the whole day curled up in bed crying hanggang sa makatulog ako. Wala naman din akong ibang gagawin but to be sorry for myself. 

 

I only woke up because of the nonstop sound coming from the doorbell. 

 

The yellow daffodils I ordered for her arrived. Ano pang sense nito? 

 

Kinuha ko yung gift box. I put both the flowers and the gift sa table at tinitigan ko lang sila na parang ewan. 

 

Naubos na yata yung luha ko.

 

It's getting late. Alam kong darating na si Winter maya maya. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya haharapin without breaking down. 

 

I tried to distract myself by watching youtube videos on TV but I just ended up turning it off. Napapatulala na lang ako bigla. 

 

I heard the door open. For sure she'll be mad that I didn't lock it. Lagi niyang pinapaalala na mag lock ako ng pinto kapag ako lang dito sa condo. 

 

But that's the least of my worries right now. 

 

"Babe I'm home! Sabi ko diba ilolock mo yung door—" 

 

Hindi ko siya matignan. Hindi ko kaya. I'm trying to hold myself back from crying when I heard her voice. 

 

"Babe? Karina?" She sounds worried. Alam kong naaalarm na siya.

 

I braved myself to look at her.  

 

"Umiyak ka ba?" She asked. 

 

Just hearing her ask that, na parang talagang wala siyang kaalam alam sa nangyayari — it's pissing me off. 

 

I let out a somber laugh, "You're really clueless about what day it is?" I blurted. Hindi ko na napigilan yung sarili ko. 

 

She was caught off guard with my tone. It took her a moment to realize what I meant. 

 

"Yeah." Natatawang naiiyak ako na hindi ko maintindihan. "It's our second anniversary."

 

She suddenly looked pale. I almost felt bad with how the way she looks right now. "Babe.." She called, but I'm not having it. 

 

"Winter, don't."

 

"Karina.. I'm so sorry. I— Tell me how I can make up for it. I'll do anything. Hindi ko sinasadya." She looks desperate because she probably is. 

 

Even with the pain I'm feeling, ang hirap pa rin para sa akin na makitang nahihirapan din siya. 

 

"You've been acting weird lately. I know akala mo hindi ko napapansin but I can tell something is wrong. Pero hindi mo sinasabi sa akin kahit nagtatanong ako." 

 

I finally acknowledged the big elephant in the room. 

 

I looked at her sadly, "And then you forgot about our anniversary.." I let my tears fall. 

 

"This isn't you, Winter. You haven't been really honest with me and I feel like.." I choked on my own tears, tearing my gaze away from her, "I feel like I don't know you anymore."

Tuloy tuloy lang yung pagsasalita ko. Hindi ko na kayang mag hold back. 

 

And it's true. Lately, parang hindi ko siya kilala. Parang hindi siya yung Winter na nakilala ko. Yung Winter na honest. Na kahit hindi perfect, never akong sasaktan on purpose. 

 

She's sniffling, halatang nagpipigil din siya ng luha. Why and when did we turn into this? 

 

"The worst part of this is.. I feel like it's my fault. Like I've done something wrong for you to act the way you do."

 

She walked towards me at niyakap niya ako. I don't have the energy to push her away. Sobrang drained ko na. "No, wala kang kasalanan. Please, don't ever think that."

 

"Then tell me what's wrong. Tell me bakit ganito?" I looked at her straight in the eyes. I'm still trying to give her a chance to explain. 

 

Alam kong hindi niya basta