Ever since I found out that it has been Winter's dream to get her Master's degree in SNU, hindi na ito nawala sa isip ko.

 

Lagi niyang sinasabi na wishful thinking lang ito and she wouldn't actually get in but I think otherwise.

 

Hindi ko alam kung nagpapa humble lang ba siya or what.

 

Winter tends to be like that sometimes. She doesn't give herself enough credit kahit alam kong magaling siya sa maraming bagay.

 

Sasabihin niya hirap na hirap siya sa exams and sa subjects pero pag napost na yung grades, puro line of one!

 

I thought the reason why she's dismissing the idea of studying sa SNU ay dahil hindi niya na talaga gusto ito. Like it was something na naisip lang niya out of the blue pero nawala din agad yung kanyang urge.

 

But habang tumatagal, I get enlightened kung bakit siya nadidiscourage tumuloy.

 

"If you're given a chance na mag aral don, will you take it?" I asked her curiously while I'm hugging her from the back.

 

She smells really nice kahit nagluluto siya ng tteokbokki. I can't help but burry my face sa kanyang neck.

 

She paused before answering, "Siguro dati, I'd say yes. Ngayon I'm not really fond of the idea."

 

Oh, okay. That's understandable. Baka it was just a spur in the moment idea for her lang at talagang ayaw niya ngayon.

 

"Why?" I asked for confirmation.

 

Sinubuan niya ako ng kimchi rice and I gladly took it.

 

Kinikilig ako. This feels domestic. Biglang pumasok sa isip ko yung moment na mag decide kami to live together.

 

I erased the thought quickly. It's too early for me to day dream about that.

 

Still, ang sarap lang isipin.

 

"There are a lot of factors to consider kasi. Si Mommy. Yung friends. Tapos.. ikaw." She answered shyly. Nakita kong namula siya.

 

I frowned pero hindi ko ito pinahalata sa kanya. Marami nang thoughts ang pumasok sa isip ko but it's not something na ioopen ko sa kanya ngayon.

 

Hindi pa rin naman ako sure kung talagang malaking factor ako.

 

I instead, "You're blushing. But you're so sweet babe. Although I hope you know we will support you kung anong gusto mo."

 

She nodded, "Malayo pa naman yun. Tsaka I'm like 99% sure na sa Diliman ako mag grad school."

 

She's cleaning the mess sa kitchen and I'm helping her. Napatingin ako sa kanya bigla.

 

So there's still that part of her na gustong ituloy 'yon. Kahit pa maliit lang yung urge niya. Maybe that's why hindi pa rin niya inaalis sa bookmarks niya yung site ng Graduate School of Business ng SNU.

 

Every time na mapupunta ang usapan namin about that university, napapansin ko how quickly Winter dismisses the idea.

 

It's like.. ayaw niyang sabihin sa akin na kinoconsider naman niya talaga dahil she knows I'm going to push her into doing it.

 

Ayaw raw niya ng LDR and ganon din naman ako but I don't think that's enough reason para hindi niya ipagpatuloy yung gusto niya.

 

It doesn't sit well with me na ako yung isa sa major reasons why she would let go of something big like studying doon sa prestigious university.

 

And then January came.

 

I can see na parang Winter is starting to finally be open about the idea of her studying in Korea.

 

I think it happened din when her Mom gave her the co-ownership ng Bell'e Buono. I found out na gusto ni Winter mag build ng sarili niyang group of restos in the future.

 

Alam kong kaya niyang ma achieve yun. Especially kung itutuloy niya ang SNU.

 

She also started being open sa idea na mag internship. She said so when we were at ChoKiss kasama sina Yeji and Ryujin.

 

Nabanggit ng batchmate ni Winter that it matters na mag internship kung mag aapply for grad school especially siguro kapag big time yung university, I assumed.

 

I think Winter is aware of that hence pinagiisipan niya na maging intern.

 

I'm not going to lie, it would really be challenging for the both of us kung lalayo siya for two years but it's more important na isipin niya yung future career niya first and foremost.

 

However, she's still deflecting the topic and she keeps on insisting na magsstay siya sa Diliman. At that point I was really starting to get worried.

 

On the way back sa campus after eating with Ryujin and Yeji, Winter asked about early application sa Diliman GS.

 

I explained to her na it's important na makapag pasa din nang maaga so that the university knows na interested ka in applying.

 

"Mag inquire ako after ng sem." She said. She looks like she's having deep thoughts. Something na napansin ko kapag tumatango tango lang siya.

 

I'm not really sure pero I think I have an idea kung anong iniisip niya.

 

So I tried to probe nang makapag park na kami, "Baby.. Magpasa ka rin sa SNU ng application if you like. Wala naman mawawala."

 

And it's true. Para lang din alam niya yung magiging result.

 

Kung makapasa siya, then mas madadagdagan pa yung urge niya na ituloy. If hindi siya makapasa, then she'll have a clear closure.

 

At least wala siyang panghihinayangan.

 

Ayoko siyang manghinayang sa chance.

 

She paused. Alam kong pinag iisipan niya rin ng mabuti yung sinabi ko. Unlike before, she was not quick to dismiss the idea.

 

That solidified my theory na talagang nagugustuhan na niya. So I waited sa kanyang isasagot.

 

She spoke up after a while, "Hindi na, babe. Sayang lang effort. Dito na lang sa Diliman talaga. Tsaka mas may chance dito given na galing ako sa mismong college of business."

 

I'm looking at her, trying to gauge if she's convincing me or she's convincing herself sa kanyang sinabi.

 

What's really stopping her? It's just an application.

 

Dahil ba sa akin? Ako ba talaga yung pinaka dahilan bakit hindi niya ipupursue? Kung wala ako, will she study sa kanyang dream university?

 

I just let go of the topic again for now.

 

Winter is confusing me.

 

 

 

 

 

It was a Tuesday.

 

I remember it significantly kasi nag away kami ni Winter that time because she couldn't come sa amin ng friends ko sa Fair at hindi nanaman siya makatanggi sa org niya.

 

It wouldn't normally piss me off pero I was in such a bad mood that time dahil sa exam ko.

 

I kind of snapped at her. Nakita kong naiinis na rin siya pero hindi na lang siya nagsalita. Umalis na lang ako and she was left sa sidewalk.

 

I felt really bad after.

 

"Where's Winter?" Giselle asked when she saw me walking alone papalapit sa kanila sa grounds.

 

I pursed my lips, "May practice."

 

Tumawa si Jaehyun, "Kaya pala you look sulky."

 

Yuna isn't saying anything. I think hindi sila okay ni Lia although hindi pa siya nagkekwento sa amin ni Giselle.

 

"She could've just said no. Okay naman na yung performance." I said frustratingly.

 

Lumapit si Giselle sa akin, hooking her arm on mine, "Give her a break. It's a big crowd she's gonna be performing so baka gusto lang niyang ma perfect."

 

My best friend has a point. Mas lalo akong na feel bad for walking out on my girlfriend. I was unreasonable sa aking pagka inis kanina.

 

Gusto ko kasi talaga siyang makasama and I was really looking forward to it. Then mainit pa ang ulo ko because of my exam na may timer per question.

 

Who the hell does that?

 

I didn't really enjoy the night. Bukod sa wala si Winter, I'm worried sa naging petty argument namin.

 

So I decided to leave thr Fair na lang at nagpaalam na kina Giselle.

 

"Go get your girl!" Sigaw ni Haechan.

 

Hinatid ako ni Jaehyun dun sa building where Jammers always hold their rehearsals. I thanked him at nakita ko kaagad yung Jimny ni Winter sa parking.

 

Nag stay ako doon for a while. Hindi ko kasi alam kung anong oras matatapos yung practice but I don't mind waiting.

 

Gusto ko lang mag sorry sa kanya for acting the way I did kanina.

 

May dala dala rin akong heart chocolate na naka stick. Binentahan ako ng bata kanina sa Fair.

 

I finally saw her walking papalapit sa kanyang car. Hindi pa niya ako napapansin. She's looking down at her phone.

 

"Hey." She got startled sa voice ko. I wanted to laugh sa pagkagulat niya.

 

She asked kung bakit ako nandito and not with my friends. She's being cautious sa pakikipag usap sa akin dahil nga sa naging "fight" namin earlier.

 

I gave her the chocolate.

 

"Para san to?" She asked. I can see a smile forming sa kanyang mga labi.

 

I hugged her nang mahigpit, saying sorry sa nangyari kanina. She immediately buried her face in my neck, her lips are almost kissing the skin there.

 

I offered na samahan siyang mag review for her exam in Finance. Wala naman akong need aralin for tomorrow kaya gusto kong makasama siya. Just to make it up to her na rin.

 

Extra clingy ako tonight and hinahalikan ko siya every chance I get. I like kissing her.

 

Almost 11pm na kami nakarating sa kanila.

 

Hindi kaagad siya nakapag review when we entered her room because she insisted na mag "make up momol" daw kami. She's so silly but I love her all the same.

 

Pinagbigyan ko naman siya. Gusto ko rin kasi.

 

Mga 2am na kami natapos sa pag aaral. I helped her sa mga topics na hindi niya masyadong gets and mukhang naintindihan naman niya.

 

She told me na dito na lang matulog sa kanila dahil masyado ng late.

 

Pumayag naman ako and I texted Dad para magsabi.

 

Humiram din muna ako ng laptop kay Winter kasi may need akong icheck sa gdocs na nakalimutan ko kanina prior going here sa kanila

 

She's still showering.

 

I was about to close the laptop when I saw a file sa desktop folder ninya.

 

SNUApplicationForm_WinterKim.docx

 

Nagulat ako.

 

I thought ayaw niyang mag send ng application?

 

Huh. Looks like she's really considering pero hindi lang niya talaga sinasabi sa akin.

 

I sent a copy sa aking email.

 

Just in case.

 

Nakahiga na kami. Winter started telling me about Minju applying dun sa university. "Baby, nabanggit pala ni Minju sa sakin na magaapply siya for grad school sa SNU.."

 

There's something in her tone when she said that. There's... longingness.

 

I hummed, "Yeah? What do you feel about that?"

 

"What do you mean?" Humarap siya sakin. She sounds defensive. Na parang I'm accusing her na may dapat siyang ma-feel just because her friend is applying and she's not.

 

"I mean.. that's your dream school, right?"

 

She turned her back sa akin, letting me spoon her again, "Dati lang. Nag start na pala akong mag gawa ng online application for UPD babe.. Punta ako sa GS next week after ng Fair to inquire." She changed the topic.

 

She's deflecting again.

 

I thought nakatulog na siya when she mumbled something about Minju telling her na I'd want what's best para sa kanya.

 

"She's right.." I whispered.

 

After that, inaantay ko ang girlfriend ko na mag sabi about the application form that she filled out for SNU.

 

Day.. weeks.. and months went by, pero hindi ito nabanggit ito ni Winter sa akin.

 

I know for sure she's not going to send it. She would've told me kung magsesend siya.

 

I don't know if it's just me being my very goal-oriented self but I started getting iffy about the thought na she's actually going to give it up.

 

And so a month before matapos ang sem, I made the decision to send her application.

 

At that moment, tingin ko tama ang ginawa ko. She deserves to know she has a chance na makapasok sa SNU.

 

I can't just let her give up her dream. I can't stand the thought of my girlfriend letting go of something like that because of me.

 

I know nabanggit niya before na hindi lang dahil sa akin pero alam ko naman na malaking part ako sa magiging decision niya.

 

And it makes me feel bad more than anything. Ang bigat sa loob.

 

It's still going to be her choice if she's going to push through pero parang hindi ko kayang ma-take na hindi manlang niya malalaman na may chance siya.

 

It's probably not right for me to send it without her consent first but I know she won't let me kapag sinabi ko sa kanya.

 

There's something inside me na nagsasabi na she'll be happy kapag nalaman niyang they