I don't know what is happening with me all of a sudden.

 

I don't know bakit biglang drawn na drawn ako kay Winter.

 

Ever since our falling out happened, I haven't stopped thinking about her. I get frustrated at times dahil sa hindi niya pagrereply sa akin.

 

Hell, lagi ko siyang iniistalk sa social media accounts niya it's embarrassing.

 

She's really active sa postings niya.

 

Hindi nga lang siya active sa pagrereply at pakikipag interact sakin. She doesn't even watch my Instagram stories.

 

Before kasi, nangunguna siya sa pagrereply kapag nagsstory ako ng food.

 

I miss her presence sa life ko.

 

It has been a month. Twenty-nine days, to be exact.

 

Are we really done? Is our blooming friendship really over?

 

Baka nga tama si Giselle when she said I deserved it after what I did.

 

Sa kanya kasi ako nagpupunta kapag hindi ko na ma-take yung silence ni Winter. The silent treatment is so deafening.

 

"Was it worth it? Getting all friends again with your ex and hanging out with her sa day na dapat magkikita kayo ni Winter?"

 

I told her no, it was not worth it.

 

I don't know what I was thinking.

 

Bakit ko nga ba naisip na i-befriend siya just because nag request siya sa akin na baka pwedeng ma retain namin ang aming friendship?

 

That screams red flag.

 

I was carried away lang din siguro because it was the first time na makita ko ulit siya after 5 months tapos she cried pa.

 

Yikes.

 

Sana naisip ko na just because we grew up with each other's side, doesn't mean mabubura lahat ng pain that she caused me.

 

My God, ganon ba talaga ako ka weak when it comes to her?

 

I know I'm better than this.

 

Narealize ko na all we can be ay maging acquaintances.

 

I can't and I don't want to hang out and be close with her anymore. It's just not going to work.

 

Exes cannot be friends. Well, technically, they can. But not on the extent siguro na magreremenisce kayo ng old memories niyo at maghahang out alone sa condo katulad ng ginawa ko with Yeji.

 

Ugh, that was so stupid.

 

I hate na narealize ko lang ito nung may nasaktan na dahil sa actions ko.

 

God. I kind of beat myself up kapag naaalala kong ginawa ko yun.

 

What do they call it now? "Marupok?" Jesus.

 

It had only been a week since magdecide kami na maging friends ulit at may hindi magandang nangyari na kaagad.

 

I hurt someone.

 

I hurt someone kind and precious.

 

And I'm on the verge of losing her.

 

So no, it was not worth it.

 

That alone is a sign na I can't really continue engaging with my ex if I really want to move forward with my life and remove all the toxicity from it.

 

I'm officially convinced na I should consult with Giselle first when it comes to matters involving Yeji.

 

My bestfriend knows what's best for me at siya yung nasa tabi ko when I was so devastated about the breakup.

 

I promised myself I'll make everything better.

 

Babawi ako. Not just to Winter but to people that I neglected because of my ex partner.

 

I've always thought that meeting someone in the online world ay isang mababaw lang na bagay. Like people you meet behind your phone and computer screen wouldn't really affect your life.

 

Mali pala ako.

 

There's something about Winter na hindi ko kayang pakawalan.

 

It's like kapag nawala siya sa buhay ko, something inside me will crumble. Parang ganon. I can't really explain it.

 

I just know na it will be such a big loss sa akin kapag hindi na kami naging okay ni Winter.

 

I want her to be constant in my life.

 

I think mali yung approach ko sa kanya kaya hindi siya nagrereply. Siguro hindi effective sa kanya yung pagtetext ko ng morning and goodnight greetings.

 

Hindi rin effective yung pagpapapansin ko sa Instagram stories niya 'cause she doesn't even bother viewing them.

 

Lord. Nag story pa nga ako ng quote one time about giving people another chance just so she'd see it. I kept checking yung views ng story ko but no, wala talagang @qweenterkim na nagviview.

 

I've been so frustrated that I didn't even realize na hindi pa ako nagsosorry sa kanya properly. I'm so dumb.

 

Why am I like this?

 

The only apology, if you could even call it that, was that day after I stood her up.

 

"Sorryyy."

 

What the hell was that even?

 

Kinwento ko ito kay Giselle and she almost wanted to smack me in the face.

 

I'm now browsing on her Instagram when I saw na nagkaroon ng circle yung profile picture niya, indicating that she has a new story.

 

I haven't clicked on something so fast in my life.

 

My goodness, I viewed it yata 10 seconds after she posted it. Desperada lang? Sana hindi niya mapansin.

 

Oh.

 

It's a picture of a cup of iced coffee and a slice of matcha cheesecake.

 

And there's a girl in front of her holding a camera.

 

She looks really pretty.

 

I let out a sound of frustration.

 

Naiinis ako.

 

Ako dapat yun eh!

 

I sighed. Why am I feeling like this?

 

I replied to her story even though alam ko na it will most likely be ignored.

 

Hindi nga niya siniseen manlang ang mga messages ko.

 

@yukatarina: The matcha cheesecake looks yummy. Saan pala yan?

 

Jeez. I know it's in BGC. I've been there before.

 

Sana magreply siya.

 

OMG! Nag seen siya sa message ko.

 

Please type something. Please type something.

 

I waited a bit more when I realized na she probably accidentally just clicked my message and did not intend to view it.

 

@yukatarina: Seen... T_T

 

I know it's probably cringy. And baka nga she's getting annoyed na sa akin with my replies so I decided to leave her alone muna.

 

Maybe I can send a message again tonight. It'll be my last hope.

 

If she doesn't reply then I'll stop na siguro.

 

Ayoko naman dumating pa sa point na she'll feel the need to block me.

 

That would be really sad kapag nangya