*triple update!

You'll Hide and I'll Seek
(triple update, 63, 64 & 65)

My heart is pounding furiously as the seconds saunter by. There are so many words flooding my mind that I have no idea what to say to Daehyun when I see him later. Do I tell him I love him straight? Do I ask him why he didn't tell me earlier? Or maybe I should simply start with a hello.

Wind threads through my hair like gentle fingers, photographs ensconced within my palm. Behind every single picture, Daehyun has a message written for me. It's natural inclination for me to feel utterly embarrassed by these photographs of ugly me, but I can't tear my eyes off them.

You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. My fingers gingerly brush over the the crisp, detailed photographs of our little trip. I can't see any of what he sees. He says I'm like the morning dew and willow trees, that I'm a blooming lily in a field of green, but I can't see a single shred of what Daehyun sees. How different are our eyes that I can only see ugly while Daehyun beautifully strings together dozens of words just to depict someone like me?

The park is largely empty with it being way past ten o'clock, some passers-by so far away I can barely make out their faces. I sniffle and burrow myself into Daehyun's jacket, its scent now solely composed of my fabric softener. I stack back the photographs and clip the one of Daehyun and me right at the top, placing it back into the box.

I pick up the brown letter and run my fingernail over the glued flap. Wanting to tear it open, the sound of careful footsteps and rubber against asphalt incites my attention.

I immediately perk up, frantically searching around in the billows of darkness unlit between the foilage and dim lampposts. It's then that I notice the boy obscured behind the branches of a tree, light falling just barely upon his slouched silhouette.

"...Daehyun?" I breathe, my throat tightening as my words collapse into nothing but brittle dust. There's so many things I want to say to him but I.... I don't know what to start with.

I step closer as the sharp lines and angles dissolve into a boy I've come to known two years too late. My heartbeat trembles so deafeningly as emotions overwhelm me—guilt, sorrow, regret, and most of all, this dizzying, absolutely heartwrenching love. Daehyun takes a step back and his unmistakable, raspy voice sounds out. 

"Youngjae, please go home," he croaks, falling back several steps when I inch just a bit closer. "It's late."

I thought he agreed to come see me. Why is he backing away and asking me to leave? I confusedly step towards him and bleat, "But..."

"Go home, Youngjae," he wheezes. Abruptly, he swivels on his feet and briskly paces away in the opposite direction. I widen my eyes and instinctively chase after him, footsteps hastening to match his speed.

"Daehyun!"

Leaves tautly crunch underneath our shoes and Daehyun breaks out into a sprint. I hastily stretch my hand out, just barely grasping onto his wrist and nearly tumbling. Daehyun instantly stops, turning around with such forlorn eyes my insides scrunch up with hurt.

"Why... why are you running away?" I blurt, gazing up at him in bewilderment with my hand still clasping on to his sleeve. He meets my eyes for a fleeting moment before his murky pupils dart away. He gently tries to pull back his hand and I clutch on stubbornly.

"Why did you come if you were going to leave?" My soft voice wilts into the nightfall, blue black crumbled over the sky. A thin gust whisks between us and Daehyun lowers his head.

"I didn't want to make you wait." His nearly inaudible reply cracks the silence and I stare up at him, his greyish, downcast irises drawing out wet warmth from my eyes. He didn't want to make me wait? I've barely learnt what a few minutes of waiting mean while he's had to mutely toil through the hours, days, months, years for me.

"You've waited for me for three years and you won't even let me wait a few minutes?" My shaky words break off at the end, tears fogging up my vision. I've made him suffer so much. He must have felt so alone, loving a boy while his friends talked about girls, while I... I never even spared him a glance for these few years. How helpless did he feel, when I had my back him all this while?

Daehyun parts his lips as he watches me through half-lidded eyes, my tears b on my lashes. It seems like an eternity before he finally moves, but this time, not away from me. He lifts a hand and the uncertainty encased in his ministrations do nothing but stifle my breathing even more, hurt bruising into my ribcage.

He thumbs my cheek with an unthinkable amount of tenderness, despondently sweeping away the furious wet streaks dripping over the edge of my chin. "Don't cry," he croaks quietly, dashing the persistent tears with that same patience he's always had during the times even I got sick of myself. "Please don't cry."

"That boy was you, wasn't it?" I churn out, gaze running over the contours of his jaw and the distant shadow of a boy who used to be smaller than me. "In freshman year. You went the wrong way and I stopped you."

Daehyun bats his lashes and we capsize in another excruciatingly revealing wordlessness, every inch of those three years I walked without a clue thrashing blue into my heart. Just... just how much have I hurt him?

“I remember you, Daehyun,” I wheeze feebly when it’s evident he won’t utter a word, his hesitant eyes flickering back to meet mine. Why did he wait so long just to speak to me again? Why didn't he show up the days after when I waited for him?

When he didn't turn up even on the second day, I believed what Jaebum said—that maybe that boy didn't want to make friends with me—and so, I gave up. Every now and then, I would remember him offhandedly and wonder if we would ever meet again because I never saw him around, in school or on the train. It hurt a lot to think someone would find me so annoying from just a few minutes of us chatting that they didn't want to befriend me after, but I perpetually hoped that boy would make friends with others and not be lonely anymore.

“I... always thought you didn't like me," I falter. The world seems to fall apart around us with my one withered whisper. Daehyun gazes at me, that same tongue-tied look from hours ago lingering in his countenance. He tries to find his words and ultimately releases a thin exhale, gingerly pulling back his hands.

"Did you read the letter?" He asks faintly. I flutter my lashes and gingerly shake my head, breathing, "I haven't..."

When he shifts, I almost assume he’s going to take off again when his shoulders fall, a stark resignation scrawled into his eyes. His adam’s apple wavers and his stare averts to the asphalt, coldness strained in the relentless breeze.

“Can we sit down and talk?” Daehyun croaks. His voice is so thin that it seems as if he's frightened of me hearing his words.

“And… can you listen to me all the way?” 

The words are so familiar—he'd said them that night I slept over at his house for the project. I never understood what he saw in me to be so afraid of losing me.

Under the delicate moonlight, we settle on the grass with Daehyun's gift by my side, my heart trapped at the rim of my throat as a stomach-churning silence stifles us. I pull my legs up to my chest and Daehyun kneels in front of me, crestfallen eyes still flickering here and there while refusing to meet mine. A gust twirls by and it almost feels like that cold day in freshman year where I'd stood with Jaebum by the train's platform, eagerly waiting for a boy half a head shorter to appear.

“...I didn't think you'd remember me," Daehyun breathes quietly, staring at the floor as though he's done something wrong and he's being reprimanded. "I... I really wanted to meet you the day after. I was there at Woonmyung station but when I saw you with Jaebum, I... got scared.”

“I was afraid you wouldn't like me once you knew how different I was from Jaebum, so I didn't dare go up to you." He lowers his head even more, afraid to meet my eyes. "I'm really sorry. I saw you waited for me but… I was scared. I didn’t want you to hate me when I liked you so much.”

That was why he didn't turn up? I sniffle softly, smearing the remnants of tears still dripping off my lashes. I've constantly thought it was the other way round.

"I was so stupid," Daehyun wheezes, momentarily glancing up at me with so much remorse entrenched into his mien. "You were the first person to talk to me and I just left you there waiting, all because I was afraid. When you didn't turn up after the second day, I knew I lost my chance." 

A lengthy pause resonates dolefully between us, the chilly wind settling down within the gaps of our fingers. Daehyun continues staring at the ground, dismal blue punctured into his expression.

"I... I always regret not being brave enough to go up to you. Every time I was on the train or in school, I'd think about you and look around to see if you were nearby. I wanted to apologise but when you finally looked at me... you didn't recognise me. I felt like it was better that way since if you ever remembered me, you'd hate me for what I did."

"I guess I thought about you too much." Daehyun churns out a weak, almost humiliated smile, wrinkled fingers clasping at the material of his jeans. "Whenever I saw you around, I just couldn't stop watching you. Jaebum really liked to talk about you, so every time he did, I'd sit and listen."

"You were always so kind. Always trying to make others happy. He'd complain about how you never had time for yourself because you always wanted to help others," Daehyun says, irises clouding with a dazed mist.

There's so much fondness in Daehyun's tone. I curl up, a hefty weight sitting deep in my stomach. Every time Daehyun talked to me about the boy he loved, his voice would, without fail, drip with the most sincere affection. I constantly thought about how great that person must be for him to be loved so much—and of all people w