Afraid (ii)
(double update, 46 & 47)

Briskly pacing down the road, I finally make it to my block. From afar, I make out a faint figure standing in the lift lobby. Even from here, I can recognise Daehyun’s slouched form, him simply staring at the ground and rubbing at his nose.

“Daehyun!” I skip over to him as he lifts his head. The heartwarming smile that blooms over his cheeks has my heart thumping just a bit harder. He’s still wearing his school uniform with his bag slung over one shoulder; he didn’t go home first and waited for me outside…

“I’m sorry, you must have waited really long.” I try to grab the plastic bag from him but he nimbly dodges, still smiling down at me.

“It’s okay. I didn’t,” Daehyun assures, fixating his eyes on me for a long while without a hint of a word on his lips.

He’s zoning out again. I simmer into a soft chuckle and sidestep him, pressing the elevator button. I try once more to swipe the food but Daehyun swings around me, chuckling into his fist. Yongguk’s right; Daehyun is really fast and nimble.

I’m glad. I thought I wouldn’t get to see Daehyun today.

“Sorry. I hope I didn’t disturb you,” Daehyun rasps in a low voice, half-lidded eyes trained on me.

“You didn’t.” I gently grasp his wrist and lead him into the lift, observing the dashing grin shimmering across his face.

I can’t imagine the world missing a smile like this. I’m really glad Daehyun’s happier.

“Thanks for getting dinner. How much is it?” I question. The lift arrives at my floor and Daehyun sheepishly shrugs.

“I forgot.”

“As if,” I snort, nudging him lightly. “I’m going to Coffee Cojjee tomorrow to find out.”

Unlocking the door, I slip off my shoes and nudge open the door, holding it open for Daehyun. Just as he steps inside, I swivel my gaze to find the mess I’d made from this morning still strewn over the floor. I squeak and hastily cover Daehyun’s eyes, feeling his lashes graze my palm.

Oh god, this is so embarrassing… I left my dirty laundry out here! This morning, I needed to stop by the bakery and get some extra snacks for Himchan, and it was just my luck that I couldn’t find my wallet. I ended up tearing up the house only to find it right smack at the bottom of my cluttered backpack.

“Youngjae?” Daehyun starts in confusion.

I cringe, eyeing my underwear lying in one corner. Even if we’re both guys, I can’t let Daehyun see that!

“Daehyun, can- can you cover your eyes for a while? Just for a few minutes,” I mumble bashfully.

A quiet chuckle emanates from Daehyun’s lips and he hums, placing his hand over mine. I slip out my hands, wasting a split second just to think about how his hand really is bigger than mine by a lot, and rush to pick up my clothes. Dumping them into the laundry basket and picking up the bags I tossed out, I hastily tidy up the place in just a minute, rushing back up to Daehyun.

He’s still standing by the door obediently with his hand over his eyes. I smother back a laugh, glancing at his hawk nose and thick lips for a short moment, before guiding his palm away.

“You can look now. Sorry,” I sheepishly chorus. Daehyun laughs once more and I prod him in the shoulder. “Stop laughing. You chose a bad time to come.”

“Are you sure you’re not always this messy?” Daehyun teases.

“I’m not! I was in a rush this morning,” I protest, taking the bag from Daehyun and ambling to the dining table. “And what about you? Your stuff was all over the floor when I last went to your place.”

He paces up to me with a dreamy simper, eyes glazed as always. He hums mischievously, “I was sick that day.”

“And I was in a rush this morning,” I counter cheekily. I pour some apple tea for us both and Daehyun chuckles to himself, smiling up at me.

The ticklish heat dabs onto my cheeks and I muse, “What’s so funny?”

“I was sick,” Daehyun says, slurping at his cup, “and you came over to take care of me.”

I flit my lashes, surprised at the sudden change in topic. Laughing it off, I settle down beside Daehyun.

“Yoochun-hyung thought I was a girl that day. It was so awkward… I don’t know how he made that mistake,” I heave, taking out the containers and edging one over to Daehyun. I peer down at the last box at the bottom and pry it out curiously.

Daehyun presses his lips together and mumbles something incoherent. “It’s because you’re pretty.”

“Come again?” I hum, scrutinising the box at the bottom. Daehyun bought chocolates.

“Nothing,” Daehyun coughs, his lips. He extends a finger and taps the box in my hand. “Let’s share this after we eat.”

“It’s fine; you eat it.” I get up and tuck the chocolate box into the fridge, settling back down.

A lovely scent floods the air as I pop open the container. Lately, I haven’t been eating much since I’ve been skipping meals. It’s become a bit of a habit and it’s progressively getting easier to ignore the hunger pangs.

But when I’m with Daehyun, I always find it hard to reject having a meal with him. I know he doesn’t like it whenever I skip meals so even if I try to get him to eat while I just sit and accompany him, he always insists we share food.

In any case, I don’t want him to be upset.

“Do you not like it?” Daehyun’s concerned voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

I lift my gaze and hurriedly shake my head. “It looks really good. Thanks for buying dinner, Daehyun. I’ll pay you back later.”

I scoop up some rice and ask through munches, “How was today?”

“...It was okay,” Daehyun remarks absent-mindedly, a funny smile donning his lips.

“A lot of homework. Zitao got his belt loop stuck in the door knob and his buckle popped off when he was struggling.”

“Oh my god. Did his pants drop?”

“Yeah. In front of the girls,” Daehyun snickers.

“Man, that . Poor guy,” I chortle.

I inwardly coo at the red sauce splashed all over Daehyun’s lips, some pepper stuck to his chin. It’s really cute how messily he eats. He gobbles down his food like he’s afraid someone will pop out of nowhere and steal it from him. He’s just like a little kid, isn’t he?

Thinking about this makes me remember just a few days ago, where Daehyun thumbed my lips… I flush at the memory, lowering my head and poking at my egg.

“How about you? How was your day?” Daehyun asks, leaning over curiously.

“Same old,” I provide. “Oh, my Math teacher was really pissed off today when he came into class. He yelled at one of my classmates because she didn’t write the date on her test paper.”

“That’s harsh,” Daehyun winces. I nod along, wanting to reach over and wipe Daehyun’s lips but deciding against it.

“What about your publishing team? Have you guys thought of something?”

“Aaron and I sort of came up with an idea today,” I say through mouthfuls. “But it’s still in the thinking stage.”

“That’s good. If you need my help, just ask,” Daehyun offers readily, slurping up the sauce.

I can’t help but bite back a smile. “Thanks, Daehyun.”

Is it weird to say that Daehyun always makes me feel safe? With him, it feels like I’m in good hands.

A comfortable silence rests upon our shoulders as I discreetly glance up every once in a while, only to meet Daehyun’s eyes. I’ve noticed his irises somehow seem more blank than other people’s but it’s not in a dull way. It just makes him look rather lost, in an endearing manner.

It’s cute.

“You’ve become thinner.”

I pause in my eating. The tinge of happiness trickling through me promptly vanishes when I meet Daehyun’s worried face, disappointment clear for all to see.

“Have you been skipping meals?” Daehyun asks quietly.

...I have been skipping meals but Daehyun doesn’t need to know that. Over the past week and this included, I’ve been cutting down on my food intake and eating just a piece of bread in the morning and at night. But it’s nothing to worry about; I’ll stop once I get enough money to buy Daehyun a good birthday present.

“I haven’t,” I quickly rebound with a short laugh. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better, right? I’ve been eating so much these few days.”

“Hey, have you done the chemistry test? It was really hard, huh?” I bring up.

Seeing Daehyun keep mum as he simply gazes at me, I bite my lip and nudge his hand on the table.

“Your food’s going to get cold,” I say. “I’m eating regularly, Daehyun. Don’t worry about me.”

“You promise you’re eating?” Daehyun questions, voice hoarse.

“Yeah,” I breathe, gnawing back the guilt rising in me. I’ll eat properly soon, I can promise him that.

Daehyun looks me in the eyes for a long while before releasing an almost inaudible, weary breath, turning back to his food. The guilt comes back up and I chide myself for ruining Daehyun’s mood once again. Trust me to screw up a happy moment.

“Let’s…” I lift my head upon hearing Daehyun speak. He his lips before finishing, “Let’s eat lunch together tomorrow. Are you free?”

“Oh, um, yes,” I reply promptly. “Yeah, let’s meet tomorrow.”

Daehyun melts into a soft smile and nods contentedly, going back to shovelling more rice into his mouth.

“I didn’t see you today,” Daehyun mentions through chomps, words coming out nearly incoherent. “I dropped by- passed by your class after lunch but I didn’t see you there, so I thought you went home.”

“Ah, I was with Yongguk-hyung at the music room,” I explain. “We were working on his album cover together for the whole afternoon.”

“...Oh.”

“It’s finally done now,” I chime, the relief in my stomach hard to deny as I steadily fill my tummy with warm rice. I was feeling a bit dizzy on the train ride back, to be honest.

“Oh,” Daehyun says once more. He breathes with a pleased smile, “That’s good.”

“Yongguk-hyung told me a lot about you while we were working together,” I divulge teasingly, wiping my lips with a tissue.

Daehyun stops in his ministrations and glances up at me with large eyes. I knew he’d react this way.

“What did he tell you?” Daehyun slowly asks, a hint of a worried frown dawning.

“Stuff,” I vaguely answer, flashing him a teasing smile. “Seems like you’ve changed quite a lot from last time, hm? Mr. Bowl Cut.”

Daehyun flushes and presses his lips together in embarrassment as I cackle unapologetically.

“Oh god, I seriously wonder how you looked like. Were you a walking mushroom?”

The tears pool at my lashes as I clutch my stomach at the thought. Imagine him just toddling around the school like he’s wearing a mushroom cap on his head…

Daehyun suddenly leans over, pressing his fingers gently to my lips and muffling my laugh.

“Hey!” I pry off his fingers as he chuckles warmly, sending me a remorseless smile.

“You asked for it.”

His fingers linger on the edge of my lips and I snort, pushing his hand away. Leaning back, I take a good look at his features. I bet he would have looked handsome even if his hairstyle was a disaster.

“You’re sweeping girls off their feet now,” I remark cheekily. “Were you as popular during your mushroom hat days?”

Daehyun pushes his chair back and I squeak, hurriedly ducking my head. I peek out through my fingers to find Daehyun laughing into his palm, his eyes crinkled at the sides.

It’s instinctive to laugh stupidly along with him. Being with Daehyun has always felt so… nice. Though I may not have known him back in freshman and sophomore year, I’m still happy I got to make friends with him now. It’s strange to even think of my high school days without Daehyun.

Finishing up our meals, I clear up the containers and toss them into the bin. As expected, Daehyun grabs a cloth and wipes the table despite my protests.

Seeing him so engrossed in his work, I sneakily grab a light plastic bowl and creep up behind him. Once he spins around, I tiptoe and plop it onto his head, earning a flabbergasted expression from him.

Oh god. He looks ridiculous.

I erupt in another fit of laughter as Daehyun confusedly pats the bowl on his head, it slipping down to cover his eyes. He niftily grabs it off and seeing the look in his eyes, I speedily bolt out of the room. Footsteps thump behind me as I squeal, scurrying away.

“Really...”

I sprint over to the sofa and Daehyun swiftly chases after me. I hastily duck around him and yelp when he nearly grabs my shirt.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry, Daehyun! I’m sorry!”

Darting to a corner of my room, Daehyun follows behind with complete ease as I bite back a squeak. I hurriedly crawl over my bed to escape him but Daehyun abruptly wraps his arms around my waist and lugs me back.

I nearly scream as we stumble onto my bed, ending up as a mess of laughter. I try to wrestle out of Daehyun’s grasp but he adamantly locks his arms around my hips.

“You’re just like a child,” Daehyun guffaws as I cease struggling against him, melting into more silly giggles.

“You’re the one who chased after me,” I chortle, trying to get off him. “You win, okay? Let go of me.”

Daehyun says nothing, keeping his hands in place on my stomach as I lay against him.

“Daehyun, I’m heavy,” I point out, still breathless from our silly little chase and laughter. “Let go of me.”

I writhe in his strong grip and turn back slightly to Daehyun with difficulty. His face is red from our bout of laughter and he merely stares back at me.

“You’re not heavy,” he murmurs, breath tickling my ear.

“I am,” I mutter, attempting to pry his fingers off him. I’m practically crushing Daehyun by now.

“You’re not,” Daehyun firmly returns. “You’re just right the way you are.”

Honestly, doesn’t he get sick of doing this? Having to worry over someone like me who wallows in self-pity? It must be so annoying for him.

“Daehyun-”

“You’re not. I’ll tell you a million times if I need to.”

Silence overcomes us and I exhale softly, Daehyun’s warmth nestling against my back. It’s… nice to be held like this.

The heat slowly creeps up my cheeks and I lower my head, shelving my weird thoughts.

“I need to do my homework, Daehyun. It’s late. Let go of me,” I clear my throat, more forcefully lifting Daehyun’s fingers one by one.

He silently acquiesces and lets me loose. I quickly push myself off much harder than necessary and even out my clothes, a little embarrassed by the position we were in.

“I’m sorry.”

I turn to Daehyun as he gets off the bed, shade of crimson still dabbing his neck. He massages his shoulder and breathes, “Ah, I should go, shouldn’t I? Sorry for disturbing you.”

“Huh? No, Daehyun, I didn’t mean it that way. Stay as long as you want,” I apologetically urge, gazing at his downcast expression. I hope he didn’t take me pushing him away the wrong way…

“Let’s do our homework together,” I offe