Exhausted (i)
(triple update, 60, 61 & 62)

Over the past few weeks, I've been avoiding Daehyun. I know it's horrible of me to do so but I can't help it. Every time I see him in the hallways, my feet immediately swivel on their own and rush the opposite way. The worst part is that I'm quite sure Daehyun has noticed what I'm doing. Of course he would; what am I saying? We are together so often and we've suddenly gone days without seeing each other for more than five minutes.

After what I said on that Monday, Daehyun apologised over the phone and swore that he didn't see past the kiss besides as a friendly gesture, much to my relief. Even though it eased some of my worries, I still can't bring myself to face him. 

The past few weeks haven't been great. It's my fault, since I've been actively staying away from Daehyun. He seemed a lot quieter this Tuesday when he found me out of the crowd and asked if I wanted to study with him, but I told him I needed to meet a teacher for consultation. He called me that night and halfway, I told him I was tired and wanted to sleep, even though we've always talked up till eleven on days we didn't get to meet.

That itself is already terrible, huh? I'm acting like his boyfriend, wanting to hear his voice and getting so used to having him always around. Maybe it was nicer when I didn't know I liked him, spending hours thoughtlessly talking to him without understanding why I was always so mirthful, but at least now I'm starting to open my eyes wider. 

Pretty much the same happened on the day before yesterday, except worse, since Daehyun came to my class early and said he bought marble cake for us to share. I spent recess fidgeting like I had ants in my trousers and I was so glad Hongbin hopped over to save how awkward our conversation was.

Yesterday was better since Daehyun didn't approach me besides stopping to talk to me in the hallway when he saw me, plus the usual nightly phone call. He seemed even quieter and almost distant but when I asked, he simply said he was tired. Still, we had literature lecture that day, so we had lunch together as usual. I could barely look him in the eyes for a few seconds straight but he did seem honestly tired.

I don't pick up his calls and I cut short our text message conversations with excuses that I'm busy or that I need to shower. I either tell him I'm staying in school to finish my homework when he asks if we want to go home together or rush out of class right after the bell rings and apologise to him, saying I've already left.

Honestly, it isn't just about avoiding him to settle my feelings for it. It's because... it hurts. Every time I'm with him, I find so many more things to love about him. It was okay when I simply thought it was cute that the folds of his cheeks droop a little, but everything I passed off as fondness is becoming more and more misconstrued. 

I'm scared to like him even more because where will that lead me to when he's holding someone else's hand? Being the one who can only watch him from afar—the thought makes me feel so lonely.  I'm afraid it'll hurt more than it does now. Sometimes, when you know you won't get the things you want, the only way out is to make yourself want it less.

I'm sure he has his own friends to spend time with. I mean, I was never the best company so now, he has time for his other friends. Yeah, I'm sure he won't mind that much. He probably doesn't care that I'm gone since I'm not that important to him.

I absentmindedly play with the frayed edge of my textbook, spacing out in class as the teacher runs through several conceptual errors. It's stupid. I miss him but I'm the one running away from him. I just...

Every time I look at him, my heart pounds like crazy and I'm so afraid he'll know. Every time I see him, I shrivel up on the inside and I feel horrible. It was one thing to like Hyosung while knowing she was out of my league, but this hurts a lot. And it's because I actually like Daehyun while I was only a little infatuated with Hyosung.

The irony, huh? I was the one who asked if we could stay friends no matter what yet I'm the one avoiding him. I just hope my feelings will fade. Being around him only makes it worse. I don't want to make things complicated between us and ruin what we have.

"So, the bathroom floor or Jihoon's armpit?" Donggeun enthusiastically chimes, jutting his head too close for comfort. 

I churn out an irked expression and point out, "Dude, I'm still eating."

"That's the point. I'm trying to ruin your appetite 'cause I really want your dumpling." Donggeun musters up an unapologetic smile and I squint at him, picking up the dumpling and shoving it into his mouth. He nearly hurls it out in shock but thankfully, he doesn't.

"You shouldn't starve yourself for a gift," I chide, placing down my utensils and passing my plate of fried beef to him. Donggeun instantly lights up with a short squeal, digging in without another word.

"Thanks for shutting him up," Chanshik groans as he shudders. "I think he ruined my appetite for life."

"You know, you're one to talk, Youngjae," Hongbin chuckles between his slurps. "You always skip recess."

"I'm just not hungry," I return with a laugh and gesture towards Donggeun. "This guy here wants to save up sixty dollars to get a watch for his girlfriend."

"Woah, why so much?" Hongbin questions incredulously.

Donggeun gulps down a whole chunk of food and responds belatedly, "It's her birthday next week. I have to get her the perfect present."

"Why?" Hongbin rebounds, shaking his head. "Did she threaten to leave you if you didn't?"

 "No, but I want her to be happy," Donggeun replies while munching on his food.

"I'm sure