Sugar, Coffee and Cake (i)
(double update, 40 & 41)

A soothing warmth falls upon my cheek as I stir, slumber slipping from my fluttering eyes. I set my blurry gaze upon a face too close to mine and let out a soft breath.

Daehyun...

Right, he slept over... I shift slightly and still to find our ankles huddled together. Awkward, I attempt to tug them away but the moment Daehyun squirms, I decide to give up. Heat drizzles onto my skin as his breath tickles my nose.

Daehyun looks so peaceful like this. I instinctively melt into a smile, lifting a finger and tapping him ever so lightly on his cheek. The distance between us is small and I shift backwards, the touch of Daehyun's light exhales disappearing from my skin.

He's really handsome... God really gave him the best genes possible, huh? Wish I had that much luck too. I tap him on the eyebrow and Daehyun scrunches up his nose, snivelling. I muffle back a chuckle and tap his nose this time, pulling back just in time before he reaches up to rub his nose. Cute.

It's already ten. Hm, I thought Daehyun was an early riser. I snuggle against my pillow, growing more accustomed to our awkward pile of limbs. Daehyun is warm and it kind of feels like I'm sitting beside a fireplace. I like it.

Morning dabs onto both of us, the heat growing uncomfortable. I decide to disturb him just one last time and poke his lower lip. His face contorts again and I laugh quietly. I retract my legs as slowly and gently as possible from Daehyun's, his thick calves weighing heavily on mine.

I tumble off the bed and tiptoe to the window, drawing the blinds and erasing the blinding sunlight drizzling on Daehyun's closed eyes. I head to the bathroom to wash up and ransack my fridge for anything to eat. All I manage to finger out is the two pitiful eggs left. Agh, I have to make something decent for Daehyun, especially after what he did for me yesterday.

Maybe I can make some french toast and soft boiled eggs? I have a few pieces of bread left. I hope it's enough for him. Clanging the pan onto the stove, I hurriedly get to work, tossing ingredients around and waiting for the eggs to boil.

"Good morning." The sleepy voice tugs me out of my ministrations and I spin around to find Daehyun groggily slouching over me, a dorky smile drooping from his lips.

"Good morning," I chuckle back, ruffling his hair as he adorably blinks back. He melts into a brighter smile and asks hoarsely, "How was your sleep?"

"You kicked me off the bed," I snort jokingly, laughing when Daehyun parts his lips in shock. "I'm just kidding." I avoid the jab that comes and continue, "I slept well. How about you?"

"...Well, you kept hugging me," Daehyun replies, hand reaching up to touch his cheek. I widen my eyes and stare at him in disbelief, before snickering, "You're joking, right?"

"You really did." Daehyun shakes his head firmly with thinned lips and I gape at him, trying to recall whether I really did cling onto Daehyun.

"Hey, are you lying?" I pout.

Daehyun stares for a moment before answering, "No, you really did hug me. You wouldn't let go. Shall I demonstrate?”

He puts out his arms and awkwardly wraps his arms around an empty space, puckering his lips. I blink at him and burst out into laughter, Daehyun’s impassive face making the scene exceedingly comical. His normal expression is always so aloof that it makes everything he does look serious... and cool, just not in this context.

“Yeah, right.” I bump him away with my hip and laugh when he stumbles. “Go sit there,” I gesture to the dining table. Daehyun obediently settles down and watches as I toast the bread. A random thought flitters into my mind and I blubber amusedly, “Hey, this reminds me of-”

The morning after a one night stand. Uh, I mean, in those movies, the morning after the whole dooey, there’s always the making breakfast thing… and casual talk… and…

Wow.

Was I really planning on telling Daehyun that?

Cursing my brain-to-mouth filter to the depths of hell, I press my lips together just as Daehyun hums. “Mm? What does it remind you of?”

“Uh…” I cough, grating the spatula against the pan to fill the curious silence. I spout out a random answer. “MasterChef?”

Daehyun’s chuckle follows and he teases, “I see you think highly of your cooking.” I flush, decidedly keeping quiet. Well, it’s better than telling Daehyun about the whole one night stand thing. My brain must be fried from what happened yesterday.

Oh right, Younha said we should talk today. I wonder if they’ve found any solutions or any particular leverage so we can negotiate better. I glumly muse over the situation, biting back a long, dreary sigh. It feels as though I’ve been fired. I’ve dedicated so much to the publishing team and to be closed down like this hurts more than I want to admit. Some students don’t take their extracurricular clubs seriously since it’s just there to make our record look nicer, but I really loved designing for the school magazine.

“You do cook really well.” I glance back to Daehyun and scrunch up my nose in lighthearted suspicion. “You’re just saying that because I’m cooking for you, right?”

“That’s for me?” Daehyun’s pitch raises and I puff, “I was kidding. It’s for me.” Daehyun dejectedly whines and roams over once again, observing my ministrations at a close distance.

“You know, when I first started cooking, I burnt rice.” Daehyun arches his brows in amusement and I chuckle, “I was using a rice cooker, not making fried rice, if you were wondering.”

“How did you manage that?” Daehyun laughs and I reach up to pat his bed head, a stray clump standing upright. “I don’t know. It’s a god-given skill,” I jest. We simmer into a peaceful silence, the fire crackling in the quietness.

“You cooked fried rice for me the first time I came over.” I look up to Daehyun and he offers me a small smile, thumb rubbing over his right cheek. The memories drizzle into my head, the nostalgia warm and comforting. It’s funny how far we’ve come. It was so uncomfortable between us two at that time—I was afraid of Daehyun being irked by how bad I was at talking, and we kept having these weird stare-offs where neither of us knew what to say. I wonder how he felt at that time, now that I know he’s actually quiet by nature.

That day, we had sat awkwardly in my living room, me feeling jittery knowing that Daehyun’s one of the popular kids, one of the centres of attention in our school. In the social hierarchy, if someone like me is around Daehyun, people are bound to think it’s weird and some may even gossip about it, saying we don’t belong together. I still remember when Chanhee had looked so surprised after realising Daehyun was with me.

Yet, things are so different now. Who would have thought we’d become so close? It feels weird—a good kind of weird—as though just the other day, I had been fidgeting around Daehyun and racking my brains as to why he wanted to be my project partner.

“You fell asleep on my bed,” I snort. “And you had all my stuff in your arms. Were you trying to steal them?”

“I’m sorry,” Daehyun lowly chuckles, wearing a goofy smile once again and zoning out for a moment. He parts his lips, as though wanting to say something, but conclusively closes his mouth. Leaving the eggs to boil, I rummage through the drawers and find a new toothbrush for Daehyun. He goes to wash up while I serve up breakfast, curling up on a chair afterwards.

Thumbing through my phone, guilt once again permeates me as I go through the flood of messages and missed calls from Daehyun. As I reach the end, I notice a different message.

Are you angry with me?

Below it are numerous missed calls from Himchan and another text apologising for what Boa did. I ruminate over the message, recounting yesterday’s events. The way he had twisted himself away when I’d just wiped his fingers for him still carves itself into my vision. Should I be angry? I don’t know. I’m tired of being confused and miserable.

I’m not, I type back quickly and put my phone away. Maybe I should just let it go. Am I the stubborn one? To fight with Himchan over something like this? It was a hypothetical, random question he posed to me so long ago, so is it my fault that I’m pressing my answer or his fault that he’s worked up about it? He doesn’t have to worry about it anyway since it’s not like I’m dating anyone. I don’t even have a crush right now.

I’d wanted to clarify I didn’t mean what I said the first time I realised he was avoiding me, that it wasn’t a serious answer, but now… things are different. How would Daehyun feel if i said I was just joking, that I’d never fall in love with someone just because it’s a he, not a she?

I wonder how Daehyun must have felt all these years. Was he scared? Did he feel like he was all alone? How out of place must he have felt, for so long, nonetheless? If I were in his shoes, I’d be so afraid of what people thought of me. My parents, my friends, the people who I love, they may shun me and treat me like I’m completely alien. I wouldn’t know where to go from here.

Is the reason why Daehyun has never confessed because he’s afraid what his crush may think of him? To hold it in for two long years and only become friends with the person you like now, it must have been so hard for him, so hopeless. What is it like to love without any hope of being loved back?

The bathroom door clicks open at this moment and Daehyun emerges, his short fringe dripping with water. He gruffly wipes his face and I watch as he walks over with a grin.

“Smells great. The other plate is for me, right? Or are you going to eat both?” Daehyun teases.

I shake my head barely, gazing up at him.

Did Daehyun ever feel lonely? Even if he’s popular, that so many girls are infatuated with him, and so many people admire him—did he feel lonely, liking a boy while his friend chased after girls? The thought incites a crunch of despondency down my throat and I reach out, taking both his hands. Daehyun stares down at me in surprise and I wordlessly look back up at him.

“Youngjae?” He glances down to our hands.

I softly ask, “Do you want a hug?”

Daehyun sharply blinks, processing my out of the blue question, and he repeats in a guttural, hesitant tone, “...A hug?”

I hum simply. Daehyun regards me for a long while before he nods slowly. I gently draw him towards me, winding my arms around his waist and nestling my face against his chest. Daehyun gradually wraps his arms around my back, squishing my cheek against him as he crouches over.

“If you ever need someone to talk to,” I murmur into Daehyun’s shirt, his scent distinct, “someone to lean on, or even just a hug, I’m here. You can always count on me.” I lean back out of his hold and squeeze his hands.

Daehyun croaks out a deep, quiet hum, and I let go of him, nudging him towards the other chair. I rummage around for the soy sauce and crack open the eggs into a bowl. Daehyun simply stares down at the food, not making any movements.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” I question. “I promise they’re not burnt. The rice incident was years ago,” I cheekily add and pour some milk for both of us.

“Thank you, Youngjae.” I glance over and meet Daehyun’s misty eyes, expression wistful. I proffer him an encouraging grin and pat him on the shoulder. Even if it doesn’t work out between his crush and him, I know he’ll find the right one for him out there, whether a girl or a boy.

I thumb out a slice of white bread and spread some jam, Daehyun’s eyes veering over in question. I prod the other plate of french toast over and state, “They’re both yours. I don’t think one plate’s enough to fill your monstrous appetite.”

“What?" Daehyun worriedly returns. "Youngjae, you should eat.” That same concerned gaze from not too long ago drifts back and Daehyun leans over, pushing the plate back. I wave my bread absentmindedly, assuring, “I am. This is enough. I’m not hungry.”

Besides, I ate a lot last night. I should really cut down on how much I eat.

Daehyun shifts his chair nearer and cuts a piece of toast, holding it out towards me. I adamantly shake my head and stuff my mouth with the bread, citing through munches, “I’m not hungry, Daehyun.” I quickly get up before he can persist, yawning and stretching. “I’m going to make the bed.”

I pace hurriedly away and jab my stomach when it gurgles. Crawling onto the bed, I arrange my pillow and blanket, grabbing the spares ones and heading to my parents’ room. The pillow smells like Daehyun now. I return to my room and plop onto my bed, pulling out my wallet.

I haven’t saved up much… I fret over the few crumpled bills, estimating the number of meals I’ll have to cut down on just to cover the cost of what Daehyun bought for me. It’s fine; I ca