Presents, Perhaps and Probably Not (i)
(double update, 33 & 34)

Over the holidays, I spent most of my time studying for the upcoming mid-years. Jongup came back three days before the school reopening and we went to this full-day gaming convention together near my place. It was a bit awkward, mainly because Jongup was hiding something clearly poignant from me while Jongup knew I was aware of that fact. At the end of it all, when we got dinner at this fast food restaurant, I still didn't muster up the courage to ask about his cryptic words. I wanted to know what reason Himchan had exactly, yet I held back. Was it just that Himchan was being too nosy? Did he think it was for the best and that I'd be happier if I got a girlfriend, and knowing I would reject the offer of a blind date, he surprised me instead?

Maybe I'd just been overreacting. Himchan had good intentions and I'd warped it all because of my own insecurities. I was the one who couldn't sustain Minsoo's interest, anyway. If I'd been more intriguing, who knows, I could be the happiest person in the world right now to have found someone. I could be thanking Himchan profusely for introducing me to Minsoo. Really, I was just being a spoilt brat by refusing to understand that Himchan did it for my sake.

Still, it doesn't explain what happened after the party and his sudden avoidance, or the fact that Jongup has to hide such a simple explanation from me. But I guess you wouldn't tell your friend he's being overdramatic out of politeness.

Honestly, it's probably better to just let it go. Everything has breezed over and Himchan and I are okay now. That night, he'd slept over and we'd shared the bed. My parents seemed a bit put off in the morning, questioning why I didn't inform them, which was quite surprising since they're fond of Himchan and I always expected they wouldn't mind Himchan suddenly staying over.

That aside, I have to admit, the night was uncomfortable. I was tucked underneath Himchan's chin, laid against his chest with his arm laced around my hips. I know we're friends but it just seemed too intimate—especially because he'd kissed me on the cheek. I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive, since it's not the first time we've hugged—during one of our sleepovers, he'd fallen asleep on my tummy with his weight squashing my lower body. I don't know; I really don't know. All this thinking is just making my head hurt more. It's not as if Himchan means anything, knowing his excessively touchy nature.

There has been one other thing occupying my mind throughout the one week break. I don't know why but the urge to find out who exactly Daehyun likes has been bugging me more and more. I even took out this year's yearbook and leafed through every class, taking note of the boys whose name started with Y.

There were many, and I didn't know most of them, so the other hint of him being a designer didn't really help. I did a double take for a few boys: Yang Yoseob, an adorable senior who made the news for helping to design our community's charity café; Jo Youngmin, a doe-eyed freshman and the older half of the famed twin uljjang duo who modelled for their own blogshop; Yesung, a senior who won my freshman year's singing competition, and also famously got into a twitter fight with Kyungwon High's Byun Baekhyun on how to use eyeliner. Yeah.

Anyway, all of them looked really good, so it could be anyone of them. The thing is, what did Daehyun mean by 'designer'? Yoseob was for that time an interior designer, while organising photoshoots and editing modelling photos are also considered designing. He could even mean make-up, for all I know.

I admit, even though I had plenty of chances to ask Daehyun, I didn't because I didn't want to come off as invasive of his privacy. He called me numerous times throughout the holidays; it got kinda amusing after a while. The first time, he called to ask if I'd gotten sick, and insisted on paying me for the food. The second, he called to ask if there was any literature homework. The third, he rang me up to ask for the recipe for the chicken porridge, saying it was really good and he wanted to try cooking it himself—weird, since the porridge was mostly plain. The fourth, he said he found a pen he didn't recognise at home and asked if it was mine, offering to come over to return it. It went on and on over several days, there was once he even called three times in one day.

It felt like he wasn't really calling for what he said he was. I’d bubbled up at the thought that maybe, maybe he just wanted to talk to me, because I myself wanted to talk to him.

To be very, very honest... I've been doing a bit of thinking. While I was flipping through the yearbook, I'd robotically ran my fingers over the list of first names, stopping whenever I saw a capital Y. Unknowingly, I'd stopped at my class and ran my fingers down to the last name starting with Y in the boys row.

And that was my name.

I'd laughed it off and turned over the page, but it began to gnaw at me as I continued flipping. I'd thought back to the time when he asked me if I could lay my head on his shoulder even though the movie had ended. He has always taken care of me so thoroughly and some of the signs have been so subtle I never noticed till the very end. He made sure to walk me back everytime we went out; he'd lugged around a jacket several times just for me; he'd paid for so many of my meals and the things I've bought. There is that undeniable fact too that I... am a designer. There were many times I'd felt Daehyun was way too nice to a nobody like me. I'd let the possibility that perhaps, just maybe... he... likes me.

But... I've just proven my point, haven't I? I'm a nobody. I'd buried my head in my pillow yesterday and yelled inwardly at myself for being conceited enough to think I'm the apple of Daehyun's eye. Why did I let myself think so far ahead when they were so many loopholes? Firstly, Daehyun has loved this boy since freshman year, perhaps even earlier than that. We never met so how exactly could Daehyun develop a crush on me? And from the way Daehyun describes that boy, it's evident he has a lot of accomplishments to make Daehyun doubt he's good enough for him. He probably has the face of an angel. It doesn't add up.

I'm embarrassed I even considered myself as a possibility. I'd never catch the eye of someone like Daehyun.

I hold onto the metal bar as the train carriage rattles, the usual morning crowd smelling like coffee and late nights. Daehyun always takes the same train as me, since sophomore year, or even freshman year. We seem to always arrive at the same time. Since he lives at Woonmyung street, the closest station would be Woonmyung, so why does he always alight at Daeyoung? I remember seeing him board a few times too, but I never really paid attention. Maybe there's no bus from Woonmyung station to his place.

I turn around and scour the carriage, coming across the faces of other familiar students still strangers to me. Daehyun is nowhere in sight. I slump, wondering if he's in the next cabin and peering down the row. There's still no sign of him. Maybe he's later today...

Shrugging it off, I adjust my earpiece and alight, following the usual throng of students to school. Many of them are with their friends, chatting heartily. I used to go to school with Jaebum but he often had trouble waking up, and if I waited for him, I'd usually be late, so we gradually just stopped going together.

I tug my backpack straps and pace to my classroom, yawning lightly. As I enter, heads instantly veer towards me and I blink, awkwardly looking down at my uniform in case I'd forgotten to zip my pants or something.

That's when I notice the variety of colours floating in the air right above my desk at the back. My eyes widen in surprise and I near my table in bewilderment, several students having been curiously peering over. Balloons of different shades sway from side to side, tied to the underside of my desk. There are exactly seven of them, each one colour of the rainbow.On my table lies a huge brown teddy bear with a flat yellow gift box in its lap, along with a white box above it tied up with a brown bow. A scroll of drawing paper is tucked beside the bear’s arm. I gape at it and turn to the nearest person I can find.

“Whose is this...?” I ask, retreating in case I accidentally knock over someone’s surprise. It can’t be mine; who would this for me? And I don’t recall it being any of my classmates’ birthdays… I fidget as the class regards me with quizzical looks.

“You tell me!” Bomi edges over from her seat, inquisitively staring up at me. I raise my brows, murmuring, “I don’t know who these belong to.”

“It’s for you, dummy,” Donggeun drawls, squinting at me.

“What?” I blurt. “It’s not my birthday.”

“Tell Jung Daehyun that,” Chanshik pipes in, tilting his head backwards to look at me. “Did he get the date wrong?”

The moment Daehyun’s name leaves Chanshik’s lips, I freeze, completely baffled. Daehyun did this for me? Daehyun? I stand and stare dumbly at the gifts, totally at a loss for words. Good god, they look so extravagant.

“Better question is: what did you do?” Bomi regards me with an almost awed gaze. “Why did Daehyun get you so much stuff? Did you save his pet dog or something?”

“I… don’t know,” I breathe. My head is spinning with a thousand thoughts right now. Why did Daehyun do this for me? I’d told him there was no need to repay me for taking care of him and I made him promise over the phone not to try and make it up to me because there was nothing to make up for.

“Daehyun did this?” I clarify, almost afraid to touch the pretty gifts on my desk. “Are you sure it’s for me?” Donggeun nods, stating, “He suddenly came in and just started dumping all those stuff there. I don’t know him so it’d be pretty awkward if I asked him what he was doing, but-”

“I asked him,” Hongbin fills in, flitting his lashes as he calls from across the classroom. “He says it’s for you. For your belated birthday.”

“Welp, he’s really late,” Soyul, who had come in just moments after me, patters over. “Your birthday’s in January, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but… we hadn’t made friends then yet,” I mumble. Daehyun is impossible; I can’t believe he did this for me when I just mentioned once that my birthday had passed. I gingerly reach out my hand and pick up the first box, settling in my chair and shrinking back at the numerous eyes fixated on me. I pull out the bow and pry open the white one to find a pretty chocolate cake about the size of my outstretched hand. Warmth gradually floods my cheeks as I quietly shut the box and put it aside, still flabbergasted.

I pop off the lid of the yellow box, taking a moment to process the items inside. A notebook and a pencil—I’d recognise them anywhere. Designers across the world would recognise them on first glance. That Moleskine smart notebook creates vector files from the user’s sketches just by taking a photo of it and syncing it to the computer. I keep up with news related to graphic design a lot, so when I’d saw it a few months ago, I’d spazzed over it, but of course, I’m not rich enough to splurge that much. And the pencil is a smart stylus for the ‘Paper’ drawing app I have on my tablet. I remember drawing on it before the holidays, while waiting for Daehyun during our literature break, and when he had come, I’d absentmindedly mentioned that it was hard to draw with my finger. The fact that he’d remembered something so trivial, coupled with just how costly these gifts are…

I can’t accept these. For Daehyun to buy me something like this, he’s either too nice or… I swallow and shelve the thought for the time being, glancing at the final item in the box. I thumb out the brown envelope sitting at the bottom, glancing over to see people whipping their heads away quickly. Donggeun leans over to peek as I carefully tear open the envelope but Bomi shoves him back, chiding him to respect my privacy.

I slip out a letter, unfolding it cautiously. Daehyun’s familiar handwriting is scrawled over the whole page. I flush instinctively, the reality of it all sinking in. Daehyun is too sweet to even be real, oh dear god.

Youngjae,

Happy belated birthday. I'm sorry I couldn't get you anything better; I didn't have enough time to look for other gifts. I'm sorry it's so late too. I wanted to surprise you earlier but the gifts I ordered hadn't arrived yet. If you don't like it, tell me. I'll get you something else.

There are a lot of things I want to say to you. Making friends with you seemed so out of reach just months ago and now, we spend our breaks together. You make me so happy I can't tell you exactly how much you do. Thank you for coming over to take care of me that day. I'll remember it, definitely.

In The Little Sparrow, you taught me how to be courageous. That I'll never know if I don't try, and even if I fail, I should try again. If one way doesn't work, then find another, because an opportunity won't be there forever. Never did I think I would get the chance to befriend you before graduation came around, but here we are. Thank you. I’m really happy to be with you.

I wish I could have been there for you that day. I'm sorry I let you get hurt. I know it sounds like flattery, and I’m writing it for the sake of it, but really… I can’t imagine someone who wouldn’t like you. You’re amazing in so many more ways than one, and I hope you’ll forever remember that. I say it from the bottom of my heart and I mean every word.

I’m sorry. I talk too much. I hope the gifts chase away the Monday blues.

Thank you for coming into my life.

Daehyun

My throat goes dry by the time I read Daehyun’s name scrawled at the end. I blankly stare at it, drifting off into a daze as I try to piece together everything. I flip over the page just to check, and notice the imprints into the paper. They’re hard enough to tell something had been written on a page above it, but too light to decipher.

“What’d he say?”

I jump as Donggeun cranes his neck and I hurriedly fold the letter, slipping it back into the envelope. My heart is practically pounding right now, my skin uncomfortably chilly and my breathing slightly laboured. I clear my throat, churning out, “U-uh, yeah, it’s for me…”

“Idiot, we know it’s for you,” Donggeun scoffs, conking me gently on the head. “As in, why’d he suddenly bomb you with a thousand and one presen