Nice (iii)
(double update, 52 & 53)

Time passes much faster when I'm with Daehyun. I've thought this many times but Daehyun makes me feel a sense of security that no one else does. Maybe it's because he's been there for me whenever things are hard or that he's just a reliable person in general, but he makes me feel like there's nothing to be afraid. As though there's someone watching over me to catch me when I fall. A little like... a tree?

Alright, I don't have a better analogy. Unlike Daehyun who creates poetry out of thin air, the most I'm capable of is comparing Daehyun to a tree. It's just that he seems to always be there when I need him.

Evening blends in as we call it a day, Hyosung giving Daehyun a bottle of milk coffee as a thank you gift for helping out. I'm sure half of it was because she wanted to thank Daehyun for sitting there and looking handsome during those hours. We stop by the school library to borrow a few books for our next Literature lesson and amble to the train station together, pink lingering against Daehyun's wrinkled cheeks.

It's nice. My heart brims against my chest as I swing my hands lightly back and forth. Daehyun smiles down at me and starts, “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah,” I respond, Heechul's words drizzling into my mind once more. When I think about it honestly, it's true what Heechul said—I decide how people act towards me.

That's because I saw myself as lower than them—and it showed. So that gave people the go sign to do whatever they wanted to me. Because inwardly, I thought they had the right to.

It isn't the first time I've been in a situation similar to what happened with Jooyoung. And often times, I brought it upon myself, didn't I? I made things hard for myself because I didn't know how to say no. I mean, these are small favours, right? I always thought I shouldn't make a big fuss out of it.

Back in late freshman year, I remember I had a classmate who would pull me with him every time his friend didn't come to school—which was quite often, since he was a national athlete. We weren't close and I had an inkling he didn't really like me all that much, since whenever his best friend came back, he wouldn't talk to me. Still, I let him pull me around whenever his friend wasn't around. Chanhee got frustrated with me and said if I was going to treat him and Sungjong like a back-up plan, he didn't want to be friends anymore.

I had a friend too who would call me whenever he was bored or if he wanted to vent, but he wouldn't talk to me in school. I mean, I understand why. Being fat, ugly me, I wasn't exactly the person with the best reputation around. It would be embarrassing to be with me in public. When he found out I was Himchan's friend, he kept asking me to introduce them to each other, but in the end, they didn't click.

Sometimes, I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or not. These are small slights, right? Honestly, I don't know. I feel like I'm overreacting but other times, I feel like I'm being an idiot.

Is it stupid to want to please everybody? At the start of the year when I was frazzled out by the poster design for Beacon and Romea and Juliet, I could have told one of them that I couldn't handle two projects due in just a week—but I didn't. Hyosung and Chanhee definitely aren't bad people; I made things like that for myself.

Glancing over at Daehyun, I find him already looking at me, gazing softly at me. I wonder if Daehyun ever gets into these type of situations. Looking at him now, I can't help but be reminded of how far apart we are. When we're alone, Daehyun makes me forget how different we are, but when I take a step back and see him with the crowd, it's easy to tell there is a gap between us. Just a few hours ago, he'd caught so much attention with just his presence.

For someone who stands out of a crowd without even needing to try, it's no wonder he turns heads wherever he goes. Not only that, Daehyun is genuinely nice deep inside. It'd be nice if I was a little more like him.

Before I went into high school, I never really paid attention to my weight. Jaebum and my friends never brought it up and I honestly didn't think it was a problem. I remember during the first few weeks of school, I met this boy while going to school. We agreed to go to school together the day after and I thought I made a new friend—but he didn't show up, even the next day.

At first, I felt a little terrible, but I told myself maybe he was sick, or his parents sent him to school instead and he coudn't tell me since we didn't exchange numbers. But as these things started to happen more and more, I started to take a good look at myself. When I went for the soccer tryouts and the people behind me were snickering, was it because of my weight? When they were passing down snacks in class and they skipped me, saying I needed to lose weight; when they laughed that my footsteps were too loud; when they told me not to eat the whole bag of sweets like a pig... I started to realise I was... different. In a bad way.

Maybe people didn't want to be near me because of how I looked. As Jaebum became more and more popular, I felt a bit like a burden to him. When he ran down the hallway from his classmates to me, I started seeing not just him but the people around him. And I guess that's where we started drifting apart. Maybe because I was scared he'd turn away and I wouldn't be ready to face that, maybe I didn't want to embarrass him and hold him back, maybe I just knew it would come and I took the first step—but somehow, I distanced myself and we stopped talking when sophomore year came.

I've lost a bit of weight since then but it's not much to speak of. I... don't really like to think about back then because I always feel like I've been too sensitive.

“Youngjae?”

I snap out of my reverie, backing away when Daehyun comes too close. “Sorry,” we both resound unanimously, laughter brewing promptly between us.

“What are you thinking about?” Daehyun asks, the salmon sky framing his stature nicely.

I casually shake my head and change the subject. “Thanks a lot for helping out today, Daehyun. It means a lot.”

“No problem,” Daehyun says, still staring at me with a subtle worry. “You spaced out for a long while.”

“Mm, I was just planning what I'll do when I get home,” I fill in. “Have you thought about how you're going to confess?”

Immediately, Daehyun's irises light up with a brilliant spark, a smile blooming over his lips. He provides, “Still thinking about it.”

“I thought you'd jump right in. You've been waiting so long, after all,” I tease, Daehyun humming lightly to himself.

“I can wait a little longer. I want to take my time to plan it,” Daehyun admits thoughtfully. “...So he'll have something deserving.”

“That's sweet. You seem really optimistic,” I jest, bringing up the brightest smile I can as he nods with determination. “I'm supporting you one hundred percent so if you need any help, just ask.”

“Okay,” Daehyun chuckles, deliberating for a moment. “Do you think serenades are nice?”

“Yup. Very romantic.” I peer up at Daehyun, nearly forgetting my words for a second. “Are you going to write a song for him?”

“It's a secret.” Daehyun beams at me while I sulk, tugging on my backpack straps. “Alright. Hey, Park-songsaengnim said the essay has to be at least three pages, right?”

We saunter to the train station while discussing our latest Literature assignment. It's comforting to know I'll see Daehyun tomorrow since there's Literature. I wake up early on those days to make him lunch but lately, I'm afraid he's getting bored of what I've been cooking. I asked him a few times if there was anything he particularly wanted but he always says no.

Daehyun's birthday is next week. I've gotten him a music notebook with ledger lines to compose his songs, but I'm planning to get other things since it doesn't feel like it's enough.

Squashed against Daehyun in the train, we talk softly in the cabin while sandwiched within the evening throng. With how close we are, I can't stop myself from examining Daehyun's features. I've noticed this a long time ago but Daehyun has a very cute mole beneath his left eye. I kind of want to poke it.

“Do you want to eat dinner together?” Daehyun questions lowly. “I saw this new diner nearby yesterday. They have a dinner special for students. It's six-fifty.”

“Yeah, I'd love to.” Just those words is enough to make Daehyun brim with a lovely smile. He really has to stop this... He doesn't know how special I feel whenever he reacts this way to the most trivial things I say.

We squeeze out of the carriage and Daehyun leads the way through the narrow street, peering behind constantly to see if I'm still following behind. We enter a diner just a few minutes away from the station, nothing too fancy with congratulatory bouquets standing outside the display window. Finding a table for two, Daehyun pulls out my chair and I glance up at him momentarily, settling down with a quiet thanks. He prods over the menu with a toothy grin.

“You're always happy when it comes to food,” I remark amusedly, flipping open the menu.

After we're done choosing, Daehyun goes up to the counter to pay, refusing to take my cash. Releasing a soft breath as I watch him join the queue, I lean over and stuff it into one of his bag pockets. How can someone be so nice?

He returns in a few minutes with our drinks, the backdrop of hearty laughs and easy murmurs drifting past us. I look away when Daehyun's gaze falls on me, observing the interior of the diner. It's a little small, serving only traditional Korean cuisines, but nonetheless, it has a pretty design with mahagony tables and amber lights.

Turning back to Daehyun, I sieve out that look from this afternoon entrenched in his eyes. Before I can say anything to alleviate his worry, Daehyun lets out a short breath.

“Did something happen?” He asks gently.

“Nothing happened, Daehyun. Seriously,” I insist, slurping at my drink and deviating my attention back to our surroundings. The clutter of white noise and ceramic separates us momentarily till Daehyun lowers his head. “I'm sorry I keep prying.”

Whipping my head back, I hurriedly put down my drink and guiltily say, “Daehyun, you're not. It's just... it's really nothing big. I was tired and all.” My words drift off when Daehyun looks me in the eye, clearly not believing me but keeping his thoughts to himself.

I awkwardly rub at my elbow and heave, shrinking back into Daehyun's jacket. Since he gave it to me this afternoon, I've been wearing it all day, even though it wasn't that cold out today. I sort of didn't want to part with it.

“Do you think it's good to be nice?” I question meekly, playing with my fingers underneath the table. Daehyun blinks at me.

Yeah,” he answers promptly, expectantly waiting for me to continue. I nod belatedly and sip at my drink, murmuring, “Sorry, it was a stupid question.”

“It's not,” Daehyun swiftly soothes, craning forward with a serious look. “Why do you ask?”

It takes a while for me to finally find the right words, squirming around under Daehyun's scrutiny. “Yesterday... someone said I was too nice. That I don't dare to say no, I think I'm inferior and I let people take advantage of me.”

“Who said that?” Daehyun raises his voice immediately, the sudden transition startling me. I hastily blurt, “Just a friend. He didn't mean any harm; he was just looking out for me. Honestly, I agree with him.” Summing it up with a laugh, I trail off upon see