Reasons (i)
(double update, 57 & 58)

Over the course of this week, the campaign has been going well. It's mostly met with positive responses since it doesn't require something too complicated from supporters and the girls especially like the love theme. Hyosung says not to expect much because even if we get lots of support to reinstate our clubs, it's not easy to just overturn a motion by the school board. Still, at least we tried to stand up for what we love.

We're still in the midst of thinking of new ideas since I passed on Daehyun's feedback to the committee (keeping Daehyun anonymous, of course). Aaron actually got pretty offended because he thought the "free hugs" concept was adorable even though it's overused. Despite what Daehyun thinks about the campaign, Daehyun has been actively helping out. He keeps insisting on doing my roles, for some reason. When I'm supposed to do the free hugs or when I'm meant to hold hands with Aaron while wearing the sandwich boards, Daehyun adamantly asks to do those duties. Otherwise, he just follows me around quietly like a cute puppy.

Even though it's depressing that our clubs are still officially on hiatus, this campaign has been really meaningful. Younha has been letting me follow around what we call our "couple sandwiches", where two of our same- members hold hands and roam around the school with the huge sandwich boards. So, instead of her doing the talking, I'm now the one explaining what happened and why we're garnering signatures. It was a little difficult at first since I wasn't as passionate as Younha hoped but I'm getting more fluent. It's helping me talk more confidently, actually, as I'm approaching people I don't know and people I never thought I'd talk to. Though, my vision is starting to tint with pink since that's the colour of the decorations I'm looking at almost all the time.

I also think it's somehow comforting that Daehyun's helping out, knowing the subject is strung a little more closely to him. I hope that he'll feel more confident seeing the amount of hearts with collated over this period to confess with more sureness. Speaking of which, I've been asking every now and then when he's going to confess. It's none of my business to ask but I'm secretly anxious for him. Daehyun always follows up with the answer that he wants to make it perfect so he's planning it thoroughly. It's both undeniably adorable and sweet that he'd invest so much effort into crafting his confession. He still seems nervous and often asks if I think his crush will give him a chance in spite of the odds, so the whole campaign might give him some form of indirect support as well.

Over these several days... I've been thinking. A lot. About how and why I reacted the way I did when Daehyun and Taemin held hands. The reason why I was upset that Daehyun and Taemin were paired up was because... well, not only do I just want Daehyun to be happy, but I want to be the one that makes him happy. I wasn't happy that Taemin was holding Daehyun's hand because I've unconsciously gotten so used to seeing myself as someone so prominent in Daehyun's life that maybe I just want him all to myself? God, it's such a self-centred thought.

I was only being clingy. Daehyun's a good friend and I'm afraid to lose him. I've felt this way towards Himchan and Jaebum before. 

But... the feelings are different... When it came to Himchan and Jaebum, I was more saddened than anything since I was afraid I wouldn't be exciting as their friends, but what I felt on Monday was annoyance, on top of that inferiority. It's, well, hard to pinpoint what exactly I was upset about.

I guess I've really gotten too clingy. Still, step one is to admit how I feel, and step two would be to fix it. I should know my limits as his friend. It's not that complicated—I like Daehyun as a friend so I got jealous at the thought of him giving his time to someone else.

Even though Daehyun tells me to be honest with my feelings, no matter what, it doesn't mean I'm allowed to be selfish. It's kind of stupid I'm getting jealous when I was the one who tried to get them together in the first place. I guess it's the inertia... I'm afraid things will change between me and Daehyun if things change with him. But if Daehyun can be happier, I don't mind.

It's Daehyun's birthday today. I called last night to check if he was still coming, since I was afraid he would drink and get a hangover the day after. All my worrying was for nothing—Daehyun went home early since he wasn't interested in drinking and said he didn't want to deal with a headache. It seemed kind of cheesy, counting down the minutes and trying to drag out the conversation till the second hand hit midnight. But I wanted to be the first so we spent around fifteen minutes talking about lots of random stuff. How we met the day before on the train but we couldn't get to each other because of the crowd, so we spent the train ride glimpsing at each other and mouthing out words we couldn't understand. How Daehyun's coach made their team run ten rounds because one of the basketballs went missing. How Donggeun ran out of things to throw at Jihoon so he suddenly wrenched my shoe from my foot and flung it at him.

While Daehyun was talking about his supplementary classes, I'd abruptly yelled out a Happy Birthday! once the clock struck twelve. He had stopped short and after a few moments, we both started laughing softly till our voices drizzled away into the midnight atmosphere.

Sometimes, I think we're a little too attached to each other. I'm always hesitant on saying that I'm Daehyun's close friend, having just gotten to know him this year, but I'm not overstepping boundaries when I say we're rather good friends, right? This is the closest I've felt towards someone in years. The only other person I've ever been so conjoined to the hip to would be Jaebum, and that was when we were in primary school.

Fiddling with the baby blue gift box in my lap, I let out a soft breath and glance to the clock. I woke up early to make anchovy kelp broth and cook rice for the tofu stew. My parents left the house around fifteen minutes ago since they were going to visit my grandfather, so I told Daehyun to come only now. He insisted on lounging over at my place to celebrate his birthday despite me telling him that my home is absolutely boring. I was a little disappointed since all the plans I'd come up with were dashed in a split second. That, um, outing we had during the holidays was planned so well and I wanted to give Daehyun something similar to that, but instead, we're just spending his birthday at my house. 

It's making me worry more. I was so conscientious in planning every little detail to ensure Daehyun has a great day but he told me that we could just think of things to do while we're together. It's going to be like every other day, at this rate... 

Raking my eyes over the living room, I massage my temple in consternation. Because Daehyun's request to spend his birthday at my house was so out of the blue, I didn't have much time to think about what we could do together. I went shopping on Wednesday to buy back some raw food supplies to cook lunch and dinner but roaming the mall didn't give me much ideas. My parents were really surprised by how stocked the refrigerator was, though, and that it was all for one person.

I was thinking video games but I don't have any consoles. Guess it'll just be hours of playing Monopoly till Daehyun finally concedes it was a bad idea to crash at my place.

The door bell rings and snaps me out of my contemplation. I instantly scramble to my feet, evening out my shirt and combing my hair with my fingers. I mean, I'm just trying to look presentable... 

Shoving the embarrassing thought out of my mind, I heave the door open to find Daehyun tugging at the seams of his shirt. "Daehyun," I start, watching as his eyes flicker up to meet mine. It's almost instinctive for me to melt into a small smile. A broad grin draws across Daehyun's thick lips and the sunlight falls upon the indents over his cheeks, his expression emanating of a mellow joy.

"Happy birthday," the sheepish greeting spills from my lips in a quick breath. Daehyun's simper somehow manages to brim further and I nudge the door open, allowing him to step in. 

"Thank you," Daehyun chuckles, silly laughter tickling my sides too. He's wearing a faded blue shirt with white lettering and knee-length shorts, hair styled neatly. He's... so handsome.

After I shut the door, we gaze at one another for a while and a slight nervousness whelms me. It's okay being around other people with Daehyun but it's been a while since we were really alone with one another. We have been over at each other's houses quite a few times but I guess it's really been such a long time that I'm feeling jittery.

"Have you eaten breakfast?" I ask, Daehyun nodding his head after a few moments. We sink into a light quietness but it seems that it's just me feeling anxious, Daehyun simply smiling down at me with his thousand-watt grin. Gesturing slightly to the couch, I announce, "I'll go get you something to drink."

Meandering quickly to the kitchen, I heave a sigh as I grab the bottle out of the fridge. I'm being so awkward. It's all because I've been thinking too much about what happened on Monday. It's not as if the concept of a friend getting jealous is so confusing that I have to grapple with it.

Pouring two glasses of apple tea, I pace back to the living room. Daehyun is standing right in the middle of the room, glancing down at his shirt before noticing I've returned. He promptly simpers again and fidgets blatantly, taking the beverage.

"Thanks, Youngjae," he hums, spinning around to face me as I plop down onto the couch. I gently pat the seat besi