Afraid (i)
(double update, 46 & 47)

The meeting with Heechul ran over by two hours. In all honesty, we weren’t very productive—by we, I mean the publishing team. Because it was a conjoined meeting with the drama club, Heechul was tackling both ideas for our campaigns at one shot. The drama club exco members were rather vocal in expressing their ideas so what ensued was a lot arguments thrown about from one side to another.

Aaron was muttering that bringing Heechul here was making things worse, but Younha told us not to undermine Heechul. He was practically the king of the student body back when he was still studying in our school and ran some kind of dictatorship over the cohort. He knew just how to hype the crowd and gain attention. In fact, whenever he went up on stage, his fan club would start chanting milky white skin Kim Heechul, which is pretty freaky, if you ask me.

It’s embarrassing to admit this, but most of the time during the meeting, I just sat quietly and listened. I had a few ideas here and there but I was a bit nervous to say them, with the yelling and everything. Though, seeing the drama club’s exco made me question whether I did deserve my place as the head designer. I have no leadership qualities; all I can do is design, and I’m not even that good at that.

Unlike Aaron, Younha didn’t seem to mind that the drama club’s campaign idea was settled first while ours was mainly untouched, since she emphasised we needed their backing first and foremost. For a publishing team, it’s quite ironic that what we lack is publicity. Our magazines aren’t that popular and people aren’t familiar with us, since we mainly work behind the scenes.

Younha brought up this point during the meeting and Heechul suggested that we should make use of “school celebrities”, a.k.a the popular kids. Buzz tails these students religiously so if a few of them can be our spokesperson, it’ll help us a lot. The publishing team consists of mainly low-profile students so that’s a bit of a hurdle for us.

We did learn something, though. Hyosung managed to dig and find out what exactly lead to the disbandment of our clubs. We’ve been told that the members of the public found out about the play and our exclusive interview with Heechul that touched on his uality and coming out, which lead them to complain. The school didn’t want to deal with the backlash so they said that these after-school clubs were all autonomous and promptly shut us down as a quick fix.

By the time it was four, Heechul and Hyosung were still in the midst of their argument and Sunhwa had suddenly jumped right in. I texted Daehyun that he should go first but he insisted he would wait. As the minutes went by, I got more frenzied thinking about Daehyun wasting his time waiting for me. I kept texting him to go home first but he refused to, saying he would wait till my meeting ended.

In the end, we couldn’t go for the movie. I ran back to find Daehyun still at the same table, sleeping soundly. It was cute to see his head buried in his arms, left cheek squashed against his forearm with some drool trailing from his lips. I wanted to stare for a while longer but the sun had already set; I didn’t want to make Daehyun wait even a minute longer after the four hours he waited.

I did… take a photo of him though. It was really cute, okay! He looked like a puppy with his adorable mole and the chubby fats beneath his eyes.

Thankfully, Daehyun didn’t seem disappointed that we couldn’t go for the movie. As we got takeout and walked home, he patiently listened as I told him what happened during the meeting. He expectedly walked with me all the way to my block despite my protests.

When we came to a stop outside my apartment building, I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad that we didn’t get to spend the day together. And feeling awful for making him wait, I grabbed Daehyun’s hands and promised him we would go watch a movie some other time, my treat.

It was weird but when he smiled, the air seemed to still for a moment. Maybe it’s because it was cold and dark, us standing in the empty corridor, maybe it’s because Daehyun’s simper held a thousand watts, but I thought then and there that I’d like to always see that blinding smile on Daehyun’s face.

The world seemed much brighter with it.

After I got home yesterday, I did a lot of thinking. I guess the thought of having to juggle my schoolwork and the publishing team made me a bit frazzled out as I brainstormed hard on good ideas for the campaign. Because Younha is coping with her piles of practices for the mock exams, it’s up to me and Aaron to come up with ideas.

Daehyun’s birthday was also at the back of my mind, gnawing incessantly. I’m still afraid he might have forgotten our agreement. In any case, I’ve been brainstorming really, really hard because I want his birthday to be perfect. I mean, he’s done so much for me.

There were so many things on my mind yesterday that I stopped for a moment and just curled up in my bed. I thought of Himchan too, once more for the umpteenth time, and it sort of dawned on me how stressed out he must be.

The college entrance exams are coming and his mock exams are next week. With the possibility of his scholarship being given away any moment weighing down on his shoulders, and the painful fact that he has to say goodbye to his many close friends, he must be feeling horrible.

And I made it worse. I never really considered his view on things, did I? I was so used to assuming things when it came to Himchan that I just jumped to my own conclusions.

Because he never tells me anything, I’ve always relied on my own inferences to understand what he was thinking on the inside. Whether he was sad on the inside, if he was annoyed though he was smiling, or perhaps that something was troubling him.

It became a habit to just go along with my instincts. Caught up with my own sadness that Himchan’s leaving and my anger for setting me up without permission, I never bothered to stop the cycle of us quarreling again and again.

But I never stepped back to see how he was feeling.

I still don’t know if the times he avoided me were because he was freaked out by me possibly being gay, but I was wrong for just blatantly siding with Daehyun at the coffee shop. I’m not excusing his hostile behaviour but I made Himchan feel like he was the bad guy and cornered him. And whether or not he had ulterior motives for setting me up on that date with Minsoo, at the end of the day, he still did it for my sake.

I’m a terrible person. I gave Himchan so much more stress when he’s already struggling with so many burdens.

Biting back a sigh, I hesitate by Himchan’s classroom door, glancing down at the box in my hands. I stopped by the bakery today and got Himchan some apple strudels and a few tidbits to keep him going throughout the day. It set me back a bit on the budget I allocated for Daehyun’s birthday expense, but if I skip today’s lunch, it’ll be fine.

I flick the little sticky note placed on the box cover.

Himchan-hyung :)

Your mock exams are coming, so eat more to get energy, okay? Make sure you don’t skip any meals and get some good rest. Remember not to drink too much coffee, else you’ll upset your stomach, idiot.

Good luck, hyung!

It’s weird writing these kind of notes to him. Himchan and I have never been the kind to verbalise our affections for one another. Even the last time I got him that cake, I didn’t leave a note because I felt embarrassed.

Right now… I feel awkward about facing him. It’s weird to feel upset with someone and feel guilty towards too.

I better go in before Himchan’s teacher comes. I heave a sigh and peek into the room.

Himchan’s not in his seat. Hongki notices me by the ajar door and he waves fervently, beckoning me over.

“Oh gosh, another delivery from Himchan’s junior! Aren’t you just the sweetest little thing?” One of Himchan’s friends, Jieun, coos as she skips over. I flush and murmur out a soft greeting.

“Hongki-hyung,” I say, glancing around. “Have you seen Himchan-hyung?”

“He hasn’t arrived yet,” Hongki fills in.

I furrow my brows in surprise. Himchan always comes to school early.

“I’m wondering why too,” Hongki sighs upon seeing my mien. “Actually, I’ve been meaning to ask you this, Youngjae. Himchan’s been pretty out of it lately. Do you know if anything’s happened? Like, at home or something?”

I flutter my lashes and look away. Is it because of our fight that Himchan’s been acting weird?

I hesitate and ultimately shrug, the guilt wrenching my heart down into my guts. Maybe it really is because of me that Himchan’s getting so stressed out.

I’m so horrible.

“Can you pass this to him when he comes?” I ask softly, Hongki immediately nodding and placing the bags in his lap. I bid them goodbye and trudge out the classroom to my own.

Lessons breeze past with a tired whir, the faces of our numerous teachers flickering along with the messy scrawls on the whiteboard. I stayed in for recess as always, and I thought up a few ideas for the campaign. Maybe we could get a few of the team members to wear poster cardboards and walk around the school. We’ll explain what happened and people can show support by pasting sticky notes with their name on it.

It’s really bland, though...

Tossing my books into my bag, I scribble down the homework for today and grab my laptop. I’m supposed to meet Yongguk at three to finish up his the design for his album. I’ve been so busy lately that I completely forgot about it.

I wander over to Aaron. He heaves a lengthy sigh upon seeing me and pouts, gesturing for me to sit.

“Have you come up with anything?” I ask.

“Not really…” Aaron heaves. “I mean, I got some ideas here and there, but nothing concrete. What about you?”

I fidget and murmur, “I thought of something, but it’s kind of boring.”

“Tell me,” Aaron urges, leaning forward in curiosity.

“Well… I was kind of thinking maybe we could get some of the team members to go around during those busy lunch periods. They’ll carry some cardboards and we’ll talk about what happened, and if they agree with the cause, they can sign some sticky notes and paste them on the board.”

“That’s a good foundation,” Aaron says, nodding along. “It’s a smart way to show the school the amount of support we’re getting. But we’ve got to spice it up a little.”

“Heechul mentioned that we should make use of school celebrities, right?” Aaron muses. “Maybe we can get a few of them to be our spokespeople.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I return. “Hey, maybe we can get people to paste the sticky notes on our representatives’ shirts. It’ll be more fun that way.”

“Mm! We’ll get the super sticky kind. How about we get them to hold up a board too? Like, one that explains everything that happened. I’ll come up with the stuff to write.”

“That’s a great idea,” I chime, Aaron sieving out his phone and typing down our notions. “I’ll design the board, then. Let’s buy heart-shaped sticky notes, since it fits the theme.”

“Man, we make an awesome team,” Aaron beams. “We’ll get pink ones to match with our white uniform.”

Aaron’s gaze deviates and he nudges me, pointing behind me. I turn back to see Himchan weaving past my classmates, striding up to me.

“Himchan-hyung,” I start, blinking up at him in surprise.

He stares at me for a moment before turning to Aaron, churning out a cordial smile. “Do you mind if I borrow Youngjae for a while?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Aaron assures, getting up and grabbing his stuff. “We were about done anyway. Hey, I’ll text Younha-noona the details and tell you what she says tonight, alright?”

Aaron stalks out of the classroom, leaving Himchan looming over my seat. Himchan gazes at me with misty eyes and after what seems like eternity, he finally breathes, “Can I talk to you outside?”

--

It’s been a long time since things were awkward between Himchan and me. Whenever there’s silence between us, it’s always a comfortable kind of quietness, one where we know the other person’s there and that’s enough for us. When Himchan crashes my place and he sits at one corner playing with his phone while I read my comic books, when we’re eating lunch and just nomming down our food, when we’re waiting for the bus together outside his house…

I liked those moments of comfortable silence. It made me feel special to Himchan because he talked a lot and always aimed to keep the ball rolling, yet he felt comfortable enough to not say a word.

This time is very different. The guilt tosses within my guts nauseatingly and I clasp my fingers on my pants, wordlessness surrounding us. We’re sitting on the curb by the music atrium, not a single student here at this secluded corner. The grass beneath my feet tickles my soles.

“Thanks for the snacks,” Himchan starts with a cough. “I ate well. Have you eaten lunch?”

“That’s good,” I return softly. I cross my fingers behind my back and lie, “Yeah, I’ve eaten.”

“I, um, heard what happened,” he mentions, rubbing the back of his neck. “That the school closed down the publishing team.”

“Yeah. And the drama club,” I breathe, shifting a little.

“That ,” Himchan mutters. We promptly simmer back into silence.

“Your mock exam’s coming, right, hyung?” I mumble, to which Himchan nods.

“Do your best,” I hum, drumming my fingers against my knee.

“Thanks.”

It’s quiet. I look over to Himchan and he slowly turns to stare at me, flitting his eyelids. His eye circles are so dark; he looks way older than he should be. Guilt overwhelms me as I take in his exhausted appearance and I lower my head.

“I’m sorry, hyung.”

Himchan edges closer and confusedly questions, “Sorry for what?”

“Sorry for making things so hard for you,” I wheeze. I glance up at him and mumble, “You’re already dealing with so much but I kept fighting with you.”

Squirming in my seat, I continue softly, “Those times where you didn’t talk to me for days and ignored my calls and messages, then said it was nothing, you were avoiding me, right, hyung? Tell me the truth.”

We lock eyes and Himchan parts his lips. He almost protests but stops short, releasing a dreary sigh.

“Yeah,” he confesses simply, leaving another drawn out silence hanging over us.

I exhale barely and curl my legs up against my chest, hugging them loosely. The first time Himchan started ignoring me was right after that day where he’d asked me if I’d date a guy, and I told him I would if I loved him. When we finally met up after a while, he kept trying to introduce girls to me, and seemed really uncomfortable when I brought up what he asked me. He even got upset when I tried to press the topic.

The next was when we threw his celebration party—we hugged, he kissed me and promptly left without even saying goodbye. It was only a week after that he started talking to me, and all he did was set me up on a date with Minsoo. He told me it was none of the reasons I thought it out to be, but every time I touched him, he would back away as if I was diseased.

Himchan kept persisting in his cryptic remarks, saying he couldn’t tell me the reason. I can’t think of anything else but the fact that Himchan thinks I’m gay, and he’s freaked out by it. Yet, it doesn’t make sense. He’s good friends with Heechul, isn’t he?

Are they just coincidences? Were these incidents all just because Himchan was stressed out and so, he acted weirdly? Or do I have concrete reason to suspect something is going on?

Even Himchan acknowledged he was behaving weirdly towards me. So why couldn’t he just tell me he was stressed out?

“Why?” I ask quietly.

Himchan leans back, propping his hands on the cement road. He dwells for a long while, just the distant bustle of lessons and chatter filling the space between us.

Himchan finally turns to me and our gazes meet. I patiently stare back into his eyes as his pupils seem to dart around, raking over my face.

He opens his mouth and shuts it indecisively, gulping down the