Windy Days, the Unsaid and You (iii)

Present day.

Is this real?

I stretch out a finger uncertainly, wanting to touch your cheek to affirm your presence beside me. Blink harder to confirm it's you sharing the bed with me. Go closer to feel your breath against my lips and ascertain that yes, it's you, Yoo Youngjae, the boy who I've loved for nearly three years. Yes, it's you, the one I spend my days thinking of hopelessly, the one I worry for more than myself, the one I dream of constantly—but even then, I'm afraid to touch.

I pull back my hand at the last moment, afraid of grabbing onto nothing, like how I always have in the hallways where I think of talking to you but am always too far out of reach. Even if it is just my imagination, it's okay. I don't want to wake up if I can be by your side in my dreams.

I sink into the pillow, feeling hot with the shadow of your delicate breathing on my skin. There are a million things going through my head right now. A hundred sketches, a thousand words, a million songs I want to compose in your name. Yet nothing comes out of my lips but a smile as I continue gazing at your peaceful face. You're so much more beautiful up close; it's unbelievable.

How can I sleep like this? With you lying so close to me when all I've been doing for the past two years is watch you from afar, your eyelashes against your cheeks, your slightly parted lips, your soft snivels...

Warm continues to flood my entire being as I admire your features in pure amazement. I... Youngjae, there's so many things I want to say to you right now. But even though I know you're fast asleep, I don't dare to mouth the words.

Did today really happen? Yesterday, I’d been so happy. We ate dinner together. We watched a movie together. You walked me home. I walked you home. On the way back, I kept smiling to myself like an idiot. Every part of me tickled with a sense of happiness that I could never get from anyone else but you. My heart would beat faster when I thought about how close you sat to me in the theatre. I was trying so hard not to jolt and weird you out, but my body had gone completely still with your head nuzzled against my arm. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else but the small movements you made as you breathed, and the way you squinted your eyes shut whenever something flashed on the screen. It felt so much like a date and I couldn’t stop basking in that wishful thinking that for that two hours, you were mine and I was yours. I wanted to hold you. Hold you tight because the only thing that scared me at that point in time was you leaving my side. I thought that maybe, if we ever did, on the off chance, get together, that will be how our dates would be like. But that’ll never happen.

I spent the night lying on the couch staring up at the ceiling, replaying everything we did together. Your gentle smile. Your kind words. The way you look up at me, lashes fluttering and eyes doe. It’s stupid, but I genuinely felt like I couldn’t breathe. You gave me so much hope when you told me the one I liked was the luckiest person ever. How ironic, right? That person is you. You, who encourages me to not be afraid to confess. Should I take your advice? But… that’s just being greedy. I’m happy like this, Youngjae. I’m so happy. And it’s okay if we just stay at friends, because being beside you is all I want. You will never like me back anyway.

You snuggle against the pillow, parting your lips slightly. I hold back a bursting smile, gazing at your stunning face. Sometimes, I wonder if you’re a star that fell to earth. You’re always shining so radiantly, yet you’re so humble and serene.

It was around midnight when it hit me. I’d shot up from the couch, slumping and throwing my head back in frustration. After this project… I wouldn’t have any excuse to meet up with you anymore. I wouldn’t be able to stand close to you, hear your voice directed towards me, at most, we would just wave to one another in the hallways. Just thinking about it yesterday made my entire self shatter in sorrow. These past few weeks have been a dream, so much that I completely forgot it couldn’t last forever. Could we even be considered friends? Or just project partners? I talk so little and I’m a bore, of course you would think the latter.

Today… I spent an hour trying to style my hair, wanting to look good in front of you, since it’ll be the last time we’ll be meeting. The moment I saw you, I felt like I'd been knocked off my feet. My throat went dry and I really couldn't help but feel flustered at how gorgeous you were. I had to stop myself from ogling at you because I kept thinking of how it'd be... if I could put my arm around your waist and...

I couldn't face you when that crushing urge to kiss you won't leave me alone. I really wanted to. I didn't know what I'd do if I continued staring, so I didn't dare look any longer.

I shift against the pillow carefully so as to not wake you up, lamenting all the blinks I have to make that'll leave me another moment short of looking at you. Do you know, Youngjae? I spent a lot of time at that pottery workshop carving that dove for you. I sat there after school till the sun went down, hoping to perfect it so it'll be good enough for you. That day I gave it to you is still fresh in my mind. You made my heart drop all the way into my stomach and with just one sentence, made it soar higher than ever before. I couldn't sleep that day. Whenever you walked in the hallways with that dove keychain on your bag, I would stare and stare and smile like a complete fool.

I wanted to laugh when your vase started going out of shape. I wanted to smile because of how you pursed your lips and how you frowned in consternation. I wanted to yell out to the world when I put my hands over yours and you talked about that godforsaken movie reference so innocently. I wanted to slap myself for thinking more while my fingers slid through the gaps between yours. This is the first time we've held hands. Today, this special day, I’ll remember forever. I thought about how it'd feel countless of times, and the real thing is infinite times better than what I'd expected. When you're at the canteen with your friends and I watch your small hands clasp on your drink, I think of encasing them in mine, and then I call myself an idiot for imagining that'll ever happen.

I thought to myself at that time, while I sat behind you while we were doing pottery: how great would it be if time could just stop for that moment? I would be okay if the whole world stopped moving if I could hold your hands forever. It's cheesy but I felt it. The tingling sensation they always describe in novels, I felt it from your soft hands. I volunteered to help you collect the vase because it would give me another chance to see you after our project’s done. But I would have done so anyway, even if there wasn’t the pr