Nice (i)

The train bumps over the tracks and clatters noisily against the maroon seven o’clock morning. The dawn crowd is as usual, cluttered with newspapers and glued to their mobile phones, dreary with caffeine and tired weekday blues. Every school day, I squeeze within this throng of people who melt into other faces the next day, waiting for my stop to come as I listen to my playlists.

But today’s different, though. I cling tightly to the pole, arm pressing into Daehyun’s chest as I hastily whisper an apology. Daehyun merely beams down at me, still gently holding on to me with a hand clasping my shoulder.

It’s weird. To think Daehyun and I were strangers once who boarded the same train every morning. Within such a huge sea of people, separated by so many other students heading to our school too, I wonder honestly what would have happened if I never met Daehyun. How many times have we been standing beside one another in the same cabin, wholly ignoring the other while occupied with our phones? He used to be just another student I’d see out of the crowd, one who I knew straight from his looks what kind of social status he held in our school.

Glancing up at Daehyun, I simmer into an amused smile upon seeing the broad simper drawn over his cheeks. He’s been so happy ever since we woke up, even though all we had was cereal and he had to wear back his old, crumpled uniform. It was odd but nice to wake up with someone and have the house be a bit more lively, both of us sauntering about and eating breakfast together.

“Why are you so happy?” I chuckle. Daehyun sends me another silly grin, a dazed look worn over his irises.

“It feels… unreal,” he remarks, voice still hoarse from sleep.

“What’s unreal?” I question, inching away slightly at our close proximity.

“Us,” Daehyun says after a long while. “We’re standing here, together.”

I spend a moment staring blankly at him before averting my gaze, churning out a confused smile. “We’re together quite a lot, aren’t we?”

Quite a lot is an understatement. Daehyun has, in just a meagre span of these few months, become one of my closest friends.

“Yeah,” Daehyun breathes, head clearly still in the clouds. He simpers down at his feet before sharing, “It’s just that… I used to see you on the train but we never talked.”

“You noticed me?” I ask, genuinely surprised. Daehyun offers a smile and readily nods, glee worn from ear to ear.

I can’t help but think of the day we finished our project. Back then, Daehyun was caught up in Park-songsaengnim’s accusations where he was said to have been staring at a few girls during lessons. I was so flustered when he told me he had been staring at me because he wanted to make friends with me.

How long has he wanted to be friends with me? I glance over at Daehyun, tossing out a simper as he gazes back mirthfully. I’ve never understood why out of so many people in our class, he wanted to be friends with me. Now that I know he noticed we go to school together, perhaps it’s the fact that I was a familiar face?

But still, why me? There are tons of students who take the train to school. Maybe it’s because we both board the train at the same station, but then, there are loads of other kids who live near Daeyoung. In fact, several of the literature students in our class do.

I mean, I’m not popular or anything. To so many people, I’m probably just some nameless kid they just brush by every morning, meant to sink into the bustling throng. I’ve always been an extremely low-profile student—my grades are average, I’m not involved in any great projects, my extra-curricular activity is just as unnoticeable as me. The only reasons I can think of that I would even attract attention would be that I’m friends with Himchan, who’s crazy popular. Even then, Himchan has loads of close friends, which makes me nothing special.

So out of a crowd so big, why did Daehyun see me? One part of me wants to ask but the other can’t bring myself to. I should just be thankful that Daehyun came into my life. I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if he hadn’t walked up to me that day and asked me to be his project partner. I thought of him as intimidating and aloof towards me at that time, but now, I’ve learnt well never to judge a book by its cover.

I wonder if I’m different from what he expected. As we lock gazes once more, Daehyun sinks into half-lidded eyes and he lets out a sigh. It’s not that of annoyance but of relief, and there’s also a tinge of resignation to his irises.

“...I was thinking a lot last night,” Daehyun says quietly, lowering his head and his lips. I hum, encouraging him to continue. He seems to hesitate for a long while as he deliberates thoughtfully, folding his lips.

“I… think I’m ready,” he stops short, words raspy and heavy. My pupils flicker back up to Daehyun and I bat my lashes, indicating I’m listening.

“Ready to do what?” I question when the silence becomes way too lengthy. Daehyun’s fingers uneasily curl over the handle and his gaze diverts to the floor.

“To confess.”

The metallic rumble suffuses the morning air as a distant conversation soaks in the back of my mind, the wordlessness between us suddenly explicitly distinct. I blink once, twice, before I shut my parted mouth without even a grunt.

Oh.

I… wasn’t expecting that.

Something churns in the depths of my stomach and I immediately proffer a smile, the memory of this feeling oddly familiar. I know when I’ve felt this. A tinge of happiness, while the rest of it is all daunting. Worry, dread, fear and a heavy, heavy sadness. It was kind of like how I felt when I first heard Himchan got the scholarship.

“That’s amazing!” I cheer, grinning a little too hard that even I cringe inwardly. I reach up and pat Daehyun’s shoulder, squeezing it for good measure. “I’m really proud of you, Daehyun. It takes a lot of courage to confess.”

Daehyun flits his lashes and I persist in my wide simper, patting him lightly. The smile he melts into, like it’s the best decision he’s ever made and I’ve just made it so clear, has my stomach crumpling nauseatingly.

There’s a lot of things on my mind. I’m worried that things won’t go the way Daehyun wants it too. With how taboo same love is for some of us, I’m afraid Daehyun won’t just be rejected—he may be hated, or even worse, outed to the entire school. As much as I want Daehyun to find his happiness, I don’t want Daehyun to ever get hurt, and neither of us can guarantee how the confession will go. Yet, I can’t tell him not to confess and have him swallow down his feelings till they’re gone. The way he’s feeling isn’t wrong but… I’m just so scared. I don’t want Daehyun to be hurt.

And the fact is that my selfish feelings are standing in the way of me being happy for Daehyun. I… don’t know what will happen from here on after he confesses. I like being so close to Daehyun and hearing everything that’s on his mind. We spend so much time together, all our stupid jokes and heart to heart talks, and I cherish all of it so much. Daehyun’s one of the greatest things in my life and I just… what if things change?

“Thank you.” A sudden warmth thumbs my cheek and I abruptly shift back, blinking sharply at Daehyun. He merely flashes me a small smile in return. “It means a lot to hear you say that.”

“You’re gonna make your confession really snazzy, right?” I beam, forcibly shoving all the weighty thoughts to the back of my head. I really can’t help but be selfish, huh?

Daehyun’s eyes crinkle along the sides as he pulls back his limb, clearly in thought. I pipe in, “Make it really romantic. Something with a bang.”

“Okay,” Daehyun chuckles, humming along. His voice collapses into a low tune as he questions, “Do you think… even if he doesn’t like me all that much… he’ll give me a chance?”

“Definitely,” I answer without hesitance, my fingers contrarily curling in reluctance. “You’re an awesome guy, Daehyun. Anyone would be really flattered to have you like them. Besides, if he’s not, it’s his loss.”

Daehyun laughs once more, nodding lightly. He seems to want to say something but ultimately folds his lips, breaking out into another charming smile.

“I’ll do my best,” he determinedly voices, gazing down elatedly at me. With how happy he looks, I can’t even bear to breathe a word that may discourage him.

I diligently wear a smile as the conversation trails away to homework, Daehyun’s revelation still beating blue into the back of my mind. When we reach school, Daehyun walks me to my class since he has to stop by the library, and we part ways afterwards.

I slump into my seat the moment I get to my desk, heaviness resting upon my shoulders. It’s one thing to be worried that the confession won’t go well but to think about myself in such a situation? I didn’t know I could be so selfish.

But… if Daehyun really likes Taemin, it’ll be alright even if he gets rejected, right? Taemin’s practically one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. If he really can’t give Daehyun a chance, then, I have faith he’ll let him down gently.

The thing is, what if it’s not him? The hints Daehyun gave me pointed to Taemin but Daehyun is popular. He has a huge circle and he definitely knows way more people than I do. There are tons of guys he’s met in freshman year and any one of them could be a designer. I don’t even know what kind of designer Daehyun’s talking about. Sure, the whole Y hint narrows it down, but the fact that it’s just the surname doesn’t help much.

Honestly, who else could it be besides Taemin?

My nails sink into the edge of my palm as I in my lips, trying not to think too much. There’s something else that’s making me anxious, and the reason is so damn stupid. God, I’ve already been through this so many times. I don’t fit one of the criterion so why won’t I just let it go? It’s obviously not me.

Anyway, this is Daehyun’s love life; who the heck am I to in? I shake the thoughts out of my head, determined to concentrate in class. With all the hoo-ha I’ve been in recently, I’ve been lagging behind in my studies. It reminds me of when I took on all those design projects. I thought it’d be fine once I got all that done but it seems these hassles keep popping up here and there.

Classes breeze by quickly with my mind still duly occupied by what Daehyun said. Spaced out and distracted by my thoughts, I barely realise the face hovering before me till Aaron suddenly blows a raspberry.

I recoil in irk, wiping my face with my sleeve and shooting an incredulous look at the remorseless boy. He gestures to the door and reminds, “You done daydreaming? We need to go to the drama club room now.”

“Oh, right,” I murmur, hastily packing my bag. Today, we’re staying back to work on the campaign banners and props together with the drama club. Even though it’s technically the drama club’s campaign, all of us thought it a good idea to help out since they’re including our name.

We amble up to the fourth floor, both of us wincing at the noise resounding from the club room at the very end of the corridor. Several shrill voices can be heard, one of them distinctly Heechul’s. They must be arguing again.

“Why bother asking him to come back if they’re just gonna disagree with each other so much?” Aaron heaves, clearly reluctant to approach the commotion. I shrug, offering a smile as we slowly pace towards the room.

The door’s left ajar; no wonder we could hear the noise from out here.