*sorry, daejae are 16 years old >< i can't count lul

That Boy
(triple update, 63, 64 & 65)

Slipping on my white shirt, I fiddle with the seams, gazing at myself in the mirror. It's eight o'clock right now, blue bruising into the sky and wrapping around the atmosphere with a lovely darkness. I adjust my jeans and plop back onto the bed, looking absentmindedly at my reflection.

I was staring at you. I always wanted to be your friend.

The yearbook is still flipped open on the table from last night. I couldn't sleep much with the thoughts swarming me, pelting incessantly at my mind and demanding I come up with a way to explain every single thing. Every little piece I picked up along the way but never dared to try putting together, though I always fumbled with them at the back of my head.

What's the first letter of her name?

Y. 

That person... likes designing.

I flutter my lashes, my fingers curling around the fabric of my trousers. I let out a soft breath and lightly brush my hair, my eyes still fixated on my form in the mirror. Have I changed as much as Daehyun did? Or am I still the overweight, clumsy boy from three years ago?

This year, I think I've become the happiest person in the world. He knows me now! Can you believe it?

What I've been feeling for the past several hours can't really be put into words. It's mostly numbness with the usual chiding of me never, never to get my hopes up, yet my heart has been b in my throat ever since I looked at that boy in the photo.

Could it really be him? It seems ridiculous to think that boy from so long ago is the boy I've grown to love in seven, no, six months. We met in February this year, and I never expected anything more from those words I first said to him. I can barely remember what they were, except that I thought I'd never talk to him again.

It's absurd if Daehyun is really that soft-spoken freshman who I thought ditched me because he hated me. How could I have gotten his name wrong? I distinctly remember Jaebum asking me about it; that boy's name was definitely Taeyeon. Himchan even laughed about it. Was it because he spoke too softly that I misheard or are they simply just different people who my mind is mixing up?

My heart is thumping so hard I feel nauseous. I want to know. I need to know. If Daehyun truly is that boy, why didn't he show up the days after we met? I waited for him more than once, if I remember correctly. I was afraid he got lost till Jaebum gingerly said maybe that boy simply wasn't interested in being friends.

I knew who Youngjae was in our first year, but we only made friends this year.

If he really is that boy, why didn't he tell me? There's so many holes here and there. Daehyun said this year he always wanted to be my friend, so was it because of what happened in freshman year? Would he really cling on to that one incident for so long? Did something happen and that was why he didn't show up?

My shoulders fall and I prod at my flabby cheek, averting my gaze. If that boy is Daehyun, that means he knows how I miraculously look uglier than now back in our first year.

How did you get to know him?

On the train to school in our freshman year. His closest friend ended up being my good friend.

Jaebum... I honestly never considered that prospect... Maybe I did, but I never let myself think anymore of it besides the fact that it was utter rubbish. All this time, I've only ever told myself there was no way it could be me till my feelings changed and I started to hope.

Am I warping things as always? That boy... If it really is Daehyun, he's changed a lot. He used to be smaller than me. I remember because I kept having to crouch down to hear him properly. He's grown into a man.

The thought incites a soft chuckle from me as I shut my eyes tiredly, Daehyun's silhouette still drawn out on the back of my eyelids. I tug over Dae and poke its nose, recalling that day Daehyun had stayed over after his basketball game and I'd while he slept. The way he had gazed into my eyes and pleaded with me to eat... I'd felt so loved that all he fed me went down my throat without an inch of loathing.

The reasons I came up with were always rehashed. Daehyun's generous, so he offers to pay for just about everything I purchase in his presence. Daehyun's kind, so he spares a person like me compliments that should only be for his lover. Daehyun's sweet, so he worries for my safety and walks me home every time we're together. Even for the first time we met this year, he walked me all the way back and I only realised later that he lived the opposite way.

Yeah, that time... I thought he was crazy nice when I found out because I had never even considered he would like a boy. Daehyun's kind and all but no one would go out of their way to walk someone all the way home right after they've met, especially when it's a boy, right? I could excuse the times now where he walks me home as simply wanting to talk to me more but that time, we'd barely managed a few words to each other before a hefty pause would take over the conversation.

All those times he held me and I chided myself for feeling tense at the intimacy, when he bought me those extravagant gifts—was I mistaken?

He was my first friend. I was lost and he helped me.

That boy, Taeyeon, was going the wrong way. I found him out of the crowd and so I stopped him. He said he didn't have any friends because he was quiet and I said we should be friends.

If it's Daehyun... I wonder if he ever imagined he'd become so popular. He's taller and bigger than me, but he's still quiet like before.

I place a hand over my chest and even out my breathing, trying to soothe the heat pricking at my cheeks. It feels like every part of my body is engulfed with fire.

If Daehyun really liked me all this time, why didn't he just tell me? All these months we've been together, why didn't he just tell me straight? It doesn't make sense, right? Why would he be afraid of confessing to someone like me? Especially when I've been supporting him all this while. He's always spoken to me about his crush as a third person and never directly told me that I could be him. 

Why wouldn't he have told me right away?

Himchan's words from yesterday simmer into my thoughts. Everyone... gets scared. Even Himchan, even Jaebum, even... Daehyun. I myself could have asked him directly who he liked. At first, I didn't want to intrude on Daehyun's personal secrets, but steadily, I became scared of knowing. I wanted it to be Taemin when I realised there was a possibility of Daehyun liking me because I could not bring myself to comprehend why Daehyun would ever like me. Then, stupid me changed my mind and decided not to think about it because I grew to dislike imagining Daehyun with another.

I fret for a long while before sitting up, crawling over to my phone once more. I wanted to call Daehyun about it but I didn't want to bother him since he'll be performing today. Even though I reasoned the phone call would take just a few minutes, I kept making up more and more excuses not to call him, assuring myself I was just thinking too much. I'd get embarrassed if it wasn't me. I'd be humiliated. Daehyun would think I'm crazy. Even if Taeyeon is Daehyun and I misheard all those years ago, it doesn't mean it could be me.

I'm afraid. My heart is pounding so hard that my hands are trembling. This—this is what hope feels like. That tightrope I've always hated walking on because it always gives you that nauseous adrenaline I never could differentiate whether it was excitement or fear. It's strung higher and higher when my expectations grow, and I've rarely had the opportunity to revel in just what it felt like crossing over without falling hard onto the reality of things.

Daehyun's brave. I've said this before but he is so, so brave to love someone and get hurt all over again. He suffered for so long and I'm here, scared to even confront him about it.

It can't be me. It can't be me. It can't be me so I should just drop it.

The stylus Daehyun bought for me is sitting on my desk and I roll over, squeezing Dae tight and leaning back to peer at the bear's innocent expression.

...No, I have to ask him. Even if I'm afraid... I want to know. I can't keep wallowing in all these thoughts when I know only Daehyun has the answer.

I'm tired of avoiding him. I'm being so selfish, trying to protect myself from getting hurt and instead hurting Daehyun. I'm desperate to keep our friendship and I've told myself like an idiot that once I get my feelings out of the way, we can be friends again. We're almost inseparable despite being in different classes; how have I managed to blindly comfort myself, saying Daehyun wouldn't notice or that he wouldn't care? Anyone would be sad to be shunned.

I can't keep doing this to Daehyun. We haven't talked in so long. He's only ever been so sweet to me and I'm hurting him for my own stupid fears. A poignant sadness crawls over my back and I inch off the bed. 

I've done enough thinking. I'll ask him after Beacon is over. For now... Daehyun needs to focus on the competition.

I pace over to the kitchen, taking the iced honey tea out of the refrigerator and slipping it into a bag. I made this for Daehyun to drink so it'll help soothe his throat before and after his performance. I bought him a small duck plushie and assorted chocolates as well, the striped box embarrassingly with a large red heart sticker on the top. It's a custom across schools to buy things to celebrate for our friends performing so I bet Daehyun will receive a lot of presents.

The house is lonesomely silent. My parents are visiting my grandfather so they'll only return late at night. Putting on my orange beanie, I head out to meet Himchan and Jongup. I push away the hassling thoughts as we walk towards our school, Himchan with each arm wound around our shoulders. Once more, the insecurities grapple with me and I ask myself if it's a better idea to just leave it, since Daehyun has already said he'll confess soon. It was the same in the afternoon—this pendulum of swinging back and forth, wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

I said I would ask him after the competition is over, so I will. I'm not going to back out.

"You alright?" Himchan questions in consternation, turning over to me as we enter the school, other students similarly dressed in smart casual attire clustered here and there.

"Yeah," I breathe, loosening my clutch on Daehyun's gift. Night paints the school in such a different manner, velvet blue blurring all the sharp angles and steep pillars.

Questions aside, I can't wait to watch Daehyun's performance. Thinking about him inviting me still even though I was already going always makes me smile. It was so long ago that he gave me the three hints in exchange for three dates. The first one, he used it during our break. This is the second one. I hope we'll get to use our third one someday, but now that we're such close friends, it's rather redundant.

Himchan, Jongup and I enter the auditorium, some students already seated. It's about thirty minutes before the show starts and most of the people here are talking to some of the contestants, having come early to support them.

"Where are you supposed to sit?" Jongup tugs on my sleeve while Himchan waves to several people, us pacing past the first row with reserved placards on the cushion. It's rather chilly in here.

"I'm not sure," I return, scouring around for both Chanhee and Daehyun. Seeing Junhee on stage trying to adjust the microphone, I wave to her sheepishly and she flashes me a small simper.

"Hey, do you know where Chanhee is?" I ask, glimpsing around. 

She gestures to the back and answers, "He's in there sorting out- oh, there he is." Chanhee paces out at this instant with a clipboard in hand, brows furrowed as he scribbles on it. He glimpses up at Junhee and almost speaks when he notices me.

"Youngjae, my darling!" Chanhee cajoles, waving excitedly to me. "You're here early."

"Hi, Chanhee. I was wondering where I'll be sitting," I reply with a chuckle, looking to Jongup loitering at one corner while typing on his phone. Himchan is long gone, having been pulled away to one of the clusters.

"Oh, right!" He counts the number of seats before pointing at the right wing. "Third seat from the left. I'll be right beside you. Minseok-hyung will be on your other side. Do you know him?"

I shake my head and he waves casually, remarking, "He's a really nice senior, so don't worry." He turns to Junhee and taps his pen against the clipboard. "Is Daehyun's soundtrack working?"

My ears immediately perk. Junhee provides, "Yeah. I've already queued the new disc and given him back his old one. "

"Ah, okay," Chanhee says distractedly as he notes it down. "Can't wait to hear the melody. The backing piano music he recorded sounded really good."

"Mm, it is," Junhee hums, fiddling with the microphone stand before contentedly placing it down. She looks to me and mentions warmly, "You must be excited to see Daehyun perform."

"Yeah, I am. He sings really well," I breathe, fingers clasping on my bag. "What's Daehyun singing?"

"It's a self-composition; I can't remember what it's called," Junhee broods in deep thought.

"Found You," Chanhee fills in, clicking his pen in satisfaction. "Are you looking for Daehyun, Youngjae? I think he's backstage with his friends."

"Oh, okay. Thanks," I wheeze, bidding the two goodbye and ambling back to Jongup. I point out where my seat is and he settles in the row right behind me, offering to take care of my backpack while I go backstage.

Slipping down the corridor, I squeeze past several groups of people, waving to Hayi when I spot her with her parents at the far end. Nervousness trails up my skin as my gaze breezes past numerous people, finally landing on a familiar face. 

Yongguk is standing by the curtains with several other boys