April, the Ambiguous and Sweet Tempers  (i)
(double update, 44 & 45)

Things seem to just be getting worse and worse for Himchan and me. After that incident, besides a short message that he’s fine and that we’ll talk some other day, Himchan hasn’t bothered to contact me at all.

Jongup called me that night. He asked if I was feeling okay and I could clearly tell Himchan had told him to ring me up to check on me. Jongup didn’t say much and we talked about school, but the moment I tried to broach the topic of Himchan, he promptly excused himself.

I kind of wonder if letting him go was the right thing. If I’d chased after him that day, if I hadn’t let him leave, would we have finally broken out of this stupid cycle? Would we have reached a point where there was no turning back?

It’s exhausting to think about it. Sometimes, it feels as if there’s really no solution, and it’s just better to keep doing this again and again, no matter how frustrating it is. If Himchan really is… homophobic, it’s either he budges on his stance or I do. If we sweep it under the rug, we won’t have to reach a final confrontation, which I doubt will resolve matters.

I can’t take back what I said that day to him, not when Daehyun’s shown me exactly how love thrives in any form. I won’t be able to live with the guilt, let alone look Daehyun in the eyes, if I retract my words and say I don’t believe someone is allowed to love someone of the same gender as them. That’s just like saying Daehyun has no right to love the boy he loves, when he loves him with so much of his heart.

Himchan, on the other hand, seems to be extremely irked by the whole thing. He says it isn’t because he’s disgusted, but what else can I think of his reactions? His accusations, his avoidance, the way he recoils from me like I’m diseased...

It honestly hurts to think about it, when our friendship has lasted for three long years. If we’re going to keep this friendship afloat, we’ll have to keep walking in circles, won’t we? Pretending there’s nothing wrong and pray that time will fix things on its own.

I just hope it does. I really hope so.

There’s not just Himchan to worry about, but the publishing team as well. Younha has been saying it may not have been the best idea to agree to collaborate with the drama club, considering our differences and that we’re both autonomous student bodies, but I still think she’d made the right decision. We lack manpower and publicity (ironically), and very few of us are high profile students. I can only think of Sungjae who is popular amongst his sophomore schoolmates.

On a brighter note, Daehyun’s birthday is coming. I’ve been making a list of things he may want for his birthday over the weekend. I came up with some pretty lame gifts like sketchbooks, a shading pencil set, headphones, but I just can’t seem to find the right one. Not to mention, I’m constrained by my pathetic budget. I can’t even repay half of what Daehyun’s presents are worth. I’ve been sticking to just white bread over the weekend but it’s not helping my finances that much.

Daehyun… Daehyun said that he wanted to spend his birthday with me. I can’t disappoint him. He gave up so many of his cooler and much more fun friends for a day with boring old me. A part of me wonders if I’m being silly and that Daehyun just said it on a whim. Perhaps he said it in the heat of the moment and that actually, he’s going out to celebrate with his basketball team or his other friends. But still… It’s better to be safe than sorry, right?

I want to ask him to confirm, but I’m too embarrassed to. I might put him in a spot if he’d really just said it without much thought. Daehyun would be the type to agree just to save me some face, even though he’d already made plans with his clique.

Though, there’s one thing I know Daehyun wants more than anything else. And if my hunch is correct, I may just be able to put a smile on Daehyun’s face for his birthday.

I gently rap my fingers against the table, peering out into the hallway. I ended classes half an hour ago but I’m waiting for Daehyun to come. I felt a bit awkward and embarrassed to ask him to have lunch with me today. We only ever have meals together on the days we have literature, or by coincidence.

I’m worried I might have stolen him away from his friends. But a matchmaker’s got to do what a matchmaker’s got to do, right?

The game plan for today is just to catch both of them at the same time. I manage to snag Taemin’s timetable through my old classmate Seungyoon, who thought I was trying to hit on some of his class girls. Honestly, I did feel like some sort of a criminal when I did that.

Obtaining Daehyun’s timetable was much easier though again, it was a bit embarrassing... Gosh, what if I seem clingy?

Continuing, I matched up their timetables and found Taemin ends half an hour after Daehyun today. He usually drops by his locker after school to place back his books, since I often see him after classes by the lockers. All I have to do is to get Daehyun to wait till then and bring him over.

“Youngjae!”

I perk up, Daehyun’s low voice reverberating through the corridors. A few students turn their head to glance at the boy jogging up to me. I meekly beam at Daehyun, waving lightly.

“Hey, Daehyun,” I greet. “I didn’t expect you to come so early.”

Daehyun churns out a broad grin, in the midst of catching his breath. I question in concern, “Are you okay?”

It’s barely been three minutes since the bell rang, when Daehyun should have been released from class. We study on the highest floor of the building too. Did he run here?

“Yeah,” Daehyun easily answers, absentmindedly cupping his cheek. He simply smiles back, eyes crinkling at the side and drawing wrinkles up his cheeks. The hair on my arms bristle and I turn away, lugging my bag over.

“You’re free this afternoon, right?” I confirm, afraid of a repeat of our first project meeting. To think of it, we’ve really come so far, haven’t we?

Daehyun nods confidently and places his bag down on the bench, settling down opposite me. “Yeah.” He melts into another glistening smile, light b in his irises.

“You seem really happy today,” I chuckle, Daehyun’s joyful countenance brewing a tender warmth in my tummy. “Did something good happen? You topped the class or…”

Daehyun deliquesces into a deep laugh and shakes his head, persisting in his giddy, charming smile. I purse my lips as I ransack through my bag, thinking harder.

“Oh right! I bet you must have walked through the halls feeling like a king today, huh? Star player Jung Daehyun,” I tease, discreetly pulling out a small container from my backpack. “Everyone in my class was talking about you today. They’re calling you the three-pointer hero.”

“Oh,” Daehyun hums, seemingly unaffected by the news as he touches his face. His grin lingers and the warmth seeps into my skin, dancing to the tip of my fingers.

“Just oh?” I puff amusedly. “Or something even better happened?”

Daehyun averts his gaze, studying the wooden table for a short moment before lifting his head once again. “We don’t have literature today.”

I flutter my lashes in surprise. “I didn’t know you didn’t like literature,” I utter. I mean, I should have guessed it, considering how much Park-songsaengnim used to pick on Daehyun. Days with literature are my favourite, because… well, I’ll get to see Daehyun for that day. Those are the only days I know for sure I’ll meet Daehyun. Other than that, we don't meet outside of classes.

Daehyun shakes his head and lets out a quiet breath, lips still quirked like they’d never lose the energy to smile. “It’s nothing.”

“You’re not going to tell me?” I pout, secretly fiddling with the box underneath the table. I’ve made lunch for Daehyun on many occasions, so why am I feeling nervous about whether he’ll like it?

Daehyun dissolves into another bout of cryptic chuckles. He hums a little, adding to the jubilant air crowding him, and says quietly, “...Thanks for asking me to eat lunch with you.”

I glance back at Daehyun, unsure of what to say as heat begins to tickle my cheeks. It takes a second for me to churn out a chuckle and reply, “Silly, why are you thanking me? I should be thanking you.”

I gingerly haul up the lunchbox onto the table and prod it over. “I made this for you.”

“For me?” Daehyun echoes, his irises lighting up with a genial glow. He glances to me with an absolutely toothy smile, cautiously prying open the box. Daehyun stares at the raspberry cheesecake sitting in the first compartment, parting his lips like he’d won the lottery. Gosh, he’s so adorable.

Daehyun removes the top layer and gapes at the English breakfast sitting at the bottom. He glimpses back to me and I massage my elbow, cheeks tingling once more.

“Thank you,” Daehyun exhales, his smile growing wider and revealing his white teeth. He cutely pats his tummy and laughs lightly, still staring at the food I’d made like he’d been given gold. “Thank you so much, Youngjae. Really.”

“It’s nothing. I’m sorry you had to celebrate your big day like… that,” I answer. “I’m hoping this makes up a bit for it.”

“Like what?” Daehyun returns, gazing down at his meal with a thousand-watt luminance in his eyes. He flickers his eyes back up to me and simmers into a soft smile. “I loved it. Spending the night with you.”

I blink back at Daehyun and discomfort toils within my throat. I cough it away and glance at the wood trails running through the table, before something prods my lips lightly.

“You didn’t get lunch for yourself, did you?” Daehyun asks, tone lowered.

“Oh, it’s alright, Daehyun. I had a late recess so I’m not feeling really hungry now. I’ll go get something later,” I lie, assuring Daehyun with a small smile. Truthfully, I skipped recess, but I did eat breakfast, so that counts for something, right?

Daehyun promptly slips the cherry tomato between my lips, laughing into his fist as I blink back dumbly. He wolfs down the scrambled eggs and munches noisily, much to my amusement.

“So, how was today?” I cross my arms and rest them on the table, craning my neck slightly.

“...It’s going great,” Daehyun answers, poking at the hashbrowns. He extends a thumb and rubs his cheek in a circle. He looks so happy today; it’s really nice to see him like this.