Hope (i)
(double update, 42 & 43)

Daehyun furrows his brows and I notice his jaw locks, making me shrink back slightly. “I’m not trying to do anything. Youngjae’s my friend.” He looks straight into my eyes, earnestness entrenched deep within his irises.

“Wow, how lucky your friends must be.” I catch a drip of sarcasm in Himchan’s tone and look to him, nudging him under the table. He veers his head to me, eyebrows knitted. I return the frown, questioning him wordlessly.

"I'm just saying that what you're doing seems kind of fishy. Youngjae's pretty busy this year so if you need any help with designing or whatsoever, ask the other designers," Himchan suggests casually.

"I'm not asking for help. I do it because I want to," Daehyun replies firmly.

"Such a generous person," Himchan comments, though he barely looks impressed at all. What is Himchan trying to do? I don’t understand why he’s being unfriendly towards Daehyun. Since the moment we’ve sat together, he’s been unhappy. Is he really that upset that he couldn’t find me alone?

I guess he’s just trying to protect me... I can see why Himchan would be suspicious. It’s not that Daehyun's trying to use me—he wouldn't do something like this—but up till now, it still feels weird that someone like him wanted specifically to be my friend. I mean, what good can Daehyun get out of our friendship? I can’t give him anything.

Regardless of what Himchan suspects, he can’t treat Daehyun like this. He hasn’t done anything wrong. I apologetically glance to Daehyun before sending a stern look to Himchan, who simply turns away. I nudge him again, angling my head slightly towards Daehyun, and Himchan sighs.

“Ah, I’m sorry, Daehyun. I might have come off a bit too blunt. See, I’m Youngjae’s closest friend—have been for three years. I’m naturally protective. You’re a new face so I just had my guard up.”

Daehyun merely nods, leaving tension to linger in the air. I part my lips to speak, hoping to soothe the strange turbulence in the atmosphere, but Himchan beats me to it.

“Hey, that’s right—Hyosung asked you to design the posters for Romea and Juliet, didn’t she?” Himchan wears a smirk as he elbows me, snickering, “You must have been really happy.”

“What are you talking about, hyung?” I mutter, squirming in my seat as nervousness brews within my guts. No, Himchan wouldn’t be so stupid to talk about my crush on Hyosung in front of Daehyun. He’s always teased me about it but he’s kept it a secret all these years.

“What do you mean what am I talking about?” Himchan snorts, elbowing me harder in the arm. “Lover boy. You must have been absolutely smitten.”

I widen my eyes and nudge Himchan frantically under the table, boring my eyes furiously through his head. “What are you talking about, hyung,” I breathe tautly through my teeth, warning him implicitly. God, this idiot…

Himchan persists in his cheeky smile and beams, “Don’t be shy! It's because you're always holding back that you two haven't gotten together yet. Just confess already!”

“Hyung!” I exclaim in annoyance, embarrassment flushing through me as I bite the walls of my cheek. “You know I don’t like her anymore,” I breathe, glimpsing to Daehyun to find he’s staring at me with a queer expression. The embarrassment doubles and I glare at Himchan.

“Liar. I know you best,” Himchan teases. “Ah, right, Daehyun doesn’t know, does he? Sorry, I forgot it's a secret between just us.”

I irritatedly send him a glower. “I really don’t like her anymore,” I mutter loud enough for both Daehyun and Himchan to hear, glancing again to the boy on my left. Daehyun remains quiet, seemingly having zoned out of our conversation. Crap, I hope Daehyun doesn’t misunderstand.

“Yeah, yeah. I believe you,” Himchan returns, igniting more exasperation in me.

“Hyosung-noona’s just a friend,” I state firmly, throwing a look at Himchan. He knows how much this secret means to me—it's sounds stupid but if anyone finds out someone like me likes Hyosung, I'd be considered a joke. Me, some no name junior who can't even pass off as a nerd because I'm not smart, likes Hyosung, one of the most hailed girls in our school.

I huff to myself and lean back into the chair. I shouldn’t get worked up; it’s not a big deal if Daehyun knows or not since I know he'll keep the secret for me. Still…

“I bet you must have been over the moon during her performance,” Himchan whistles. “That’s right; I never got to ask you. Who did you go with? Was it Jaebum? Or Donggeun-”

“He went with me.”

Daehyun’s voice intercepts Himchan’s words and I turn to find a staunch look etched into his chiselled features, lips pulled into a thin line. Himchan halts and glances to Daehyun before smiling amiably, saying, “Ah, that’s good. I’m glad Youngjae found someone to replace me. I couldn’t make it so I was worried he wouldn’t find someone to go with.”

“Just you two, huh?” Himchan questions. “I thought the basketball team usually goes for school events together. That’s what Minho told me, anyway.”

I flicker my eyes up to Himchan and provide, “Yongguk-hyung, Daehyun and I went together.”

“Oh, so it was the three of you, not you two alone,” Himchan replies, reclining into his chair as he slurps at his drink.

“Yongguk-hyung left halfway,” Daehyun utters, leaving a stretched pause in the air.

“Oh, he did? Why?” Himchan poses. “Must have been boring. This is why I didn’t want to go, Youngjae.”

But he didn’t want to come because we were fighting…

“It was fun,” Daehyun answers in my stead. “Youngjae enjoyed the play.”

“Of course he did. Hyosung was there,” Himchan fills in.

Frustrated, I retort, “Hyung! I said I don’t like her anymore. She’s just a friend.” Why does he keep pressing the topic? I've told him already I didn't like her so I don't know what he's telling this to Daehyun for. Himchan meets my eyes and I drill my glare through him, crossly pursing my lips.

“Alright, I’ll stop teasing you,” Himchan concedes, before he notes, “Anyway, you came back really late—it was close to midnight when I called you, wasn’t it? You must have taken the train home, huh?”

Himchan heaves and points out, “It’s unsafe. I wished I’d gone with you, so you’d at least have a ride back.”

“We flagged a taxi,” Daehyun again replies for me. I curl a little back into my chair, observing the two with an eccentric discomfort within my throat. It seems a little like they’re just talking between themselves, and there’s that trail of antagonism I can weave out from how they’re staring at each other.

Man, if I’d known this would have happened, I’d have sat with Himchan alone. I never expected him to be this unfriendly towards Daehyun. I don’t understand why he’s acting this way, when he’s always so nice and cordial with everyone. I get he’s trying to protect me but Himchan’s rarely ever rude to strangers, being the people person he is.

“And Youngjae still came back so late,” Himchan counters.

“We went to the park for a while,” Daehyun grunts.

“For what?” Himchan snorts. “A romantic date? It’s dangerous for Youngjae to be out so late.”

“I walked him home afterwards,” Daehyun mutters.

“You walked him home?” Himchan repeats, crossing his legs and narrowing his eyes just the slightest. There's a edge of incredulity to his syllables.

“I always do,” Daehyun returns without missing a beat.

“Always? What do you mean by that?” Himchan questions with a chuckle, tone dropping an octave.

“Every time we go out, or if we leave school together, I walk him home,” Daehyun plainly states. Himchan inclines forward and his head one side. “And why do you need to do that?”

“We stay out till pretty late,” Daehyun rebounds.

"To the point you have to walk him home?" Himchan snorts, his previous thin layer of cordiality completely shattering. "Is Youngjae your girlfriend?"

"He's my friend. I worry for him," Daehyun replies curtly.

"Why not you let Youngjae go home early instead of making him stay out till some ungodly hour?" Himchan muses, one brow haughtily arched.

"I can't help it if we like each other."

Silence toils for a moment and I fidget, the strain in my throat growing utterly enormous. Himchan's eyes are practically slits right now and Daehyun's jaw is visibly clenched.

“Um-” I stop short when the two boys snap their heads towards me, losing my words for a moment.

“Ah, hey, next Tuesday’s the career fair, isn’t it!” I blabber, grinning for the sake of it. “Oh, I’m really excited. Last year, the SUC booth gave out these free stylus pens. They worked really well on my tablet, and they were ballpoint pens too! It’s so cool.”

"You know? The silver ones? With the black top?" I gesture slightly. The two of them quizzically gaze at me as my smile slowly drips from my lips, awkwardness permeating the air.

"Ah, I think you guys must have missed it. I'll grab one for each of you this year. Um, if they're still giving it out. If they're giving it out this year."

Daehyun finally melts into a soft chuckle as Himchan snorts in amusement, prodding me gently on the forehead. “Stupid.”

"I'm not stupid," I protest, only for Himchan to poke me once more and pull away with an amused eye roll. "The stylus pen is really cool," I mumble.

“Which one are you using now, then?” Daehyun teases, timbre dipped in a charming rasp. Both of them seem more at ease though the shadows of their scowls still linger in their wrinkles—but it's enough to spread some relief through me.

“Yours, of course,” I bubble. “I can’t put it down, ever. My parents say I’m addicted; That’s how much I love it.”

Daehyun’s lips curl into a tender smile and he hums, “I’d like to see what you’ve drawn. It must be pretty.”

“It’s not,” I brush off, averting my gaze when I meet Daehyun’s eyes. I never noticed how deep his irises were, and how cloudy they looked. They look like if you fell into them, you’d never be able to climb back out.

“What stylus?” Himchan inquires, words a little sharp. I barely notice the hostility that has returned to claim its place in Himchan’s countenance.

“Daehyun bought me a stylus for my birthday,” I chime. “You know the one I showed you, hyung? The one for the 53 drawing app?”

“He got you that?” Himchan exhales, shock lighting his eyes. I nod sheepishly, playing a little with my fingers. “I’ll show you one day, hyung. It’s amazing. I absolutely love it.”

A quietness settles around us that broaches the tension at hand softly, and I almost believe it's all been assuaged away. That is, till Himchan raps his fingers against the table and he scoffs brashly.

"Must be nice to be rich,” Himchan remarks nonchalantly, evidently disdainful. “And all I could get was that lousy ice cream cake.”

Himchan continues demeaningly, “It must have been quick, huh? Just grab one off the shelves and swipe out your credit card. Do you do this for girls too?”

“Hyung,” I chide, Himchan’s brash words lingering in the air.

"I'm just saying the truth," Himchan retorts nonchalantly. "Guys like him string girls along all the time. Haven’t you seen his little fanclub?"

"What?" I reply, startled. Daehyun looks equally as taken aback by Himchan's harsh words. "Hyung, that's not true," I defend.

"How would you know?" Himchan rebounds. The scowl on his face only seems to aggravate. "You've only just met him this year."

"Daehyun's not that kind of person," I press. In all my years, I've never seen someone who loved more sincerely than Daehyun. How can Himchan just say these kind of things?

Himchan barely acknowledges my words and I breathe in a hushed voice, "Hyung, why are you acting like this?"

“I’m not acting like anything,” Himchan mutters back, yet his glare fixated on Daehyun does not veer. The tense silence nearly chokes me and I tug on Himchan’s sleeve, but he does not budge. Oh god, this is becoming a mess. I have to talk to Himchan alone before this escalates any further. What’s going on with him today?

“You seem to have a problem with me.” Daehyun slants his head one side, glower matching Himchan’s.

“You noticed,” Himchan returns with a sardonic smile. I nudge him again and plead in a quick breath, “Himchan-hyung, knock it off. Let’s go back to studying.”

Himchan stares at me for a moment, expression sullen, before I catch that split moment twitch and he veers his gaze back to Daehyun. “You know what?” Himchan tilts his head and folds his arms. “I’m just going to put it plainly. I find it really hard to believe you're doing all of this just out of friendship, Daehyun."

"Hyung," I whisper, placing a hand over Himchan's wrist. "Daehyun isn't trying to get anything out of me. Come on, let’s study."

"He isn’t? Then why is he treating you like this?" Himchan interrogates. “Buying you drinks, getting you expensive gifts? What about those flowers he got you?”

“I do it because I like Youngjae, as a friend,” Daehyun cuts in swiftly, his eyes narrowing.

“You must like him a whole damn lot, then,” Himchan snorts.

“Hyung, let’s talk outside,” I urge in a louder voice, pulling at Himchan’s wrist.

“I’m just trying to protect you,” Himchan rebounds almost immediately. “Can’t you see he has a motive?”

“What are you talking about? I’m not a child, hyung. I don’t need to be protected,” I chuckle nervously and move to get up. “Daehyun doesn’t want anything from me. Come on, let’s go outside and talk.”

Himchan grunts, “Youngjae-”

“Protect?” Daehyun suddenly scoffs, indignation slicing the air into half.

"I think I do a better job of protecting him than you do."

The atmosphere goes completely still despite the murmurs still b around us and my breath hitches in my throat. I’ve never seen Daehyun be this bold before; there’s not an ounce of a remorse in his expression at all. Great, why do I always stir up so much trouble?

“Oh?” Himchan laughs, craning his neck with a derisive smile. “And where’d you get that idea from?”

“I may not be the best person out there, but at least I don’t force Youngjae to do the things he doesn’t want to do.” Daehyun leans forward and maintains strict eye contact.

“And you’re saying I do?” Their conversation is just like a tennis ball thrown against the wall, bouncing back and forth without even a moment’s hesitation. Daehyun gives no reply, insinuation clear in the air.

“Listen, Daehyun,” Himchan sighs, lofty voice with a stark incense entrenched within. “I don’t think you know this but I’ve been with Youngjae for nearly three years. You just got to know him. So I’d appreciate if you don’t act like you’ve been there for him since forever.”

Himchan seems utterly satisfied with his response as Daehyun does not conjure up a comeback. I forcefully grab Himchan and interject before Daehyun can hit another rebound, “Let’s talk outside. Now.”

Himchan complies, letting me haul him out of his seat… that is, until Daehyun retaliates.

“Three years and you don’t even know how not to make him cry?”

Himchan stops short. He snaps his head towards Daehyun and glares him down with sheer resentment.

“Care to elaborate?” Himchan grits. Daehyun shoots up to balance the playing field and they level their glares, curious onlookers starting to look at us.

“Please, guys. Stop,” I breathe in exasperation. Daehyun and I lock eyes and I catch the flash of guilt across his eyes, before they harden resolutely.

“I’d love to, but I think you already know why,” Daehyun seethes, turning back to Himchan. “I’m glad you didn’t come with us for the play. I wouldn't want Youngjae to cry more.”

Himchan stills and his eyes flicker to me for a moment. He growls, "That's not your business."

"It is. You're not Youngjae's only friend," Daehyun hits back.

Himchan grinds his teeth together and glances to me again before snarling, “Make me seem like the bad guy, huh? You’re really goddamn something, Daehyun.”

I catch his hand balling into a tight fist. Not good. I shove the two of them apart and raise my voice, “Stop it, you two. Are you guys really going to be like this in public?”

Daehyun looks to me but I turn away, firmly glaring at Himchan. “Hyung, why are you being like this?”

“Oh, so it’s my fault,” Himchan suddenly snaps, slamming his hand onto the table. "He's a complete saint, isn't he?"

“You know what?” He shrugs exaggeratedly and wrenches his bag over, sweeping all his paraphernalia in and swinging his backpack over his shoulder. “I’ll just leave you guys to your cute little date. My bad for f**king intruding.”

Himchan abruptly storms towards the door and I hastily chase after him as he trudges out. “Hyung!” I barrel past the glass door, seeing some customers gossiping in my periphery. I grab Himchan’s arm and lug him back before he can go any further.

“Hyung, seriously! What’s gotten into you?”

“Why don’t you ask him that?” Himchan yells back, too caught up in his wrath to even bother about his image. The pedestrains weave cautiously past us as I heave, “Hyung, you’ve been nothing short of antagonistic towards Daehyun since you came. What’s going on between you two?”

“Yeah, it’s totally my problem. Side with him, why not,” Himchan sarcastically snaps.

“I’m not siding with Daehyun,” I argue, earning a roll of the eyes from Himchan.

“Sure, because asking me to go out and talk isn't siding with him at all,” Himchan counters.

“You were acting weird!” I splutter. “We were having a normal conversation and you suddenly brought in stuff like Hyosung-noona and saying Daehyun wants something out of me! And you know I don’t like Hyosung-noona anymore!”

“That’s because he obviously does want something out of you!” Himchan shouts, drawing more attention to us. “Youngjae, you know how much that goddamn stylus pen costs. I tried to buy it for you but I couldn’t fork out enough, and he just goes and buys the whole damn thing for you?”

Hearing Himchan’s words, I hesitantly pause, trying to churn out an excuse. Himchan instantly jumps on the opportunity. “See? He bought for you a drink and you didn’t even have to ask him, Youngjae! And he treats you as if you'd break any moment. Are you seriously telling me he doesn’t want anything out of you?”

“Can’t… can’t someone be my friend just because!?” I retort, reluctant to admit the truth behind Himchan’s words. I know Daehyun would never manipulate me, but… there’s no doubt Daehyun’s done so many extravagant things for me. If Himchan knew just the entire list of the favours Daehyun have done for me, he’d go berserk.

“What? Damn it, Youngjae, I didn’t mean it that way!” Himchan barks, holding his forehead and yelling in agitation.

“Then what way did you mean it!” I blurt, a part of me just screaming back for the sake of it. I get Himchan’s just being protective, but Daehyun wouldn’t want to extort me. I’ve got nothing to give him. 

Then, why is he treating me this way?

Himchan clutches a fistful of his hair and grunts in vexation, looking the other way. We seem to reach an impasse, the fervor between us finally dying out into a wary sense of composure. Himchan finally turns back to look at me with careful, narrowed eyes.

“Do you really not see it?” Himchan grits.

“See what?” I question in incredulity. Himchan struggles with his words for a moment, anguish lacing his pants.

“...Just… The way he looks at you,” He finally hurls out, jugular vein manifesting prominently across his neck. “Do you seriously not notice it? At all?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I grouse. Himchan tightens his grip on his hair and yells, “The way he looks at you, Youngjae! The way he goddamn looks at you like… like… ”

I thin my lips as Himchan’s words trail off, hint of something taboo lingering in his unsaid, constrained words. He looks absolutely tormented, almost as though it pains him to just say it.

“So, this is what it’s about?” I huff, rolling my eyes. “I should have known.”

“It’s not, Youngjae,” Himchan interjects sharply, a bit of frenzy engraved into his tone.

“What, so even my friends are hauled in now?” I bite, stepping away from Himchan. “Because we’re all freaks, right?”

“I didn’t say that!” Himchan aruges vehemently, exacerbation written all over his face. “God, why do we always