Petty Fights, Gloomy Nights and 'Mine' (i)
(double update, 55 & 56)

Over the weekend, Himchan and I caught up while we were on our study date. My jaw practically came loose at the sight of how thick his preliminary papers package was. He had to finish half of it in just one month and that's only for Math. 

It seems like things are really back to normal between us. Himchan's back to his usual cheery self, spouting the weirdest accounts ever. He told me he was panicking the day before because he claims his thighs are too huge since he couldn't fall into the toilet with the lid up.

Though I can tell Himchan's tired, he seems a lot happier. He's also returned to being really touchy, too. I don't think he's squeezed my cheeks more times than he did last Sunday.

Things are going well with our campaign too. We took idea here and there and it's coming together really well. Younha said something that stuck with me for the whole weekend: that we should spread love instead of thinking of it as some hateful protest. We're doing this campaign for the things we love, she said, not because we're trying to rebel or retaliate in antagonism.

It made me respect her a lot. I think some of us probably saw what we were doing in a more hostile manner, that we were trying to start an uprising of sorts to disrupt the normality of things. For some of the drama club members and publishing team members, they're reluctant to participate and I can understand why. But for us who hold these things closer to our heart, we want to protect it, not cause a ruckus as payback.

I claps my notebook shut, some of the campaign members having shuffled out for lunch. I've been jotting down in my notepad the finalised plan for Daehyun's birthday. First, we'll go to an escape room downtown. Afterwards, we'll head to this buffet nearby for an early lunch. When we're all sleepy from eating so much food, we'll go watch a movie together. If Daehyun wants, we can go to another restaurant for dinner; else, we'll get some street food, go for a walk downtown and admire the lights they've put up along the long stretch of road.

It might seem like a lot to fork out but I really don't mind. Daehyun spoils me all the time. I want this day to be extra special for him.

"Hey, little squirt."

I put aside my notebook and flicker my eyes up to meet Heechul, the alumnus crossing his arms with his nose upturned.

"Let's eat lunch together." He gesticulates to the stream of students slipping out the door and expectantly taps his foot.

I just told Aaron moments ago I wasn't hungry. Still...

"Okay, hyung," I plop off the high table and grab my phone and wallet, tailing Heechul out. Truthfully, I've become less afraid of him. After sorting out my thoughts and thinking it through, he was ultimately helping me out.

As we pace down to the canteen behind the others, Aaron whipping his head back halfway and feigning offense with exaggeratedly widened nostrils, we saunter into the canteen bustling with students. Shoulders brush past mine swiftly along with fleeting apologies and I instinctively peer around, scrutinising the hustling throng. I wonder if Daehyun's here.

"Are you getting anything?" Heechul questions. I promptly shake my head, gesturing to an empty table and taking a seat there. Scouring around in a futile attempt to sieve out Daehyun's face in the masses, I exhale softly and prop up my cheek on one hand.

Maybe he hasn't been dismissed. Biting the inside of my cheek, I finger out my phone and open up my email, wanting to find Daehyun's class timetable when I abruptly halt. It's not like I have to know where he is all the time. Daehyun has a life beyond me.

Heechul clangs his tray down in front of me and thankfully, jolts me back to my senses. He regards me with a quizzical countenance before remarking, "You didn't eat the last time we ate together."

"I don't have much of an appetite, hyung," I say honestly, churning out an assuring smile. Several students snap their heads towards Heechul upon noticing his bob of stark orange hair, curiously ogling.

"Well, you should. You're all skin and bones," Heechul snorts, wolfing down his rice. I naturally part my lips to argue but decidedly keep quiet, pinching my fats on my forearm.

"You guys must be tired as hell, huh? Got schoolwork and this burdensome crap to handle." His huge eyes dart up to meet mine, brow raised.

"Yeah, the seniors look really beat. But I like what we're doing," I return, resting my arms over the table. Heechul his head one side.

"Are you that bored?" He questions in a blend of amusement and incredulity. "Or is this a new way for you to procrastinate?"

"No," I smother back a light laugh. "I think the cause is meaningful."

Heechul raises his gaze at his, still munching on his meal. "I thought you guys were just doing this to get your club reinstated."

Shaking my head lightly, I mention, "Hyung, it's unfair to you too. That people weren't happy with your article. You didn't mention anything else but the play." I twiddle my fingers under the table and try once again to pick out Daehyun from the crowd. Maybe he had an early dismissal.

Quietness drifts between Heechul and me amid the deafening multitude of conversations surrounding us. Heechul downs his milk tea and mentions, "You guys are a nice bunch. I know lots of you don't like the way I do things but surprisingly, you guys are still decent towards me."

He taps on my knuckle and drawls, "You especially. You're a nice kid."

"I'm not, hyung." Folding in my lips, I nearly snap my head upon seeing a familiar lock of black from far. It turns out to be Jinyoung, the junior I remember from the basketball team.

"Are you dating?" Heechul tosses out the sudden question. Shaking my head sheepishly, I return softly, "Are you, hyung?"

"Nah. Not interested in anyone at the moment." He raps his fingers against the table and questions, "You really don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?"

"I don't. But a lot of students are dating," I mention, embarrassedly laughing a little. "I'm kind of a loser."

Heechul clicks his tongue and states, "Some of the kids get into relationships just to look cool and whoop dee doo, they end up with herpes and a hundred other STDs. Don't rush it. I only got my first boyfriend when I was halfway through college."

"What was he like?" I inquisitively ask. Heechul flutters his lashes and spouts brazenly, "Annoying. Always fussing about his grandmother back home in Nanjing. Spoke the worst Korean ever. Still, he was a nice guy."

Heechul sighs quietly and continues with a low rasp, "You know, he was my first love. But I f**ked it up." A brittle nostalgia permeates his glassy irises and he says, "He was an exchange student so he needed to go home after a year. He said he'd visit whenever he could and move here once he finished college but I didn't think I was good enough for that, so I broke it off."

"You're strong, hyung. It must have been really painful," I murmur. 

"It's the regret that's the worst." Heechul heaves, tugging his lips to the side. Wistfulness clouds his expression and he locks eyes with me. "You've probably heard this a thousand times: if you don't love yourself first, it's hard to love someone else. But it's true."

"I was still struggling with my confidence at that time. I refused to let myself believe I was worth all the trouble so I thought he was just feeding me excuses. Distanced myself and ended up hurting not just me but him as well."

"Sometimes, you think you're being selfless, but in reality, you're just being selfish as f**k. Giving in to your insecurities and all." He reaches over and pats my head, a thin film of remorse wrapping his eyes. "Don't let yourself get in the way of yours and other people's happiness, twerp."

He swiftly grabs his plate and heads to the return shelves, leaving me staring after his upright figure and confident strides. 
His words bristle against the edge of my skin and I find myself involuntarily brooding on what he said. I never thought about it this way before. A crisp sense of sadness slumps over my shoulders as I gaze at Heechul, his face back to its usual nonchalance. Having a low self-esteem ruins a lot of things for us all.

We return back to the drama studio with the others, Aaron seizing the chance to knuckle me mercilessly on the head. Settling back on the ground, we resume our mini arts and craft session, Sungjae smearing glue all over his chin. For our side, we've come up with two simple plans. 

For the first one, we'll get two boys or two girls to hold hands while wearing white sandwich boards—one talking about what happened while the other is blank—and a heart accesory. They'll roam around the school while one of us will follow them with a stack of paper heart stickers and a bag of sweets. If they support our petition to reinstate both our clubs, they can sign on the paper hearts and stick them on the boards. We'll give them a sweet as thanks. It's a little plain but I think it's nice. 

The other one is giving free hugs. One person will stand near the entrance of the canteen with a huge board hung on the wall. It's about the same thing with the heart stickers except that you get a free hug as thanks. 

My phone vibrates in my bag and I tug it out of the mess of books. Immediately, a smile melts over my cheeks and I quickly excuse myself, picking up the call.

"Daehyun?"

"Youngjae," Daehyun's low voice crackles over the speaker, my fingers curling intuitively. "Are you still in school now?" 

"Mm. I'm working on the campaign now. What about you?" I ask softly, absentmindedly tapping a rhythm into the railings. 

"My class just ended. You're at the drama studio?" Daehyun questions, coughing slightly. His voice reminds me of mocha. "Can I come see you?"

"Sure," I chime. Daehyun hums in acknowledgement and says, "I'm coming up now. Wait, have you eaten lunch?"

"Mm. What about you?"

"I've eaten too," Daehyun returns, the background noise over the phone muffling his words just a bit. Even though Daehyun has already said he's coming up to meet me, surprisingly, none of us are making a move to end the call.

"What did you have?" I hum, drawing circles into the grey railings.

"I couldn't decide between curry rice and ramen so I got both," Daehyun shares, instantly inciting a warm laugh in my stomach.

"You can eat a lot, Daehyun," I point out in amusement. Precisely why the buffet will be perfect for him. I'm sure he can probably vacuum up a good half of what the restaurant offers.

"It's a habit," Daehyun chuckles. "I eat a lot when I'm upset... and when I'm happy, too."

"Wow," I snort, muffling back a silly la