Quiet (ii)

"Someone's calling you," Hongbin raises as I perk up, glancing to my phone on the desk. It's been vibrating for a while now and I've been purposely leaving it untouched, seeing as they've all been calls from the same person.

Mustering an uncomfortable smile, I wave it off lightly and grab my phone, grimacing at Daehyun's contact lighting up the screen. Once again, the guilt coils within my stomach but my embarrassment is enough to combat the inclination. I promptly poke aside my phone as Hongbin blinks at me, deciding not to pursue the matter.

Class has been released about fifteen minutes ago and I'm staying behind to finish up some homework. Since our literature teacher is on leave today, that saves me the humiliation of having to come face to face with Daehyun after what I did.

I'm crazy. I'm seriously out of my mind. Why in the world did I kiss Daehyun? I've just sent our friendship straight down into the depths of awkwardness.

I plop my forehead onto my arm and moan softly to myself, wincing when someone knuckles my head. "Woah, don't do it here. Bathroom's next door, Youngjae," Chanshik snickers, leaving me to bundle up even more.

I hate this. I hate myself for being such an idiot. What was I thinking? Even if I like Daehyun, it doesn't mean I can just kiss him out of nowhere. On his birthday, too.

I can't ever face him again.

Slumping against the desk, I blankly stare at my pencil case, several students shuffling by my desk every now and then. There's been a hefty, crushing weight sitting on my shoulders ever since I came to the conclusion that I've... somehow developed a crush on Daehyun.

When did it start? I've been up all night trying to piece together my thoughts and feelings but everything seems like a mess. I never expected myself to fall for Daehyun, of all people. The only person I've ever liked is Hyosung and that was mostly admiration.

How long have I felt this way towards him? Those days where I waited till his basketball practice ended so we could go home together, no matter how tired I was... The times where I thought about him during class and got happy at the thought we had literature together afterwards...

Have I liked him since then? All this while, I thought it was because I saw Daehyun as my close friend. These are what friends think of each other, right? Maybe I don't really like him that way and I'm just mixing it up because I'm so hung up about who Daehyun likes. Maybe I've confused myself in all of this.

Shutting my eyes tiredly, I delve away from the conversations b around me, shuffle of rubber footsteps clear against the concrete. The crestfallen mood that's been nipping at the edge of my skin sinks harder into my bones. I'm just denying it, aren't I? I do like Daehyun in a romantic way. I don't end the day thinking of kissing Himchan on the cheek or wanting to be in Jongup's embrace. Sure, I'd like a brotherly hug every now and then but it's weird to think of us being so frequently intimate with each other (well, Himchan is a different case since he forces his affection onto us).

But when it comes to Daehyun... Thinking about lying in his arms on a rainy day...

I let out a soft breath as my shoulders slump even more. It's embarrassing to think about it. It's even more embarrassing that it feels nice to think about it. How did I let myself get to this point? I've stupidly set myself up for a world of hurt.

I'm a joke. I like Daehyun and I can't even pinpoint when I started liking him. It's been six months since we met and I've manage to entangle myself in this ridiculous mess. It's so humiliating, especially when I'm the one helping him with his love life.

I can't imagine what he thinks of me right now. He was nice enough to text me last night, thanking me for the presents and for spending his birthday with him without bringing up the horrible way I'd ended the day.

God, Yoo Youngjae... What were you thinking? I don't know what's worse. Finding out I like Daehyun in that way or that I've practically given it away before I even realised myself.

I want to bury myself into the ground. I can't ever look Daehyun in the eyes again. He's probably laughing at me, wondering how stupid I must be.

Trust my heart to do everything that will lead to all the biggest disappointments my brain has nicely pointed out for me.

It's not as if Daehyun will like me even without a crush. I'm so bland and boring. I've barely got anything to offer and unlike him, I don't excel in my academics or in my after-school activities. Why would he ever want to date someone like me?

A soft misery curls into my nerves and I bury my head into my arms. Even if Daehyun for some insane reason likes me, it's not as if it makes things less complicated. If... If we start dating, I won't be able to give him anything and he'll get sick of me after a while, for sure. Things will change between us and I don't want that to happen.

And what would we tell our parents and friends? How would they react to us when we're two boys together? I've been so insensitive, telling Daehyun to just go for it and confess without any qualms. I've barely even considered how severe the consequences are for him. It's always easy to tell someone one thing yet never take that advice yourself.

Daehyun's amazing, isn't he? I wonder how he can love someone so unconditionally. For someone to not care about what others think when it comes to who he loves, it takes a gargantuan amount of courage.

I'm scared. I just hope I don't like him too much. If it's just a small crush, it'll be okay since I'll be able to rub it away easily. It can't have gone that far, right? I've only just found out that I like him so I probably haven't liked him for all that long.

It'll be better if I get over it. Everything will be back to normal. Daehyun's one of the few people who have brought me so much happiness this year. So many of my joyful moments this year exist only because of him. And I manage to screw it up for myself by wanting more than all I've already been given.

Why do I always make things so hard for myself?

Dejection bruises into my chest and I sigh weakly. This is why I've been feeling anxious about Daehyun confessing. I didn't want him to confess not just because I was afraid things will change between us—I've been willing to give up our friendship for his happiness since a long time ago. I selfishly didn't want him to confess to someone else because I liked him.

I'm an idiot. I don't have a single shred of a chance with Daehyun yet I somehow still find it in me to feel so empty thinking of him with someone else. Maybe a pretty boy with a multitude of niches and a genuinely kind personality, someone I'll never be able to amount to.

Wanting to ensconce myself forever in my arms, I remind myself that I've still got to go around for the campaign. Today, the seniors aren't here since they have a blocked week for studying with their preliminary examinations are near. This time, we're targeting the juniors. The reason why is that most of the time, we only go around during the third years and fourth years' recess. We've decided to give out cute heart stickers for every signature we get.

So far, the teachers and disciplinary staff haven't said anything against what we're doing. Our teacher-in-charge, Im-songsaengnim, stopped by a few times to see our progress and told us not to be disheartened even if it doesn't work out, because we tried to fight for what we love.

Lifting my head off the table, I heave and sit up, slumping back against the chair. I've been spending too much time with Daehyun and that's why I've become so attached. I mean, nowadays, he takes up most of my days. Sure, I do still hang out with my other friends, but I see Daehyun more than anyone else. We often have lunch together and study with each other after school. He's the one who accompanies me back home almost every day. Himchan used to be the one who spent the most time with me but his schedule is so cluttered now, and what with our fighting, we essentially became cut from each other's lives.

Liking Daehyun just brings so much trouble. Things were fine the way they were; why did I suddenly have to develop feelings for him?

I wonder what he's doing now. I feel so bad not answering his calls but I don't think I can look at him after that kiss. We're really spending too much time with each other, aren't we? That's why I ended up liking him.

I should stop seeing him so much... Since I'm already too embarrassed to see Daehyun, it won't be too hard, right? He has plenty of friends; it's not like he'll notice I'm gone. I'll just... avoid him till I clear my head.

Slinging my backpack onto my shoulder, I trudge towards the lockers. I'm pathetic, falling for a guy who's already so madly in love with someone else. Gloom churns in my stomach and I lose my appetite. Aaron, Donggeun and Sungjong are eating now and they told me to join them once I was done. I should just head to the library and wait for them to finish.

As I round the corner and approach the corridor with chattering students filing past me, I stop in my tracks when I see an instantly recognisable figure. Daehyun has one hand on his cheek, leaning coolly against my locker while smiling to himself. Heat floods through my system and I hastily spin on my feet, making it to the corner before wincing at the sound of Daehyun's voice.

"Youngjae!"

I have the worst luck. Biting on my lower lip, I slowly swivel back and Daehyun jogs over to me, an incandescent grin worn over his chapped lips. The butterflies begin stirring within me and I curl my fingers, gazing up hesitantly at Daehyun. The feelings are still the same as with every time I see him, except it's so much worse now that I know exactly what they mean.

"Hey," he greets, his distinct, silly chuckle spilling from his throat. He's smiling so brightly like he'd won the lottery.

"Hi," I titter, awkwardly squirming and looking away. He must have been in fits after what I did yesterday. He definitely knows I like him, oh god. I'm such an embarrassment.

"You just finished classes?" Daehyun asks, stepping a little closer. I fall back and nod quietly, refusing to meet his gaze. Whenever he's near me, I can't help the urge to smile with how jittery I become. Now, I feel like I'm about to hurl.

"I, uh, called you a few times," Daehyun hums, lovely sunshine dripping from his voice despite how much more monotonous it is compared to the conversations swarming past us.

"Sorry. I didn't see," I mumble, voice shrivelling into a squeak. How in the world am I ever going to explain why I kissed him?

"It's okay," Daehyun swiftly reassures, crouching slightly to get a better view of me. A short silence twirls around us and my gaze uncertainly flickers up to meet his misty grey irises, something I've come to be so fond of even though I used to think of them as indifferent and intimidating. He's simpering so broadly, eyes handsomely wrinkling with his rumpled cheeks showing prominently.

"I have to go take something from my locker," I nervously laugh, side stepping him and murmuring a soft goodbye. Unfortunately, Daehyun doesn't seem to catch it as he follows after me, looming over me while I uncomfortably rummage through my locker.

"Are you feeling okay?" His guttural voice bristles the hair along my neck and I turn around to find him bending down so as to make eye contact, face unnervingly close. I step back hurriedly and Daehyun blinks at me innocuously. Worry promptly melts into his expression and he continues, "Are you sick?"

"No, no," I assure in a small voice, playing with the edges of my textbook. Nervousness punctures into my skin and my heart is pounding in my head. How long have I liked him, really?

"Just... sleepy."

"You should rest, then," Daehyun advises. I curl my lips and quickly nod, tearing my eyes away from him and shutting my locker door.

"I'm sorry. You must be tired from yesterday," Daehyun breathes, hand reaching up to rub lightly at his cheek. Instinctively, the memory of last night pricks at my mind and I flush harder, begging the floor to just crack open and pull me down into oblivion.

"It's not your fault," I murmur, stepping back. At least he's not explicitly bringing up what happened. As another quietness drifts over us, I almost bid him farewell when he speaks once more.

"Have you eaten lunch?" He asks with a rasp, smiling softly down at me. He shrugs off his backpack and ransacks through his paraphernalia, fishing out a transparent bag of snacks. I gingerly take it and flutter my lashes. They're dried strawberries coated in white chocolate.

"Sorry. Only the bakery was open." Daehyun pats his cheek and his lips, mustering a dazed grin. "Thank you for the amazing birthday. I... don't think I've ever been happier."

God, I can feel the heat engulfing every inch of me. I barely did anything for Daehyun. I've said it so many times but he's so sweet that it's unbelievable... This is one of the reasons I started liking him, isn't it? He's too nice for his own good.

"You're welcome," I breathe,