MUST Listen to: Ailee "Singing Got Better"

Kara

At four in the morning she lay awake.

Wide awake.

But dead on the inside.

If they said the first one was the worst one in a heartbreak, then that would be the extent of how bad it was.

Endless crying. Suddenly wailing like a siren into the night. And JongSuk wasn't around the whole week to comfort her. He'd gone out of town for some business overseas. 

So she would wake up, alone, in the middle of the morning. And she would spend a good hour crying away, before she drowsily fell back into a hectic nightmare.

But worse than heartbreak, was guilt.

Guilt for lying. Guilt for accusing. Guilt for never giving in. 

She realised that she never actually gave in first. And in the relationship he was the driving force, he was the one showering her with vast oceans filled with love. And her? She selfishly took everything, selfishly accepted everything.

For free.

With no exchange. With no return. With no pay.

She scoffed as she thought about herself. All she had given him were such tiny gifts, such small presents. An he? He had built her a treehouse! He had painted it for her. He had put in a whole lot more effort than she herself would ever dream of doing.

And she thought back about the words he had said that night,

"You can never love me like the way I love you."

Maybe he was right. Maybe she couldn't. Maybe Kim JongIn and Lee Kara weren't meant for each other. Maybe they were incompatible. 

Because Lee Kara could never be the person Kim JongIn was. He was selfless. He was so good, so kind. And all she did was ruin him. She was a selfish girl, she was so reliant on him. She never noticed that he would need to be reliant on her too. She was so drawn, so in love with the idea of love. So in love with the idea of a fairytale. Of a dreamy romance, she never stopped for a reality check. Because JongIn had protected her so well, had given her so much, she never actually opened her eyes to the real world. Never opened her eyes to the facts. She never discovered the darkness that lay in the feeling of distrust. The feeling of envy. The feeling of greed. Greed to have him all the time. Because she was so dependent. So dependent on this perfection that was Kim JongIn. So dependent on his love and his care and his tender words. 

And he was addicted to her. He was addicted, and so he did everything. Everything to keep h