I regret.

Looking towards my fans, on stage, here I am; tired but at the same time energetic. Without my fans, I wouldn’t be here, without them, I wouldn’t be able to stand here. Without them cheering for me, I wouldn’t be able to fight my depression. Feeling depressed is one of the things I couldn’t deal alone. For a few years I had my other half and now, I can only lean on my fans for energy and light. Without them again, I would be able to see a new light. But then again, it wasn’t her fault that she left me, it was my own fault. My own attitude made me lose her; I regret them so much. I wish I could take it back but nothing I could do but to move forward and move on; like how she moves on. Bowing to my fans, I walked down the stage, feeling empty once again. Walking up to the dresser room, I stopped midway while the rest walk passed by me. Junmyeon hyung looked at me, he patted my back.

“You did well today,” he smiled. I nodded but my eyes were stuck to nowhere. I looked at him again, I feel like sinking down to the floor, just let myself blend with the dirty floor, I myself, feel dirty and disgusted with myself. I have disappointed her; all those thoughts and bad memories coming back to me clearly. How I treated her. How I take advantage of her love. How little I appreciate her; when she used to care about me, about our relationship, about my fans and hers.

“Jongin ah, come on, you need to rest,” Junmyeon hyung said again, “you haven’t been sleeping well for the past few days… Now you’re looking pale, you haven’t eaten as well…”

“I’m alright…” I whispered. I just needed to be alone for now. I walked away from him in a slow stride, I heard him calling me but I ignored him. I needed to be alone. I needed…her… I need her so much that it hurts. I kept on walking and walking and walking until I reached the restroom. Entering the restroom, Jongdae hyung and Baekhyun hyung was washing their faces. I looked at them impassively, walking straight to the last sink, I turned the tap, and then I washed my face.

“Jongin ah,” Baekhyun hyung called me out.

I looked at him, “hmmm?”

“You alright?” Jongdae hyung asked.

“Perfect,” I whispered. The two looked at each other, I rolled my eyes. I walked out of the place, ignoring them. I walked up to an empty dresser room, I took a sit in the dark empty room. Just like my soul; dark and empty. Closing my eyes, the nightmare started to haunt me once again.

“Jongin ah, where were you? I thought we were supposed to have a date last night?”

“Oh I was busy…”

“I waited…”

“Oh.”

“Jongin… let’s meet this weekend?”

“I’m busy.”

“Jongin ah, I missed you…”

“Okay sure.”

“I love you…”

“Sure.”

 “Why didn’t you answer your phone yesterday?”

“I had something.”

 “Taemin oppa told me that you EXO went out with Red Velvet to celebrate yesterday…”

“It’s nothing. You know both groups are friends~”

Suddenly that day she called me, so sudden.

“What?”

“Jongin ah, why are you ignoring me?”

“Can you stop bothering me when I’m busy?!”

“Are you? Really?”

“You don’t trust me?!”

For some odd reason, I looked up, there she was holding her phone closely to her ear, across the street as she watched us through the shop’s window; she was clearly disappointed and mad but mostly sad. I closed my eyes then I looked at the members and RV members. I stood up, I was about to walk up to her but she stepped back as our eyes still locked. I was still holding my phone close to my ear, I stared at her. I