Title: 4/5


Interesting and grammatically correct.  It just lacks that extra spark that will get you more readers.



Description/Foreword: 8/10


Colors outside of black are highly discouraged.  There are also a couple of comma errors scattered around, but there won’t be a lot of points taken off.  I’ve come to realize that if the grammar is readable, then people shouldn’t be penalized as harshly.  Other than that, congratulations on a proper description and foreword.



Poster/Background: 8/10


The background is distracting.  However, the poster fits the story well.



Characterization: 14/15


Since the fanfiction is only five chapters in, there hasn’t been much time to get to know the characters.  However, you characterize your people well.  The fact that all of the characters--Hara included, even though she seems to be the antagonist--seem real...is something to be proud of.



Spelling/Grammar: 17/20


There are a few mistakes here and there that I can pass over.  One thing that you might want to fix is how you space out the dialogue.  For every new speaker, a new paragraph is needed.  This will help to space out your big paragraphs into smaller ones.
Congratulations on scoring well here.



Flow: 7/10


The way you space out your dialogue makes the flow seem choppier than it is.  Remember to space things out.



Originality/Plot: 20/25


Like I said before, it’s difficult to judge the plot with only five chapters written.  Your plot is quite peculiar; it doesn’t follow any of the big cliches out there lately.  I believe that with the proper planning, you’ll become very successful with this fanfiction.
As for originality, there are enough plot twists in the story so far to keep readers interested.  



Enjoyment: 4/5


Besides the spacing, everything was great.



Total: 82/100


Bonus: 5/5


This surprised me.  It’s something I can see myself obsessing over in the future.



Grand Total: 87/100


General Comments:


I remember reviewing your fictions back when I first started out as a reviewer.  I noticed that you had a lot of grammar issues--mostly punctuation.  You’ve grown as a writer; you have less mistakes grammar-wise.  I’m glad to have the opportunity to review your fanfiction again.  Thank you for requesting a review!