Title: 4/5


Long; sometimes long is better.  In your story’s case, it fits.  It isn’t something that would immediately catch attention, but once someone would start to read, it would grow on them.



Description/Foreword: 7/10


Your description is short and to the point.  This is something readers enjoy because they can’t pay attention for long.
However, there are a few grammar errors.


either you've escaped death or merely had someone close to you die.<--The word “either” should be capitalized since it is the beginning of the sentence.


For those people who had escaped death, their lives are never going to be the same. <--There is an issue with your tense.  You start off with “had” which is in past tense, and you switch to “are” which is present tense.  This is something for you to consider if you decide to edit your story.


call me strange but nobody's perfect, right? <--The word “call” should be capitalized.  There should be a comma after strange.


The author’s note at the end is unnecessary, but if you want to keep it, take out the emoticon and make sure it is formal writing.



Poster/Background: 8/10


The only thing that readers may feel weird about is that Alexander and Kiseop are too close together. 



Characterization: 11/15


Kairi is a great main character to identify with.  She’s not perfect, she’s not a brainiac, and she doesn’t think that she’s the best.  One way to describe her would be normal.  Readers will enjoy the fact that she chose friendship over the fact that Kevin was a vampire.
A few characters may be a bit too unrealistic.  Take Yoona, for example.  There are people who think they’re the best out there, but she has a pretty bad personality.



Spelling/Grammar: 13/20 (Chapter 3 Errors)


I’ve always had this reoccurring dream and every time I have it, it advances from the previous one. <--There should be a comma after “dream”.


I’m not quite sure what it’s about and I’m not quite sure if it’s trying to tell me something. <--Again, there should be a comma after “about”.


I stopped outside a graveyard, handing gripping onto the cold iron bars. <--The word “handing” seems a bit awkward here.  Also, there should be a comma after “cold”.


I knew in this dream, I was searching for something or someone but I what this something or someone was, I had no idea. <--There should be a comma before “but”.  Take out “I” because it doesn’t have a purpose here.


But I definitely knew I had to find it before something bad would happen. <--Starting sentences with “but” aren’t recommended, although authors use them anyway.


“Hello?” I called, looking around, “hello?” <--To fix this, replace the comma after “around” with a period.  Capitalize the “h” in the second “hello”, and you should be fine.


Something snapped, maybe a twig, causing me to stop in my tracks and spin around, “hello?” <--Again, change the comma after “around” to a period, and capitalize the “h” in “hello”.


I slowly glanced around the corner to find a cloaked figure stood beside a grave. <--The word “stood” isn’t necessary, but if you’d like to keep it in the sentence, change it to “standing”.


The only thing visible was their lips, which seemed to be moving as if they were reciting something. <--Since there is only one person, “their” should be “his/her”, and “they” should be “he/she”.


“Demon-bait,” the figure simply said, French accent obvious in his voice. <--Add “a” before “French”.


I stopped walking, “what?” <--Change the comma to a period, and capitalize the “w”.


It’s like shadows coming alive. <--Since you use past tense everywhere else, change “It’s” to “It was”.


Fierce and wild creatures, Predators, animals that are built to kill. <--The word “Predators” should have a lowercase “p”.  “Are should change to “were”.


it’s captivating yet haunting red glowing eyes watching me intently. <--There should be a comma after “red”.


A deep grow came from deep within its chest. <--You spelled “growl” as “grow”.


I suddenly got thrown against a gravestone, a sharp shooting pain going into my right wrist. I glanced down to find my left palm bleeding from where I had stopped my head smashing on a sharp corner of the grave. <--I’m not sure if you meant this on purpose, but notice how you say “a sharp pain going into my right wrist”, and then you say “to find my left palm bleeding”?


I stared at a pair of legs that we standing in-between me and the cat like creature. <--Change “a” to “the”.  “We” should be “were”.  And I’m not sure if the hyphen in the word “in-between” is necessary.


I glanced up at the person to see who it was but all their features were blurry, apart from the ice blue eyes that were staring at me. <--There should be a comma before “but”.


The person ignored my questions, “You have to go!” <--The comma should be a period.


I brought myself to me feet, swaying slightly from the lack of blood. <--“Me” should be “my”.


I took a step forward, my senses completely throwing me off balance and the next thing I knew, I was falling… <--There should be a comma after “balance”.



Flow: 8/10


A bit slow at parts; the last few chapters weren’t even chapters, but author’s notes.



Originality/Plot: 19/25


Your story is great, but you use a lot of cliches.  First, the vampire deal.  A lot of fanfics seem to base their plotline off vampires because of their increase in popularity.  Twilight has influenced writers to base their main characters off Edward and Bella.  Another cliche is that Kairi is too clumsy.  It’s all right to get hurt once in a while, but she gets hurt a lot.  I understand that it’s because she can see demons, but I just wanted to point that out to you.
The plotline itself is enjoyable; once you get into it, you have a hard time stopping.



Enjoyment: 5/5


The ending was genius.  The way you stopped it right there was something that not many people could do because of the tendency to give everyone a happy ending.  Good job.



Total: 75/100



Bonus: 5/5


Things that I adored were the dreams that predicted future events and the ending.



Grand Total: 80/100



General Comments:


Congratulations on turning a cliche topic like vampires into something readable.  The concept of vampires never appealed to me, so I was a bit hesitant in the beginning of the story.  Once I got in, though, I was in all the way.  You are a very talented writer, and although the score you earned may not be as high as you expected, you did a nice job on the story.
Thank you for requesting a review, and I’m very sorry that it took a long time to complete.