Title: 4/5


Sometimes, simple is great.  However, readers won’t really know what your story is about from just the title.  



Description/Foreword: 6/10


What you have in the description isn’t really a description.  There isn’t anything wrong with it, but maybe you could’ve used the text in the foreword for the description.  



the only perfect woman from the rest or mankind <--“Or” should be “of”.


and my stomach ties into knots and contracts and becomes all squirmy <--Not that many men out there would say squirmy, would they?


because of how out of my leave you are <--“Leave” should be “league”.  Same thing in the next sentence.


I'm nor going to stop loving you <--“Nor” should be “not”.


Picture your face when I'm singing <--Incomplete sentence.


Imagine your smile when asked about my ideal girl <--Incomplete sentence again.


I'll just have to hide it, because I'm not your boyfriend anymore. <--No comma is needed before “because”.


and no other time have I felt so angry before <--Your word order is a bit awkward here.


I can tell by the way your face scrunched up and you can't quite meet my eye. <--The verbs (can tell, scrunched, can’t meet) are written in a different tense from the rest of your foreword.



Poster/Background: 7/10


It’s awkwardly blended, and you can tell that the picture of Jonghyun and Sekyung is from a news article.



Characterization: 13/15


Since Jonghyun and Sekyung are born in the same year, they should be calling each other “chingu” if anything.  Your descriptions of the characters seem realistic, however.  



Spelling/Grammar: 13/20


A little note: Foreign words, like oppa, noona, hyung, etc. are not capitalized.  You are allowed to italicize them to show that they are foreign words, but just remember to keep them lowercase.



No on seemed to have noticed <--“On” should be “one”.


"Oh. Sorry, Oppa." SeKyung replied, sheepishly. <--The commas after “sorry” and “replied” are not necessary.


I'm hungry too." He replied, gently grasping her hand <--The period after “too” should be a comma, and that allows you to put “he” in lowercase letters.


And she'd forget about it soon anyways, she always did. <--The comma should be a semi-colon.


You're trying to get rid of me, aren't you. <--This, unless intended to be a statement, should be a question.  


My fanboys and I would be hunted down by your Shawols before they can lay a finger on you. <--“Can” should be “could”.


They arrived at their destination, a new cafe specializing in foreign desserts, quickly, and their mouths were already watering after seeing just the displays outside. <--Maybe you could move “quickly” and put it after “destination”.


gesturing towards the |MEN| sign <--You don’t need the | | signs because readers can probably figure out that he needs to use the restroom.


Hyung <--Instead of underlining it, italicize.  It gets the word across much better.


But we don’t talk that much, and there’s no downtime anyways since we haven’t even started filming yet anyways.” <--You make “anyways” redundant by using it twice in the same sentence.


“Well you can’t avoid him forever, besides seriously! <--Awkward usage of words.


“Hick Kick,” <--You should italicize High Kick because it’s a movie.


I’m exited for another series.” <--“Exited” should be “excited”.


“Thank you.” She replied, but when she looked up <--You should change the period to a comma, and write “she” in lowercase letters.


JongHyun Kim <--Unless she was a foreign waitress, she would’ve said “Kim Jonghyun”.


at y our service <--Strange spacing.


Noon.a <--Where’d that random period come from?


JongHyun replied, so quickly that it hurt. <--The comma is completely unnecessary.


SeKyung sighed, staying would only dampen her mood. <--The comma should be a semi-colon.


She know, though not wanting to admit, <--“Know” should be “knew”.


the waitress replied, sympathetically <--No comma needed.


She said, cheerfully, and slid out her chair to leave. <--The comma before “cheerfully” is unnecessary.


To your career, to your fans <--Technically, this isn’t a sentence.



Flow: 7/10


You’ve mentioned in the description that reader should pay attention to formatting.  Do keep in mind that some readers skip over authors notes and go straight to the story itself.  Some people may find that they have to read through it more than once to understand what happened.
If you add a few more transition words, you should be fine.



Originality/Plot: 21/25


The great part about the plot is that it could’ve actually happened.  Jonghyun and Sekyung could have broken up because of what you wrote.  The best part is that no one really knows the real reason they broke up.
There are other stories like yours, but you turned a cliche into something that people can read.  Good job.



Enjoyment: 4/5


For the most part, it was enjoyable.  



Total: 63/100


Bonus: 5/5


Impressive vocabulary in the foreword.


Grand Total: 68/100


General Comments:


You are an impressive writer, and your oneshot is better than many other oneshots on the site.  If you take the time to proofread for spelling/grammar/punctuation errors, then you should be great.  This probably wasn’t the score you were hoping for, so Imust apologize for that.  Also, thank you for being patient (my co-author refuses to go online, which forces me to review everything).  Thank you for requesting a review!