Title: 3/5


Your title is a bit misleading; after reading what you’ve posted, it isn’t really about SHINee.  It’s more of a Block B fiction.



Description/Foreword: 5/10


Your description and foreword are a bit on the short side, so it may not catch as many readers.  Give the readers a few more details about your story, but don’t give away the whole plot.  Also, there are some grammatical errors:



Will the kids be okay with it or will the teachers be ripped to shreds??? <--You need a comma before “or”.  Also, one question mark is better than three.


We have new teachers? HA! I smirked. Fresh victims <--Assuming some of these are thoughts, italicize her thoughts.



Poster/Background: --/10


You don’t have a poster/background, so this will not be factored into your ending score.



Characterization: 11/15


The main girl, Jessica, seems to be very emotional.  Teenage girls are emotional, but Jessica’s character is going overboard.  She seems to be all over the place.



Spelling/Grammar: 8/20


I walked into the classroom and sat in my seat athe back and put my head on the desk..damn last night was horrible..I couldn't sleep too much work. <--This is a humongous run-on sentence with a spelling error.  Perhaps, you could change it to: “I walked into the classroom and sat in my seat at the back.  I put my head on the desk.  Damn, last night was horrible.  I couldn’t sleep because there was too much work.”


As I stared out the window I felt someone tap my shoulder. <--Comma after “window”.


"I'm alright just really tired." <--Comma after “alright”.


So you are you gonna go to Hanni's party or are you and I gonna have some fun,tonight?? <--Do you mean: “So are you gonna go to Hanni’s party?  Or are you and I gonna have some fun tonight?”


Zico asked smirking ertedly. <--Comma after “asked”.


Kyung...get him away right now,I wanna be alone <--Instead of an elipsis (...) use a comma.  Instead of the comma after “now”, use a period or a semicolon.


I said staring out the window. <--Comma after “said”.


The bell rang and everyone got in thier seats. <--Comma after “rang”.  Also “thier” is actually “their”.


Hello. I'm Kim Kibum  but call me Key. <--Comma after “Kibum”.


Anyway.I'm Minho Choi just call me Minho. <--You need a period or a semicolon after “Choi”.


The names Jonghyun Kim but call me Jjongie. <--Apostrophe needed in the “s” in “names”.  Or just write it out.


After  the intros.the students got the chance.....I was first <--Comma after “intros” instead of period.  An elipsis is only three dots.


I got home and went into my room, I checked my phone and saw Zico texted me. <--Instead of a comma, use a period/semi-colon.


I smiled amd went to open my window. <--“amd” should be “and”.


Soooooo....whats wrong with you? <--I believe that “so” just has one “o”, and you don’t need the extra “o” for emphasis.  Also, you need an apostrophe before the “s” in “whats”.


Zico asked staring me. <--You need a preposition.  “Zico asked, staring at me.”


Parents gone again,so Kimmi and I are stuck taking care of each other but I am in fear that she won't take her meds and she'll have an attack. <--This is a run-on sentence.  Perhaps you could split the sentence at “but I am...”


I'm scared that I won't be able to do anything to help her and she'll leave me. <--Comma after “her”.


said hugging him. <--You need a subject.  “I said, hugging him” or something to that effect.


Zico get me wet towel,now! <--You forgot an article.  “Zico, get me a wet towel now!”


Zico raced to the bathroom,  I looked at Kimmi and hrld her as she cried. <--Instead of a comma, use a period or a semi colon.  “Hrld” should be “held.”


I want to die,,,,I'm so lonely. <--An elipsis is periods, not commas.


Kimmi said shaking, Zico came down the the towel and handed it to me. <--What did Zico come down?  He really came down the towel?


Kimmi you aren't alone you have mom,dad,me,and Zico too. <--Period or semi-colon after “alone”.


Don't be so quick to invite death into your life,Be happy. <--Period or semi-colon after “life”.  Make the “B” in “be” lowercase if you use a semi-colon. 


We drove the hospitial and Kimmi had fainted from too much blood loss,she stayed over night. <--You spelled hospital wrong.  This is a run-on sentence too.



Flow: 4/10


I feel that your flow is very poor.  For instance, her sister goes to the hopsital.  Then Jessica wants to confess to Zico.  Then they go clubbing.  Then Jessica’s parents die.  Then she sings at a talent show.  Then she leaves.  Then she is in Korea.
None of these events make sense when you put them together, do they?  Make some transition chapters to make the ideas flow.



Originality/Plot: 10/25


From the title and description, you could guess the plot would be SHINee centered.  But after reading the story, you seem to stray off the original plot altogether.  Isn’t it about SHINee being her teachers?  But SHINee is back in America--or wherever Jessica came from--with Block B, and that completely changes your plot.



Enjoyment: 4/5


The formatting and grammar errors made it a little less enjoyable than I hoped.



Total: 45/90 



Bonus: 5/5


I’m glad that you didn’t resort to SHINee stereotypes.



Grand Total: 50/90 → 56/100



General Comments:


This story is definetly something that could be drastically improved.  If you change the format and brush up on your grammar rules, this story can be very successful.  I’m really sorry if I seemed harsh, and I know this isn’t the review you were looking for.  Thank you for waiting for the review, and thank you for requesting a review!