Title: 5/5


One word titles are hard to think of, and it matches with the plot and everything.  Good job!

Description & Foreword: 8/10


My little cousin has bad eyesight, and so she had a hard time seeing the gray font.  You do a good job of drawing readers in with your description.  If I was a person with nothing to read, I would definitely click on your story.  Here’s some things you should fix:
No one had ever looked at me like that before, and with that kind of intensity. (The use of the comma here is incorrect.  Instead, take the comma out.)
Your eyes, your dark brown eyes... they were so cold, so icy. (You shouldn’t use an ellipsis here.  But if you keep it in, capitalize they.)
I clicked the Youtube link and the video was taken down.

Poster/Background: 9/10


The only thing I wish that your poster maker would change is the black outline on the words.  Also, the pink doesn’t seem to go with the other colors.  Other than that, the poster is really good.

Characterization: 12/15 


Nicole, I’m assuming, carries some characteristics of yourself.  The reason why I’m guessing this is because your username is nicoleziying.  I don’t like how she’s rich and everyone likes her.  And she has the stereotypical family life: the mom died, the dad is distant, and the stepmom is horrid.  But her personality seems believable.  She’s scared of Junhyung.  In some fics, the main girl makes me upset because of her lack of originality.  But your OC is fine.
Junhyung seems to be a bit on the crazy side.  I see his intentions, but it just doesn’t seem right.  But enough of my ranting about how crazy Junhyung is here.  I like how he cares for Nicole.  I like his endless patience.


Spelling/Grammar: 4/20


The final bell of the day rang as soon as the clock 3 in the afternoon. (Tense issue here.  Correction: The final bell of the day rang as soon as the clock struck three in the afternoon.  And smaller numbers should be written out.)


backpacks slung behind their backs (Isn’t it: backpacks slung on their backs?)


breathing in the warm fresh air surrounding her as summer break is about to start. (is should be was here.)


did she remembered to mention hot guys? (remembered should be remember.)


Yes, summer is going to be so much fun! (is should be was here.)
Let’s get out of here before the headmaster gave us all detention. (gave should be gives.)


She laughed, hearing what her guy best friend had just done. (With this sentence, I know you mean Nicole, but others might not, so you should change she to Nicole.

)
Her name… Nicole Ahn. (This is completely unnecessary since you mention Nicole’s name before this.)


She’s the pretty Korean Taiwanese girl who had a rich business as a father (Two issues here.  Instead of using a contraction here, write out she was.  I’m assuming you mean businessman instead of business.)


She had it all, money, fame, boys, she’s even known as Miss popular in school, along with her clique. (Run on sentence here.  After the word boys, use a semicolon.  Also, after the word ‘all’, use a colon.)


AJ, a Korean like her, also born in the states (You need a verb, or else this is an incomplete sentence.  The s in states should be capitalized too.)


Not that he’s not good looking, he is and talented in singing and dancing too. (This doesn’t make sense to me.  Correction: AJ was actually good looking, and he could sing and dance too.)


Let’s just continue to Suzy, Nicole’s best friend aka AJ’s girlfriend. (Everything after the comma isn’t needed.  You’ve already mentioned this in the sentence before.)


big eyes, porcelain face, and smooth skin with features that made her look like a doll. (I think you should take this part out.  Doesn’t Nicole have all of these features already?)


who were both being lovey-dovey in the front seats (Seats should be seat.)


she shriek as the both of them kissed. (Shriek should be shrieked.)


sat on the couches and hang out (Hang should be hung.)


booze and beer (Isn’t this the same thing?)


which were serving on the table (Serving should be served.)


Boys chugging down large amount of alcohol, (chugging should be chugged.)


greeted by her best friend in the front door. (in should be at.)


The loud music blasted her ears as she entered the house, (Take out ‘the house’ since you mention it in your dialogue in the same sentence.)


Yeap (not a word?)


where everyone can see (can should be could.)


blackberry (Capitalize.)


she needed to call before she gets grounded (gets should be got.)


daddy (Since that’s what Nicole calls him, it should be capitalized.)


You better don’t push me. (Correction: You better not push me.)


there was peach and quiet (peach should be peace.)

t
he beach always calms her (calms should be calmed.)


She could sit there for hours and just look at the blue sea, just sitting there without doing anything, just thinking through the troubles she had in her mind, the thoughts she kept inside that nobody knew. (This is one big run-on sentence.)


She thought back when her mother was still alive, she was ten at that time when her mother had diagnosed with cancer and died. (Semicolon, not comma.)


everything involves with her stepmother. (everything involved her stepmother?)


She love dancing, she loves the beach, she loves feeling the cold air blowing on her cheeks and her hair, she likes the color white and hates her stepmother to her guts. (Every time you use ‘love’ should be changed to ‘loved’.  She loved dancing, the beach, the feeling of cold air blowing on her cheeks and hair, and the color white.  The stepmother thing here is unnecessary.)


Yes, she has everything—friend, money, popularity. (Yes, she had everything---friends, money, and popularity.)


but they can’t bring us happiness too. (Wrong pronoun here.  Money is no gender, so use ‘it’.)


Everyone wants a friend who is rich. (Wants should be wanted)


They didn’t care who they are friends with, as long as they’re rich, they’re popular. (This doesn’t make sense to me.)


Friends, yes, she has friends (Friends, yes, she had friends.)


But most of them are fake, plastic. (But most of them were fake and plastic.)


They come and go, (They came and went.)


only come to you when they needed your help, (Only coming when they needed your help)


Nicole sighed as the thought of all the things she kept inside her heart. (as should be at.)


It was Korean, it made her look like an outcast. (so her Korean name made her feel like an outcast?  And you need a semi-colon.)


the blue ocean that seems to calm her down (seems should be seemed.)


Yes, she will continue to live her life as Nicole Ahn, (will should be would.)


But little did she know that someone was looking at her; a dark figure lurking behind the tree as it stalked her every move (But little did she know that someone was watching her; a dark figure lurked behind the tree and stalked her every move.)



Flow: 9/10


I think the flow is fine.  It’s not so fast that it makes me want to tear my hair out, but it’s not so slow that I get bored reading it.  Good job here.



Originality: 10/15


Personally, I’ve seen stories like this a lot.  It goes like this: the guy takes the girl hostage because he likes her and they end up falling in love at the end.  This scenario is highly unlikely.  What are the chances of falling in love with someone you fear?  Unless it’s Stockholm Syndrome...then I suppose...
Anyway, something I’d like to see here would be her escaping or her dying.  Even though it might make some readers sad that the main girl died, hey, it’s original.  You don’t have to take the suggestions though; I’m just thinking of possibilities.
I’ll tell you a secret.  When I first started your story, I though Beast’s Fiction MV inspired you.  It reminded me of when Junhyung and the girl are out in the middle of no where and she turns into dust and he falls on the ground...Anyway.



Plot: 9/10


Kidnapping works for a story plot to an extent.  In these types of fics, after a while, I get bored and ditch them.  However, this story has something in it that makes me want to read on and find out what happens to the main characters.  So yeah, although it may not be original, I enjoyed it, my cousin enjoyed it, and we’re all happy.



Enjoyment: 5/5


Besides grammar, this was a very fun read.



Total: 71/100



Bonus: 5/5


I love the way you write.



Grand Total: 76/100



General Comments:


The thing that brought you down was grammar.  I know that grammar isn’t a strong point for many, but I think that you should proofread.  I mean, the way you write and use words is amazing, but proofreading would make it even better.  If you need help, you should ask a friend or a relative to proofread it for you.  Sometimes, others will catch mistakes that you can’t.  Thanks for requesting a review, and I hope you aren’t too sad about your grammar score.  Thanks again!