Title: 5/5


From the title alone, you can’t tell if your story is going to be a light comedy or an angst fanfiction.  That will serve to your advantage.



Description/Foreword: 6/10


A few grammatical things:


My eyes were blocked with a black cloth, I was held back with a gag sock; it was all painful, it was cruel; but why was this happening to me? <--A big run-on sentence.  Perhaps, “My eyes were blocked with a black cloth, and a gag sock held me back.  It was all painful; it was cruel, but why was this happening to me?”


My tears soaked the cloth and I felt my body tremble under the cold pavement in some place, he had me at. <--Comma after “cloth”.  No comma needed after “place”.


All I heard was his deep chuckle, it was smooth and any girl would melt at his voice. <--Instead of a comma, use a period or semi-colon.


Sobbing as quietly as I can his foot steps became faint, but suddenly a loud ringing rang through the place, echoing; indicating I was alone. <--Perhaps, “Sobbing as quietly as I could, his footsteps became faint.  Suddenly, a loud ringing rang through the place, echoing, indicating that I was alone.”


I screamed, but nothing; all I heard was the sound of dripping water, it splashed into a puddle and it was the only calming noise for me. <--Run-on sentence.


God, is sure cruel <--Perhaps, “God sure is cruel.”


I cursed myself for even being born, how can this happen to me?! <--Instead of the comma, use a period or a semi-colon.


I flinched at his voice, it was smooth and calming, but it was one of a monster. <--Perhaps, “I flinched at his voice.  It was smooth and calming, but it was one of a monster.”


He doesn't love me, he is obsessed with me, and I want to know why?! Why is it, I'm suffering?! <--Awkwardly written.



Poster/Background: 10/10


It complements the story well.  



Characterization: 11/15


The amnesia patient with a mysterious child, the crazy/obsessed best friend/boyfriend at one point in her life, and the current boyfriend that has something to do with the girl’s amnesia.  They’ve all got their personas, but can you find a way to make it more than that?



Spelling/Grammar: 8/20


In this cruel world of his, the one he had me tied down in. <--Fragment.


My eyes concealed in darkness, in pitch black; like a never ending tunnel of ice and water. <--Missing a verb.


The drips of water that calmed me echoed in my ears, each drop; setting me on alert. <--Improper use of a semi-colon.


Stretching my ears to the sounds outside of the room, I supposed I'm in; but I heard nothing, but soft breathing. <--Improper use of a semi-colon again.


It was him <--Missing end punctuation.


He wasalways here, and never left <--Lacking end punctuation again.  Improper use of a comma.


The speed-ness of my heart racing was a added sound to the alertness inside me. <--Is “speed-ness” a word?  Also, it should be “an added sound to the alertness inside me.”


My breathing shallow and muffled, it felt thick inside here and heavy; hot. <--You need a verb.  Wrong use of a comma and semi-colon.


The tips of my fingertips icy cold, they were bonded behind my back. <--You need a verb.


The ropes grinding into my flesh as I felt the burn of the rope and the warmth of my blood ooze out. <--The word “grinding” should be “ground”.


I could die or thirst or blood loss, but either way I want to die. <--Perhaps, “I could die of thirst or blood lost, but either way, I want to die.”


The soft thuds of foot steps coming towards me, not again. <--You need a verb.


The wind shifted once more and I felt warm air over my nose and exposed skin on my face. <--Comma after “more”.


Fingertips, warm but disgusting to me; grazed my neck. <--Change the semi-colon to a comma.


He never does <--End punctuation needed.


As if, I'll scream for my life. <--Change the comma to a semi-colon or a period.


But the sad thing is I don't know if were in a city or country; if people will even hear me. <--Perhaps, “But the sad thing is that I don’t know if we’re in a city or country, or if people will even hear me.”


The soft noises he made and his breathing over me face, my body went stiff as his hands lightly touched my collar bone. <--You could combine this into one sentence.


Easy for you to say, your not tied up, right? <--I believe that “your” should be “you’re”.


But I just nodded, his hand slowly removed from my lips. <--Change the comma to a semi-colon or a period.


His fingertip caressed my bottom lip and he sighed. <--Add a comma after “lip”.


Your beautiful soft lips are dry. <--Comma after “beautiful”.


I hate you so much, you ruined my life! <--Period or semi-colon instead of a comma.


I closed them tight and he roughly pushed his lips against mine, I leaned back. <--Perhaps, “I closed them tight, and he roughly pushed his lips against mine.  I leaned back.”


But the wall was behind me, I was trapped. <--Semi-colon or period instead of a comma.


His tongue, was pushing through my lips. <--No need for the comma.


Tears rimmed my eyes as one of his hands slipped down my arm and rested on my waist, body trembled under his touch he sighed in content. <--Perhaps, “Tears rimmed my eyes as one of his hands slipped down my arm and rested on my waist.  My body trembled under his touch; he sighed in content.”


You'll go to him, but he don't love you like I do. <--I’m not sure if it was intentional, but “don’t” should be “doesn’t”.


His hand behind my nape, cupped me as he lifted my chin up to him. <--No need for the comma.


Slowly his other hand on my waist lifted as he untied the cloth on my eyes. <--Comma after “slowly”.


The light was blinding and rough on my eyes, I whimpered and he shielded my eyes from the light, cooing me to comfort. <--Perhaps, “The light was blinding and rough on my eyes.  I whimpered, and he shielded my eyes from the light, cooing me to comfort.”


He never said nothing. <--I think that “nothing” should be “anything”.


Blinking my eyes open and shut slowly; maybe this is just a nightmare? <--Perhpas, “Blinking my eyes open and shut slowly, I wonder if this is just a nightmare.”


My vision clear and took in my surroundings, it wasn't a warehouse or basement. <--First, “clear” should be “cleared”.  Second, use a semi-colon or a period instead of a comma.


The place was bright and happy? <--I think that a period would work better than a question mark.


This is not my home, it never will be. Because there is no love, no warmth nor protection. <--Perhaps you could combine this into one sentence?  “This is not my home, and it will never be because there is no love, warmth, or protection.”


My life used to bright and warm like this house, but one thing was I never seen this coming. <--This sentence is a bit wordy, but I’m not sure how to fix it.


I never thought such illness exist until it happened to me, and look where I'm at now? <--I think that “exist” should be “existed”.


I'm tied down in an unknown place, with my obsessor <--No need for a comma.


He repeats and declares his love for me every second if possible, and shows me with rough disgusting kisses over my lips and neck. <--No need for the comma.


I'm dirty and it's thanks to him. <--Comma after “dirty”.


He asked and my heart shattered by his voice; it was one every girl would die for. <--Perhaps, “He asked, and his voice made my heart shatter.  It was one every girl would die for.”


It used to be comforting one time, but right now everything of that was gone. <--I think that “everything” should be “all”.


My eyes widen as I looked towards his smooth features, the smile on his lips was sickening. <--The comma should either be a period or a semi-colon.


My eyes went blank as he laid my on the bed; I don't care for such details of the room, because there was no windows - just one door. <--I think that “my” should be “me”.  No need for a comma after “room”.


My lace white bra in his view, my skinny jeans ripped at the knees as dried blood soaked in the denim. <--You need verbs in both parts of the sentence.


The pale pink shirt I wore, dirty and tore; splattered with my own blood from the cut I endured myself. <--This sentence is incorrect, but I’m not sure how to fix it.


Your so beautiful,I want you. <--“Your” should be “You’re”.


Closing my eyes as tears burned inside my eyelids. <--This is a fragment.



Flow: 9/10


You forget the occasional transition word here and there, but your flow is great!



Originality/Plot: 15/25


Honestly, your fanfiction isn’t original.  This isn’t bad, but it isn’t good either.  Majority of the readers like to stick to the cliche stories because a) everyone else is reading it, b) cliche is predictable, or c) they can’t find something ruled as “un-cliche” on AFF.  You’ve got a girl who has a hole in her memory kidnapped by a stalker/obsesser.  In the end, the girl will probably fall in love with the stalker/obsesser because that’s how they usually end.  
There aren’t that many chapters up, so I can’t determine anything yet.  However, I do hope that you add some plot twists in.  Readers love those.



Enjoyment: 5/5


You use Se7en/Choi Dongwook.  Impressive.  Honestly, I thought that GD would be the stalker guy, but I was proven wrong.



Total: 69/100



Bonus: 5/5


After Se7en lets her go, I want to know what happens next.

Grand Total: 74/100



General Comments:


You’ve got a great story in the making--ignoring the stalker cliche--because of your writing style.  You write in a way that will captivate the readers.  Honestly, I wouldn’t have found all of those grammatical errors if I wasn’t looking for them because I was too involved in the storyline.

I don’t know if this was the score you wanted (probably not), and thank you for requesting a review!  Sorry it took so long.