Title: 0/5:

it didn’t tell me anything about the story and didn’t catch my eye.

Description/Forward: 5/10

Description 5/5:

It was good. It set up the story without giving away all major details; I left with questions of what’s the situation with Eli? And what will happen with kibum?, which is good. (If that makes sense)

Forward ~ 0/5 :

you didn’t write anything that tells us more about the story. Next time try taking an important part of your story and put it in the forward without giving us major details so that we’ll want to keep reading.

Poster/Background ~ 0/10 :

It wasn’t eye-catching or told me anything specific about the story and it didn’t tell me who Heather is.

Characterization ~ 15/15 :

because manipulators like Eli do exist and their prey like Heather do exist so it was easy to see them as characters and be able to relate to them in some way.

Spelling/Grammar ~ 10/20 : from first chapter

(10 points because I generally liked how the first chapter told us about the past and held set up the story)

(10 points off because of bad grammar)

Kevin walked out of his room to get a drink (of what? Specify) from the kitchen. He got down the hall when he noticed a figure curled up on the couch,(take out the . add in a ,)He sighed andshook, shaking(add in a ,after sighed and follow it with shaking)his head walking over to the couch. “Heather?” he asked,putting his hand on her shoulder.

(start new paragraph) She looked up at the boy butand(add in and) responded with a sniffle,not words.

(start new paragraph)“It happened again didn’t it?” he asked. She nodded yes(add in)and he sighed heavily again. “Come on you can stay with AJ and I tonight.” Heather uncurled herself and stood up pulling the blanket tightly around her frame. Kevin put his arm around her and led her back down the hall to his room.

(start new paragraph)“Can I sleep on Kibum’s old bed?” she asked. Kevin nodded yes(add in floor) and  , (add in an ,) pulled out the mattress pad and laid it out on the floor (add in)next to his bed. Taking the pillow Kevin was holding she laid down and fell asleep right away.

AJ walked in and stopped, looking down at the girl now asleep on the floor. “What’s going on?” he asked.

(start new paragraph)Kevin sat on his bed andproppeding (add ing)himself against the headboard “That’s Kibum hung’s girlfriend Heather, she’s staying with us for the night.”

(start new paragraph)AJ looked at Kevin “Ok but why? Shouldn’t she be over at Kibum’s or something?” he asked sitting on his bed.

(start new paragraph)“ By all rights yes, but it seems that(add in that)Eli thought otherwise. Do you have time for a story?” Kevin asked. Aj nodded and got comfortable as Kevin began. “Before Heather was with Kibum, she was with Eli but not really. See, (add in ,)he saw her as a conquest, she saw him as her first real love. Eli played the nice guy card, taking time to spend with her, getting to know her,(add in ,)playing the caring friend.” Kevin paused and looked down at Heather. “He got to know all about her;(change the . to a ;)Her hopes and dreams, fears and insecurities. While she was falling for him more and more,(add in ,)he was plotting and planning his next step. He was committed to see this through, to get what he wanted and he kept it up, for months. After some time, about two and half months, Heather got the courage to finally confess to him and her hope was that (add in that)he’she’d(change he’s to he’d)ask her to be his girlfriend.

Flashback

Heather was sitting at the counter(add in counter)island in the dorm kitchen across from Eli. After a few moments of silence she looked up at him. “Eli can I tell you something?” she asked, her voice wavering a bit.

(start new paragraph)Eli looked at her while taking a sip of his water. He knew what she was going to say, he’d been waiting months to hear it. Eli put the cup down and smiled that killer smile of his at her. “You know you can tell me anything, what’s on your mind?”

(start new paragraph)She hesitated and looked down at her hands. “Well.. I just wanted to say that no one has ever made me feel so special. You’re(change your to you’re)really areamazing. Taking time to listen to me go on about everything.. making me feel comfortable around you.”

(start new paragraph)Eli cut her short, moving and sitting next to her now. “Well, you know it’s all because I care about you.” He said lifting her head up so he can look at her.

(start new paragraph) Heather blushed a deep shade of red when she heard him say those words. “No one has ever cared and I think.. I think it’s time that I tell you I really like you Eli.” He smiled and leaned in kissing her softly on the lips. In that moment he knew he was ready to move on to the next part of his plan.

Flow ~ 5/10 :

the sentences seemed choppy and broken up. It would have flowed better if it was in Kevin’s or Heathers point of view and change through the story.

The paragraphs need to be broken up more. If someone else is starting to say something it needs to be a new paragraph.

You  shouldn’t cut off chapter in the middle of conversations (example end of chapter 1 and beginning of chapter 2)

The flow/development of the different characters/situations was good.

Originality/Plot ~ 25/25 :

I’ve read other abuse fanfic before but your plot was very good and creative, which I liked.

Enjoyment ~ 5/5 :

I liked the creativeness and the complicated love triangle.

Total ~ 70/100

Bonus ~3/5 :

because I enjoyed it and so did your subscribers but 2 points off because I didn’t enjoy the confusion of not knowing who was talking and how everything was jumbled together.

Grand Total ~ 73/100 = 73%

General Comments ~

please work on separating your paragraphs when the person talking changes and try to use run on sentences to make things flow better instead of chopping everything up by using a period.

reviewed by 1234cve

^.^