Title: 3/5


Some may skip your story because the title is vague and seen in many other fics.


Description & Foreword: 5/10


The usage of profiles seems like an insult to readers.  It’s like saying that they aren’t smart enough to understand it from context.
Here are some things you should fix:
Is she gonna survive all the Fame, Betrayal and Romance coming her way? (No need for the capital F, B, and R.)
You shouldn’t include emoticons in the foreword because forewords are formal.  Also, you shouldn’t capitalize the beginning of every word, only the beginning of the sentence.  Do not use bright colors because it will annoy some readers.
Also, links in the foreword should be avoided.  



Poster/Background: 8/10


The words are a bit difficult to see.



Characterization: 9/15 


Most of the things readers know about the characters comes from the character profiles.  To improve here, mention characteristics and habits that the girls show in daily life.  



Spelling/Grammar: 15/20


Pretty good here.  I only checked grammar in Chapter 1 because I am not your editor.


But my baack is to the door so I dont really see them come out. (Back has one ‘a’, and you need an apostrophe between the ‘n’ and ‘t’ in don’t.)


I have alot of flashbacks of my childhood. (A lot is two words.)
A strange handsome   boy is reaching out his hands towards me (There’s an awkward spacing error between handsome and boy.)
Then a nurse comes in adn takes me away. (Adn should be and.)
My dad Pushes him away and they race out of the hospital exit. (Pushes should be lowercase.)


I start to lose consiousness (Should be consciousness.)


It's okay Amy, your gonna be fine. (Your should be you’re.  Gonna should be going to.)


Then I lose consiousness and drift off into the darkness. (This doesn’t need to be mentioned since you mentioned it already.)


"Hey Julie, come over to 100 SE Hally St, please" Amy says, whining. (Not needed.)


"Noo" (One ‘o’.)


* 2 Minutes Later* (Completely unnecessary.)


I see Amy on her knees in  the street, holding her head and bleeding. (Awkward spacing between in and the.)
"

It's okay Amy. Your gonna be fine. I'm here for you". (Unnecessary.)


Then Amy's eyes sslowly close and she goes limp in my arms. (Slowly has one s.)


* 1 Minute later* (Unnecessary.)



Flow: 6/10


Your lack of transitional words/phrases and usage of repeated text makes the flow choppy.  To improve, add more details and transitions.  Leave out repeated text because it is unnecessary.



Originality: 8/15
The plot has been used over and over again, but you made it into something a little different.  You have not mentioned anything about the idol group yet, which gives your story a hint of originality.



Plot: 7/10
The plot itself is fine.  It seems a little choppy at some points, and it moves a bit fast paced, but you’re able to communicate to your readers.  That is important in writing.



Enjoyment: 3/5
What costed you points here was the colored font.  It gets really annoying and hurts the reader’s eyes.  The constants switch of POV is annoying too.  If you want to showcase everyone’s thoughts, feelings, etc, then use third person omniscient.  This means that although you write in third person, you can write about everyone’s feelings and thoughts.



Total: 64/100



Bonus: 3/5


Writing in present tense and sticking with it is hard, but you managed to pull it off.  Good job.



Grand Total: 67/100

General Comments:


Your writing style isn't bad, so don't be discouraged from this review.  Just remember to have a main POV if you write in first person, and to keep your text color black.  Repeating things are unnecessary, so leave that out too.  If you clean these things up, then your writing will improve.  Thank you for requesting, and don't let this review discourage you.