Losing someone is really difficult.

                I can see that in Yong Hwa – oppa’s eyes.  Mourning. Sorrow. Grief. Pain.

                It’s really throbbing seeing Yong – Hwa – so depress but never did I see him cry.

                I can still remember the times Yong Hwa – oppa wouldn’t show up during our dates because Uncle wants to see him, Uncle Yong Jae wants him to do something, there’s something wrong at their house, and other alibis.

                Yeah, he may be lying, but I know that  he had been successively taking care of Uncle Yong Jae whenever the latter is not feeling well.

                Only Yong Hwa – oppa knows about Uncle’s illness that even Tiffany doesn’t know about this. She was really hurt and was furious to oppa for not letting her know. But eventually understands that they only thought that she may worry too much for Uncle.

                Uncle Yong Jae has Colon Cancer.

                So this is the reason why he is not seen during the gatherings lately. He tried therapies but his body wouldn’t respond to any of the treatment that he then decided to stop and just continue living normally which Yong Hwa – oppa understand.

                Yong Hwa – oppa’s  grandparents also know about this and agreed to Uncle Yong Jae’s decision as well.

                Dad was really sad, he was not yet ready to loss a friend, closely a brother. He was also shocked when he knew about it, but with Mom by his side, I know he can take it.

                We are now at the cemetery, the memorial service has ended. The ones left are Tiffany with Joon – oppa consoling by her side, Joon – oppa was continuously rubbing Tiffany’s back.

                Looking at Yong Hwa – oppa again, he was staring wretchedly at his grandfather’s grave.

                I don’t want to see him this way. I feel like I want to grab all the misery he is experiencing and throw it away were he cannot see it no more. Far, far away that he’ll not be able to suffer this sense of agony, that it would be okay if I’ll burden this sorrow, just not this man that I love.

                Thunder rolled.

                I looked up at the sky and noticed that it is gray, like it sympathizes our sadness.

                When tiny droplets started falling, Joon – oppa assist Tiffany to the car that was parked not far away.

                The tiny droplets turned into large droplets, it’s beginning to rain.

                I held Yong Hwa – oppa’s arm to tell him that we need to go.

                But just as I held his arm, he suddenly turned towards me and embraced me tightly.

                And then the rainfall of desolation he had been hiding since the day his father died all of a sudden poured just as the heavy rain sheet down.

                He was crying firmly, sobbing carelessly revealing what he really feels inside.

                “I don’t know what to do,” at last he spoke, but it was helpless.

                “I’m here, oppa....” I spoke crackly and felt that my eyes also sting. I was crying, too. I responded the embrace he gave me, rubbing his back and just letting him cry all the pain he is feeling hoping that it will drain soon.

                We stayed under the rain with that position for I – don’t – know – how – many – hours. It was he who first released the hug and held both my arms with his hand. Then he smiled, I know there is still gloom in his eyes, but at least it was not the same melancholy I’ve seen earlier.

                “Thank’s for always being there when I need you...” he spoke full of sincerity.

---------------------                                        

                A week passed and I haven’t seen oppa, over the week.

                I have read from the Allstarkpop.com that he would be withdrawing from CNBLUE just around an hour ago.

                What is this all about? How can CNBLUE be CNBLUE without him? He is their leader, how can he leave his band mates? I do understand that he was badly hurt when his dad passed away but it doesn’t mean he can’t continue his career anymore.

                I don’t know what to say to him that’s why I refused on calling him.

                Then it ringed me.

                It has something to do with his dad’s busniess, right?

                I know Yong Hwa – oppa is really confused right now and I think he needs me to help him.

                I change into my “usual outfit” and drove off to Yong Hwa – oppa’s apartment, but when I arrived there, a mob was surrounding the main entrance. The news earlier really caught the fans and the media’s attention.

                I was in the middle of deciding on what to do so I can enter the building when my phone beeped.

                It was Yong Hwa – oppa calling.

                “Yoboseyo?” I spoke causally. I really don’t know if I should tell him that I am by his complex or not. But, I’m her girlfriend for all sake.

                “Hyun, why are you here?” he asked blankly. I can’t read if his voice is angry or not.

                “Because I’m not there...” I answered back. Why did I say that?

                “I’m serious...” his voice was really serious.

                “What do you mean here?” I still played dumb.

                “Stop acting like you don’t know what I’m saying. I can see your car parked just in front our building.”

                I did not answer. Should I tell him that I am there to be help him with his problem, that I am a shoulder he can lean on? Or should I say....

                A knock on my window surprised me.

                It was a familiar figure using a bonnet and dark sunglasses. He was smiling.

                So I rolled down my window.

                He smiled at me and spoke. “Why are you here?”

                “Oppa...” is all I can say.

                He pressed the automatic buttons to unlock the door since the window is open then just a few moments he was sitting at my passenger seat.

                We sat like that for a couple of minutes then he sang a song suddenly.

                “I’ve got all that I need, right here in the passenger seat....” he sang the lines.

                “Oppa, why are you so calm?” I asked him.

                “...and I can’t keep my eyes on the road, knowing that she’s inches from me,” he continued singing, acting like he hasn’t heard about my question.

                “Yong – oppa...” I was feeling edgy already.       

                I was grateful that he stopped singing, not that I don’t want to hear him sing, I just want him to answer me.

                “Drive me to the cemetery,” he told me like it is just casual for us to go there.

                I just shook my head gradually and silently followed him thinking that maybe he is not yet ready to tell me what’s inside his mind.

                As we stepped a few inches from his father’s grave, he sat on the grass crossing his legs and tapped his right hand on the vacant “seat” right beside him.

                I sat there and he released a full sigh.

                I gazed at him, he was looking at his father’s grave again.

                “I never thought that I would reach this certain situation that I would choose between music and my family...” he started. He looked at me for a while and continued talking. “I was enjoying my life, not thinking about the others, and that includes my father. When I learned about his sickness, I was really upset because among the thousands of people in the world why does it have to be my father. The time that I knew that he decided not to continue his medication because his body is not responding to any treatments, I ask again, among all the survivors of cancer, why isn’t my father included. Lots of questions run into my head and I nearly became crazy. But I was thankful that you were always there, Hyun. Everytime I see you, you always relieve my stress. You were always a happy pill for me. You’re always there to support me, care for me, and love me.

                “But the depressing period of my life came, Appa died, and when his lawyer read the Last Will Testament, Appa named the company to me. I was really angry to him then, why he died, why he named the company to me knowing that I have a promising career now. He knows that I love music more than anything in this world apart from you...” he looked at me and I just smiled. “I really don’t know what to do, I want to continue working with my band, but the guilt that I am feeling for my father really bothers me. Realizing that it would be a legacy if I would follow Appa’s words, and finally I made the biggest decision of my life...

                “...that is to leave my music and manage my dad’s inheritance.”

                I was not surprised now that oppa would choose his family than any other thing in this world, a family is a family no matter what happens. If I would be in his shoes, I would also do that for I was raise as a respectful child.

                Hearing Yong Hwa – oppa’s love for music I would say it was really hard for him to decide.

                I don’t know what did he tell his band mates, how they turn out to understand him, how they agreed that he’ll withdraw, I know one thing’s for sure, it’s because they care for their leader, they love their music just as much as they love their leader, so they will continuously support his decisions.

                “I will support you, no matter what happens,” I told him as I leaned my head on his shoulder.

                He grabbed me by my waist as he planted a gentle kiss on my lips. It lasted for a few seconds and then I cuddled right beside him.

                “Hyun, the following days will not be easy with us...” he suddenly spoke full of seriousness.

                I sat straight and looked at him in the eyes, like I was about to say, what does he mean to say?

                “I am bound to study abroad to get a degree on Business Management, my flight is scheduled four days from now,” he spoke full of pain.

                Is he leaving me?

                ”I don’t want to leave you but I need to, but I promise you, I will not stop communicating with you, not even an hour, not even a minute, not even a second,” it was like he was reading my mind.

                No way, I wanted to say that but I can’t.

                My eyes burnt as the liquids flow to my cheeks. Yong Hwa – oppa wipe the tears as they continuously flow.

                “Please don’t make it hard for me to leave, Hyun – ah,” he spoke full of worry. “You know how much I also wanted to be with you.”

                I just embrace Yong – oppa and cried the river of tears.

                I don’t want him to leave but it’s the for his family’s affair. I can’t be selfish. I never would be. I bet of the same mind towards his, understanding that it is the best way to continue what have been started.

                We ate our dinner at my house and acted like no conversation about the departure was made. Acting the usual dinners we have but I know deep inside us struggles, knowing that days from now, we’ll be oceans apart from each other, that the only thing that binds us will be our connected hearts.