‘Nine.’

That is the number I said goodbye. Nine times you came back, wondering what the is going on. That is also the number of times you yelled at me. Now what am I doing? I look up at your eyes. The eyes that had been dimmed by me way too many times. ‘Can I tell you a story?’ I ask sincerely. Not expecting that answer, you didn’t respond. 

‘There is this girl. She is beautiful. I first saw her at a fun fair. She was with her friends. I on the other hand was in charge of the ice cream push cart. She barely smiled while her friends laughed at a decibel too loud. The weather was humid. Maybe that is the reason as to why she was feeling all that great. Even though I was scooping cone after cone, cups after cups, my eyes were focused on her. Weird isn’t it? I didn’t even know her. Yet within me, I know I have to talk to her. Maybe I was staring too hard. Maybe I was burning a hole into her. Either way, she turned around. And...it was magical. We saw each other.’ I my lips. Then stared straight into her eyes. ‘I saw you and it is magical.’ I told her honestly. 

‘Sica. It is because I love you so much that I can’t only love you.’ I walk towards her. My feet halted as I came to stand before her. ‘I can be wrong. I can be the biggest moron. However, I can never stand the fact that I may be wrong for you. Just the possibility of my want... ...my need... ...being the cause of you going into the wrong direction...it scares me.’  I clenched my hands into a tight fist as a form of restrain for my tears. 

‘I can believe that I am born this way. I can be convicted that I can’t change. The world can say that I made the wrong choice. I can be so certain but what if I’m mistaken? What if I’m the danger that love was suppose to protect you from. What if I’m the devil that is shutting you away from the angel’s voice? Sica. What If I’m the evil one here?’ My heart wildly beating. I had to pause for a moment. I close my eyes.

‘Why. Why can’t I be sure? I can vow that you are my one. Yet I can’t even say with a slight bit of surety, that our relationship is the correct decision. Why. Why can’t it be like baseball? We can just run all bases. Why can’t us be a standard 4 beat rhythem? Then I would know when to take inhale and exhale. I get those. I get those. Seriously, I do get those. Why can’t I get us? I want us so badly. Why can’t I know the answer? Why is this not as simple? Why is this complicated? Isn’t it suppose to be easy? Isn’t two individuals in love suppose to be together? What is going on? Why can’t I get it? Why.’ The last word became an endless loop. My head cracks and stings as it wraps all its focus into searching for the answer. 

I need an answer. I must have an answer. I should not be doing this to Sica over and over again. This isn’t right. So why? Why? Why? ‘WHY!’ I yelled with all my heart. Desperately hoping that volume will smash through the walls that conceal the answer. 

Suddenly, her arms wraps around my trembling body. Feeling an immense disgust at myself, I pushed her aside and smashed the door behind me. Establishing the barrier between her and I once more. The bell rings. The bell is ringing. I’m ignoring but am crying. This will be it. There isn’t any more. Our pages are completed at page nine.