Shouldn’t Have.

I picked up the empty bottle of mineral water. Wishing that I could let it all slip away again. To lose control and be drunk in the explosiveness of reckless behavior. I heave a sigh. A coward that hangs her head low as I sat across the television playing nothing but the buzz of lost connectivity. Who am I? A single tear rolls down. I close my eyes. Standing at crossroad of trying to save whatever pride I had left or to break down and be one with the purest of pain. 

Conflicted, I placed my head on the cold glass of my coffee table. The right hand that grips tightly at my failed attempt at flushing down the disgust I had for myself. What was I thinking? How could I. The face, that look of disappointment layered with the hurt I had inflicted, is pierces my heart. To fall from grace that sudden, I can only plead that I didn’t shatter all that was built. 

With that moment of desperation, I yanked the screws off our bridge. I must have been insane, Then again, maybe this is just the evolution of my insanity. The ticking bomb of the prim and proper ladies. I’m crashing. No longer do, I see the silver lining in settling. Gambled and burned, this is the sad truth of you and I. 

Tears becoming an endless flow as I gave in to self comforts and pity. I’m pathetic. Are you shattered by my action too? Do you cry like how I am tonight? Will you stare aimlessly at the opposing wall? Pondering why in the world, one who  is so knowledgable could be that same girl who fell to the temptation of stupidity.

Regrets, wishes and hopes, these three factors making me weep like a spoilt brat. A brat who wants to push the blame to only become the victim of her selfish illusion. I want to say confidently that this me who is that much more flawed is due to your presence. That it is you who should be the one charged with the crimes. 

Who am I kidding. I’m the murderer. I spilled red rum over the bricks we stacked with efforts. There was mutual trust and understanding. There was happiness and content. Why did I throw it all away despite being a hundred percent sober? I couldn’t even come up with a worthy candidate for a shaky excuse at my misdemeanor. 

I’m hopeless, lost and suffering from the chills the bucket of cold water. I raise my head. Face littered with the droplets that contains my shame. My mouth dry from the scorching sin that I had imprinted on them. My index forefinger in denial, travels with the trembles of uncertainty as I graze the weapon.

Resting on the intersection between my upper and lower lip, I knew that I had tight rope had snapped with the seal of a kiss. A kiss that was uncalled for. A kiss. That simple touch between two lips that was carried out with a spark. However it was not done in the midst of a burning passion but of a blue flame. The type that is seemingly harmless yet could easily ignite your hell. 

My front teeth punishes one half of my sin. Bitting down harder, I could taste the salty blood slowly seeping out of my lower lip. The plain word of apology, ‘sorry’, consumes my entire mind like a fog. No longer did I even have the space to pray for a second chance. Remorse eats my heart as wish for a time machine. 

If I could go back to then, I would have given you the comforts that you had seek. We would have chatted, talked and laughed. I would ensure all those factors and you would be here smiling. We would both have been appreciative of the strong friendship. Most definitely, I wouldn’t have given in. 

I would not have gone to such a low level being. Taking advantage of your vulnerability, that wouldn’t have been me. Stooping down to the level of despicable, approaching your moment of weakness as a window of opportunity. Basically, I would not have stole those lips. 

‘Sorry.’ I finally breathed out the one word of admitting to my wrongdoing. ‘Sorry.’ I repeated to thin air. ‘Sorry.’ I say one last time, as I crumble down in the room that reeks of how wrong I was. The exit I had force you to, ‘I’m so sorry.’