M.1: Now What?

It was suppose to be a fun day. A day where my hair can flow freely in the winter breeze. A full 24 hours of doing absolutely nothing but what I wish and want. I was suppose to be the queen prior to the excitements of another weekend. Today is friday. Time is 2000 hours. And I am here lying on my bed, cursing at you again. 

Yea I met you again. Yea I act all cool again. Yea I’m still an idiot. Love sick and a puppy of disgusting when I’m facing you. Aish. How bad can this be? I mean this is like no change. Some say the heart broken will have on a rapid flashback of ‘our’ memories. In my weird way, all I could see was one line. The rest within was purely nonexistent. 

One line. One question to be exact. Now What?

I can’t take it. Hence, all I did was sit right back up. You were smiling. Laughing to be exact. That girl beside you. That girl... her name was Yuri right? Your proclaimed bestfriend who I could swear by the name of your God, had a thing for you. ‘Damn catalyst.’ I spat out at the brown wooden floor. 

Christmas lighting up and all. That means it has just passed the 3 year mark of our ending. Am I really stuck at that December’s cold winter? That ugly decoration of boring blue and white lightings held a torch for our ending. Am I piss? Am I missing you? Am I being paranoid about the whole affair? Aren’t I being overboard with this? 

This pent up frustration over what? A mere 10 seconds of seeing you smile. Seeing the smile I let slip by. What was it that I had given you up for? Oh right. I was trying to be a bigger man. I am not even a MAN! I screamed the last word in my head and it echos due to the emptiness within my skull. ‘Argh’ I slammed back down and wiggled my body roughly. Messing up my bed sheaths to add to the untidiness of my mind. 

Once the petty 14 year old within ceased, I went back to look at the ceiling. ‘Are you still who I knew?’ I questioned softly. The burden of uncertainties and unknown is causing me to be smaller. If I am the one who said goodbye, do I have the right to say hello once more? 

My head turns, staring at my cupboard. Finding the exact corner where the beautiful us has been nicely kept at the back in a pink box. Your number long deleted from my mobile but now leisurely keeps occupying my brain. 

Seriously. I let out a sigh. Now what?