Stagnation

You sat me down at the breakwaters. The sun had set, the cold sea breeze blows. I took off my cardigan and covered your legs. You were always one that was easily cold. Looking at me with concern, I replied you gaze with, ‘I’m fine.’ We sat there in silence for a moment. Both just looking out at the tides coming in. Both not exchanging any words. We enjoyed the comfortable silence. Neither of us addressing the issue at hand... ...for now. ‘How long has it been?’ you ask me plainly. Guess the moment had come. ‘On my third year.’ I answer simply. Time has been chipping away at our sugar coat. 

‘You don’t seem to be getting better,’ you state another fact. I nod my head despite none were looking at the other. ‘Somedays it , some days I’m a rock star.’ my response evoked a little giggle. Well, at least I could make you laugh. ‘Yea some rock star.’ you say after your little episode. ‘Well, at least I hold a tune way better than you.’ I teased you and flashed you a cheeky grin. You pouted in respond. For the first time that night I genuinely smiled. 

Then silence fell back between us. The waves crashing onto the shore was playing like the soothing melody in the background. ‘Is it easier? Now that you are back to seeing her on a daily basis once more?’ I turn to face you. ‘You seem awfully determined to touch on this subject.’ I retorted as I tried to avoid the question. ‘You just seem awfully silent about it although you don’t really feel that fine at all.’ You speak clearly with certainty.

As of that moment, you must have been watching my emotions clearly through the crystal ball of a long friendship. ‘I honestly don’t know. Knowing that she is still dating the boy. That same boy that...’ I paused for a moment. How was I supposed to describe him? The good boy that was nice and kind. That took care of her during our period of avoidance. During the time frame where ignoring her was as good as I could do. All cause I couldn’t stand being the one hindering him from Heaven’s gates. Even if she wasn’t exactly the lady that had total faith in him. 

You let me go about my own pace at searching for the right words. You were always patient with me. ‘I mean I was unknowingly a third party in their relationship. Then she chooses him ultimately over me. I guess it just stings. It was like them being together is a source of the reminder that I was most definitely a fool for four days.’ My head tilted to one side, biting my lower lip before letting out a sigh.

‘Does it still hurt?’ You continue with your questioning. ‘I don’t know. All I seem capable of is to identify if I’m fine or not fine. The exact description of emotions is like gone. Maybe I lost the ability to classify.’ I replied to you as straightforwardly as I could. ‘Anyway, aren’t you tired of talking about us?’ I ask you. After all, I have been stagnant for approximately three years now. 

‘Sometimes.’ You honestly say. ‘However, that doesn’t mean I’m not there for you.’ you add on sincerely. I nodded my head. ‘I know. I’m just tired of talking about it.’ I tell you. ‘You know if you ask I would be in your corner right?’ Hearing my vote being counted, I lean my head on your steady shoulder. ‘I know. However, this is between her and I. It has nothing to do with the group.’ I spoke calmly. 

It was your turn to sigh. ‘Don’t take on everything on your own. This is why you only have one group of friends.’ You always knew how to prick me a little at my introverted ways. ‘Yea. I’m an idiot.’ I reply to you by playing along with your subtle tease. 

You suddenly grin at me, ‘maybe you should consider the other side of the field.’ I sat back up straight. ‘If I could, I would rather not stand out too.’ I say indifferently. ‘I pray that a great man will come.’ Upon finishing your line, you quickly interlaced your fingers. I could only smile at your silly ways. 

After that, we spoke about our individual life and basically anything that our tongue found interesting enough to form. To be more exact, it was more like me lending my ear while you rambled on. Watching you go on your unique rampage, I couldn’t help but feel the joy of having you as a friend. Although, there were always people who gave us looks for being such polar opposite. 

You had the social circles and enjoyed meeting new people while I was the one with unwanted attention and a solo social circle. ‘Ah if only I liked you instead.’ I say out of the blue, cutting you off. Your eyes widen at my abrupt interruption. ‘And I would prefer if you didn’t. Though I may not have the best taste in man.’  I had to laugh at your last line. 

‘Yea just like the last dude who made you wear the green cap.’ I managed to say while in the midst of my laughing. ‘YAH!’ you yelled in annoyance and playfully punched me. The conversation continues on with a lighthearted atmosphere. Taking a glance at my watch, ‘come on, I’ll send you home.’ I gently guided you back on your feet. ‘You know you are setting my benchmark for a man overly high.’ I laughed off your statement. 

Despite all that, I still waved her goodbye at her front door. Upon reaching the comfort of my bed after a quick bath, I stretched out my arms. Taking in the soft cushion of my bed, I closed my eyes. Immediately, the ache starts increasing its tempo. No longer can I recall the previous two years that I had to spend in a relationship with her. All that comes into mind is the four days that was a complete flop of me being a human. 

The first day I thought I was given a chance to make things right between us. The second day, I felt things were odd. The third day I learned about the nice boy. Lastly by the fourth day, you apologize then went running to his side. Four days. Four days that were good enough to make me into someone with this magnitude of pathetic. 

The tears no longer came. I had cried for the following fifth, sixth and seventh night. That was the maximum my tear ducts would provide an avenue of relief. That is as far as it went. These days I can only lie on my back and stare at the dark room. Hearing my music playing through my headphones, I stay awake. Only waiting for the tipping point of exhaustion. 

Prior to the second before my heart waved the white flag for tonight, ‘I wish to forget you.’