We Are A Bubble

 

I sat on the edge of my bedroom. My eyes shifted around the room. Sky blue walls, a simple desk with a roller chair, the oak wooden flooring, this is my place. I shut my eyes. I’m back in my comfort zone. Opening them, I noticed the pink rose that had been discarded on the floor. 

 

We are gone. I gaze up at the white face of the wall clock. The wedding bells have changed to play the celebratory music of the newlyweds. I lie back down. Facing the common round glass of the ceiling light. Even with its beam, why does life seem so bleak?

 

Suddenly the door slammed. Startled, I jolt right back up. what I saw was unbelievable. I gulp in fear for this new future.

 

The panting you in an unconventional pink gown that had become a little grey at the end. Your eyes puffy from the tears that were and is ongoing. I wanted to embrace you. To hug you and say it was all alright. I wanted to but was glued down by shock.

 

My mouth had opened to breathe your name however my tongue was futile. So my lips were parted. This whole sight in front of me is puzzling. It was a mess. What is this? How are you here? Are you here because I’m evolved from tears to hallucinations? Am I honestly that lucky?

 

‘YAH~!’ You bend forward as you bellow out your frustrations. The walls capture your majestic volume as the echos brought forth the anguish. When you required oxygen, you squatted down onto the cold floor that I had been walking on in your absence.

 

Your eyes tilted up, staring down my weakness. Tears flowing down, the hearts aching, we shared this moment of all the evidence of my crime flashing in my head. ‘I’m here.’ You said through clenched teeth. I nodded my head in acknowledgement. 

 

With shaky steps and trembling arms, I pulled you in with uncertainty. My hands you hair like the old days. The past where we reside. ‘Kim Taeyeon, I’m in love with you.’ I couldn’t respond. All I did was to pull you in, hugging you tighter. 

 

Silence wraps up the conversation. My shoulder got a little wetter as the clock ticks. My mind blank as I soaked in the warmth of you and I. When you had calmed down, we sat side by side leaning against the bed on the floor. My left hand placed on top of your right. No looks were exchanged. All the two of us saw was the shade of sky blue. 

 

‘How are you going back?’

 

‘Cab.’ 

 

‘Do you want me to send you back? Cabs are hard to come by at such time.’

 

I felt her eyes on me. For a brief moment, it searched for something. Then you stood up. Now towering over me. 

 

‘CABS! FREAKING CABS! I AM HERE ON MY WEDDING DAY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT CABS!’ Calmly, I stood up. I placed a loose strand of hair back in place. Your enraged pupils grew darker. 

 

‘I’ll take you home.’ That must have been the last straw as I catch your right hand in mid  flight. ‘This isn’t your place.’ You snatched your hand out of my grip. ‘We tried, we lost. We faced defeat. There is no forever. We can’t be a we.’ I made your beautiful face stain with tears again. 

 

I hate myself. 

 

With a thumb, I wiped away those unwanted droplets. ‘There is a future you desire. There is a fantasy you had always dreamed of. So let me take you home. Back to the place where I belong at the sidelines.’ You didn’t nod your head. Instead, you faced away. 

 

I take your hand, strapped you in the passenger seat, stepped on the accelerator, driving off. The rear view mirror shows the vaporizing last chance I had that could fulfill what the heart desire. I stepped harder on the pedal. Logic prevailed, the bubble of us totally destroyed by my attempt at giving you all that you want. 

 

The drive was smooth. At your front gate, I eased the car to a halt. ‘Is this...’ I my lips as my eyes looked down in weariness. ‘Yes.’ You nod and opened the door. You walked and never once looked back at my hopeless pair. 

 

Once out of sight, I dialed one on speed dial. ‘Unnie...did things work out?’ I kept silent and pushed back the raging waves. ‘Unnie...’ It wasn’t a clarification if I was still there. It was just a calling out to reach me from my despair. Like a pat on a kid’s head out of pure sympathy that came from love of the child. ‘It hurts.’ My eyes still fixated at the glass door of her lift lobby. 

 

‘I know. Just come home first, alright?’ I nod my head as if Yoong could see. Next, I hang up the call. Staring at the indifferent glass panels before speeding off, I say to you, ‘I’m sorry I love you too.’