Shackles Of The Dream

 

I never knew why I yearn to hold the microphone with such a great passion. I didn’t know why I would stare at the pianist in envy as her fingers magically produces the perfection that I desire to control. With this intense attraction to every single note, pitch and melody, my childhood became the vehicle I used to obtain my love. 

 

Tilting my head up, I see it all. My dream that I strived now being laid out in front. The crowds of people with their sparkling eyes as they enjoyed the music I provide. It was like I have finally achieve what the earlier me so desperately wanted. I am here. 

 

The crowd cheers, the speakers start playing the melody in my name, spotlight on me. This is the pinnacle. What more could I have ask for? Yet as I sang my heart out, I knew how far I was from perfection. The B minors, A flat, D major, all these notes that left my mouth made me disgusted. 

 

‘This isn’t it.’ I mumbled continuously. 

 

My pathetic mind screams. Still being the faithful professional, I in the disgust I felt towards this music I’m robotically producing. The sense of how I have violated my one true love upsets the true me. The me that has been locked behind bars for a crime that it did not commit. The real me doing time cause this coward could not bear to go against the fear of never even having an appreciative audience. 

 

Once the curtain close, my legs robotically carried me to the car. A smile pasted on as I truly thanked all for helping me. Once in the safety of the tinted windows of vehicle, it disappears along with the facade. Heaving heavily, my chest aches, my heart beating with pain. I am exhausted. 

 

All these conflicts. All these lying. I am tired. 

 

I slump down onto the car seat right at the back. I plugged in. Shutting myself from the world. No music flowed through my ears. I couldn’t allow it. I feels like I’m betraying my love. I should be doing time for it instead of basking in its glory. I don’t know. Sighing in frustration I turn to my side and face the black cushions. 

 

Closing my eyes, the black shade of reality vanished from sight. Absolute silence that rides my mind into insanity. The total stillness of the room brings me to the brink of a breakdown. I’m wondering. I’m searching. If this is my pinnacle then is my next step in life my downfall? Why am I doubting, questioning? Why am I on this comfortable bed complaining? Where is my gratitude for living the dream? 

 

The engine starts. I think Oppa said something. I pretended to have the enjoyment of music as I was on a false road to dreamland. I smoothly exhaled the carbon so as not to be discovered of feeling the unnecessary blues. The vehicle stopped. The door nosily slides open. 

 

I didn’t move. All I did was hoped that whoever it was would just take the vacant front row. I wanted to be alone. The car didn’t move. In fact the cold winter air from the outside was still flowing in. Just who is that? Being stubborn for no right reason at all, I refused to acknowledge the discrepancy in this situation. 

 

The door was finally closed as the literal coldness no longer danced with my metaphorical coldness. Damn, my ears picked up on the annoying click that allows one to push down the front seat to get to the back. Suddenly, a strong flick was felt on my forehead. 

 

With the burning sensation, I immediately sat right up. ‘YAH!’ my eyes still closed as I yelled my annoyance at whoever. Before I could identify the culprit, I felt soft lips being pressed onto my forehead. ‘I rather you yell then be on a silent protest,’ she calmly states before meeting my gaze. 

 

Gently, I pushed her. She scoff and sat down beside me. ‘Oppa?’ I asked. ‘Ice cream.’ She states as she adjusted her shirt. ‘Thanks.’ I said as I faced the window. She only nods her head. She neither probes on further nor spoke another word. All she did was lean her head on my lap. 

 

She didn’t look at me. I, on the other hand shifted her fringe slightly so that it wouldn’t irritate her eyes. ‘Thanks.’ she says softly the moment my hand was done. ‘I’m fine.’ Instead of a verbal acknowledgment, she pats my shin. I heaved out a sigh. I wonder if she is taking my words seriously. 

 

Oppa got in and the car moved on once more. We stayed in that position. I peeked once to check if she had fell asleep. When finding out that she did, the true smile creeped up onto my face. The journey continued on. This time round my head at peace as I looked outside the window. 

 

‘We’re here.’ I nodded my head at Oppa’s announcement. Seeing her still asleep, he slipped out of the car after reminding me to lock up when we are done. It was only then did I pressed play on my ipod. As the music delicately fills my inner soul, I shut my eyes to enjoy the sounds of true music. 

 

After some time, her small frame stirred a little. She turned and looked up at me. Touching my chin lightly, she heaves a sigh. ‘If you keep on being this sweet to me what am I to tell him?’ I decided against looking away. That question of hers made us land at the foot of the unwanted topic. 

 

‘I’m fine.’ I heard her giggle a little at my obvious lie. Her finger now playfully poking my chin. ‘That is your personal brand of contradicting respond,’ she points out. Now her fingers paused at a spot of my chin. I swept away the finger. 

 

‘Lets go.’ I say to dismiss her revelation. Instead of moving up, she pulls our lips dangerously close to one another. ‘Don’t,’ I murmured out. ‘Why?’ She asks innocently at her far from innocent action. ‘Him.’ My heart aches a little at the acknowledgement of him in my head. 

 

‘You’re upset.’ Her simple reasoning makes my heart gain another scar. ‘With myself, it has nothing to do with or about you.’ My breathe fanning against her lips as I spoke the truth. ‘I know.’ She doesn’t move away but pulls us to barely an inch apart. ‘Please.’ I didn’t know for what am I pleading for. 

 

She hugs me tightly, somehow knowing that that is my preferred answer. Then she pulls us apart. ‘Smile more.’ I nod my head at her because that is all I can do. ‘I love you.’ The forbidden three words leaves her lips. I turn away. Not due to I was disgusted at her open actions of toying with me, but as I couldn’t bear to look at her. 

 

That night as the skies had darken, I knew why the view at the top had changed. I turn on my side as I face the sleeping beauty once more. I’m at the peak, just that I had a change of mind. The seventh heaven that I seek for is now behind the closed gates of disallowed foul plays. In addition, this top that I resides on gave me the front row experience of too close for comfort. All I am is in the righteous shackles of my initial dream, holding me back from a sinner’s playground.