Nothing used to be something, possibly everything.

Things fall apart. Some cracks nicely in halves, without any splinters, some  shatters and forms the outlines of the ugliest spiderwebs. In summary, all that can be formed is all that can be broken. With no such thing as perfection, we only can hold on dearly to nothing. 

I reach out my arm. Open palm facing the rays of the sun. It is like I could feel it. It was like .... ... nothing is something. Maybe those not formed implies that one is unstable. One that is unable to continue on. Like how do one walk if the right cannot be followed by the left? If you were my better half, then with you coldly walking away, has left me limping in reality while still hoping around like that silly puppy with affection for its owner. 

‘Am I insane?’ I muttered towards nothing. Defeated, my arm falls. Closing my eyes as the tangibles bask in the sun’s glory while the intangibles burns under the heat. Opening them again, I wonder why I had let myself lose control? Then, proceeded to ponder if time is my friend or enemy. Next deciphering if my own memories is of substance or simply made up of false perceptions. Wrapping things up, I concluded that not one thing has a clear cut answer. With my clouded mind and deceiving heart, all that I truly have is the indifferent breathing that I was performing. 

Standing up, my body was stable by the firm structure of my legs. Inside, the bruises and scars lies there nonchalantly in protest of normalcy. With each step I took, I felt heavy. Yet contradictorily, I knew that within me I am hollow. 

Love has made me messed up. Cupid became the wizard of misfires and God paved one special path for me to realize that girl and girl will not be something. Damn, I am an ungrateful blamer. 

My hand runs through my hair. Maybe I should seek professional help. Dear doctor, will you assist in mending this broken heart? I laughed internally at myself. As if I needed further evidence of why I should be hell bound, I lie. I will most likely just shag her and let the ty short lived high take me into its sweet realm of deception. 

Seems like I had things wrongly stated. I am not hollow. I am simply shallow. Funny how both rhymes. I would have laughed out loud at my pathetic sense of humor, however sitting beside the downcast face of an office lady made me mimic her expression of life . I mean who am I to disagree. Life , pity I don’t have the drugs on me now. Someone just say it already, I am so chronically ed. 

Letting out a sigh, as my feet touches the hard ground. The bus moves off without sparing a second thought. I didn’t turn to watch it go. I only listened to how it moved on. Somehow, that speaks to me. Not literally but in a sense that ‘hey I get that’. Guess you have left a mark. I can confidently announced that your teachings has been throughly understood. The motion of going is encrypted in my brain in full depth. 

Taking these familiar steps that we once shared, I can only feel the weight of lost. So this is nothing. My steps paused. Slowly, my eyes captured my surroundings objects of buildings, plants and gravel. Indeed, they are inhuman. Evoking reminiscing and promptly reminding me of the nothing that used to be something. 

The something that most probably is still my everything. Hence, the million dollar question, how does one pass the verdict of forgetting everything but the remembering of the event’s emotions. Your features, your laughter, your voice, your smile, you. In my mind, you are a mere silhouette. One that is of a light grey shade. 

If I can’t recall you, then why do the tears fall? Why does the heart aches? Who am I to feel the emptiness for a blurred image in my head? Like a gradual wave, I am parting with all of you, step by step. Soon, maybe the recollection of you will also come up empty. Recalling you, will be as flawless as a blank piece of nothing. You were my everything yet now, now I am predicting that one day you will be nothing. 

Harsh. Cold. Cruel. This is the place we reside in. Pardon me, this is the place I reside in. Taking off my shoes, I step into my small apartment. It used to be the centre of warmth. As of awhile, it has become somewhat more like an empty stomach. Moving into the kitchen, I calmly took out the tub of Ben & Jerry’s. 

Glancing at the cover, I put it back into the refrigerator. Heading into my room then lying on my bed. I look up at the ceiling lamp. ‘Maybe I need a replacement.’ I said to it. Like since I somehow feel like the sun’s warmth has left me, maybe I just need a ceiling lamp. The kind of artificial warmth. At least, it is still a provider of warmth. On board the train-wreck, I agreed with my support for the artificial. 

The ability to have something of the appointed everything seems ten folds better than nothing. I turn on my side. ‘Who am I kidding?’ I whispered. Behind the heavy lids, the brain smirks as your features, your laughter, your voice, your smile, our memories floods in.