Lu Han didn't like how much of a messed-up knot of confusion and fear he was being. Staring up at your painting, with his arms behind his head, he took this time to ponder over his relationship with you. The two of you were just so tight, a bit more than just siblings, but less than lovers--somewhere in between; calling each other best friends was not right either, because the both of you knew--or at least, he thought that you felt the same way--that you were beyond that stage. You understood each other, you both knew what made the other tick, what made the other laugh, what games he liked to play, you liked to play.

Everything.

He grimaced though, as he thought of that one thing he absolutely had no idea of: your past. Whenever the two of you chatted about the day's events--be it about the girls who asked you out or the girls who asked you to ask him out or your tiring mini field-work or how you and Kris made the weirdest research partners--you were so open. Although you weren't much of a talker in the presence of everyone else, you enjoyed telling him about your day. You were so open to him that he just couldn't understand why you never talked about your past and why he knew nothing about your life before being his roommate. You would drop little hints--but that itself was a rare occurrence. You were never quite the chatter-box, always listening intently to him and his friends as they talked about their high school life. The only time you'd actually say anything was when one of them asked you. Even then, your answers were curt, ambiguous, and generic--hiding any bit of vital information. It frustrated Lu Han to know that he couldn't even try to piece them together since they were so scarce.

He hated how secretive you were. 

Was your past marked by a traumatic experience? Possibly not, because there were no signs of distraught. Then again, weren't your phobias proof enough of something painful in the past? Lu Han shook his head and sighed. He really could not tell. You were so good in keeping things clandestine, masking whatever it was you kept, with an impassive expression which could never be used to predict your actions or thoughts. You were so unreadable, it was frustrating. And it practically drove him nuts. 

All right, so maybe, he didn't know everything about you: who and how you were in the past was a mystery, and why you were the way you were right now was equally unfathomable.

"Why can't you just open up to me?" he mumbled to no one in particular, seeing as he was alone in his and your room right now. You were off with Tao again, he presumed, doing who-knows what. This time, however, you were kind enough to leave a note on his bedside table, assuring him that you'll be back by ten, just after breakfast. It was another lonely start to his day, despite the combined efforts of Se Hun, Myung Soo and some others from the dorm, to cheer Lu Han up. Breakfast was, for the others, hearty and lively as everyone but Lu Han discussed about the upcoming dormitory sports festival. It was an annual event that the dorm council held in order to instill unity among the dormers, and also to see if the Freshmen have finally adapted to dorm life. And while everyone else chatted away, Lu Han ate his porridge with disinterest, consuming only a few spoonfuls before retiring upstairs.

"Don't follow me, Se Hun," he told the maknae before locking himself up in the room.

His thoughts returned to you, and how many secrets you were hiding. "Why can't you just tell me everything I need to know about you?" he repeated, intensely gazing at your illustrated version. Lu Han bitterly laughed to himself, realizing that he's been forcing you to do something that he himself could not do. "Who am I kidding? I'm the coward. Why can't I just say it to you, for goodness' sake?"

"I love you," he said. Your painting, of course, did not respond, looking back at him with piercing eyes that resembled yours.

They were three, simple words, and yet, he couldn't say them to you.

Lu Han was scared. It was so obvious that you wouldn't reciprocate his feelings. It was just so damn obvious that it scared the out of him and has been hindering him from successfully courting and confessing to you. Simply put, he feared rejection. It was no wonder, however, because Lu Han was so used to others' approval and acceptance. When it came to dating, he was the one doing the rejecting, although he wasn't good at it either. Because he's never experienced it before, he most certainly did not want others to experience it, so the girls who declared their love for him always got a consolation prize: a date, be it oversimplified such as getting some street food, or fancy if that's what the girl really wanted. Lu Han did not have the heart to reject others, that's why he couldn't bear to think of being rejected by you.

He was weak. Physically, he was strong; his beautiful face did well to betray his true strength as an athlete and as a fighter. Emotionally, however, Lu Han was unstable. Whenever he was with you, he felt like he would have a mental breakdown any minute. Seeing you act all chummy with the others was painful, even if they were his brothers, and you treated them the same. What hurt the most, however, was when you would give special attention to Tao and Se Hun, despite your self-proclaimed hatred for children. Unfortunately, you never noticed the way Lu Han's hands would grow sweaty, the way he gulped several times, or the way his porcelain cheeks were tainted with a nice shade of carnation. You never noticed any of those; you were always caught up with either making fun of him, or talking with another member of EXO.

It irritated Lu Han. For someone who performed profiling with ease, you were so naive and clueless about his feelings for you. You were such a tomboy, and this obliviousness was probably brought about by how you thought that no boy would ever like a girl such as yourself. You were blind to the way his eyes looked over at you with such tenderness. You were so blind. However, Lu Han felt that he, too, was blind for falling in love with a heartless, misanthropic tomboy.    

Lu Han sighed again, letting his mind wander off to whatever aspect of his life he should ponder about next.

Then he thought of the future.

This was how he wanted his life to be like five years from now: you and he would be a happy couple living under one roof, most likely an apartment--cozy and just right for the two of you. By then, you would have realized that Lu Han was the only person whom you could touch, and who could touch you in return. You would have also accepted the fact that he was the guy in the relationship, and not you.

As with other couples, both of you shared a bed, and each night, you would cuddle together, and wake up in each other's arms. In the morning, he would be the one to prepare breakfast because your culinary skills were still not good enough. To remedy that, however, he would teach you on the weekends, and you would prepare lunch together.

Twice a month, you two would go out. He imagined that you would refuse because you did not want to spend, but he would insist, and you would have no choice but to follow your lover's request.

Oh, yes, you two would be called lovers. Not roommates, not siblings, not best friends--lovers.

It wouldn't be a romantic date, though, because you would have still retained your sense of manliness, and you would still prefer something exciting and crazy. At the end of the date, you two would go home, and kiss each other to sleep.

Lu Han blushed at his own imagination. That was too idealistic, and again, he laughed at himself for being so foolish. That would never happen because, one: you were too much of a boy. Lu Han would always be the girl--always, no matter how manly he really was. He might have the face of an angel, but his body was one hundred and one percent man. Despite all that, however, you would forever be the dominating persona, giving off a strong aura that defeated his. 

And two: you did not feel the same way. Simple as that.

Who's to say that, though? You said it yourself, she's too hard to read. And besides, you haven't even confessed yet. Let her know, man, let her know.

Lu Han blinked, surprised to 'hear' such words from his conscience. Was his conscience actually encouraging him? Wow, that's a first.

Put some faith in me, Lu Han.

But Lu Han profusely shook his head, and any more thoughts of weird consciences, idyllic futures, and of you disappeared into the abyss as exhaustion took over his entire being. His body felt weary and his brain was going to shut down in a few moments.

All this confusion and frustration had made him frazzled. And without even realizing it, Lu Han drifted to sleep.

Hours later, he woke up to find you smiling down at him, chuckling at how much of a lazy- he was.

"It's only ten, and yet you've already had your first nap. You're such a bed-potato," you said, grabbing the note you left for him, and neatly folding it into two. "Now, up, sleepyhead! Don't you have a project to do?"

Your voice sounded like it wasn't real. Still half-asleep, Lu Han didn't know whether or not he was hallucinating. His questions were answered, however, when you took hold of his shirt's hem, and tugged on it, signaling for him to sit up and be a responsible student.

"Come on, man, isn't it due two days from now?"

Lu Han blinked, finally adjusting to his surroundings and getting rid of slumber's haze. He sat up, looking  at your eyes as you watched him wake himself up. You chuckled at his child-like form as he rubbed his big, round eyes. "I'm awake," he mumbled, yawning. "I'm awake, don't worry." Another yawn.

"Okay, Lu Han, I believe you," you said, then proceeded to the bathroom, locking the door behind you.

As Lu Han stared at the tiny bathroom's white door, your pleasant scent wafting through the air, he realized that he hadn't dreamt of anything during his nap. He knew why, though: because even if it hurt sometimes, reality was much, much better. 

Author's Note:

Hi, all! 

Honestly, I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this chapter. Most of the chapters so far are all about action or events in their lives; I realized that there are so few that focus on how characters feel. So, yes, this chapter is that :))

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed Part 10.1 of The Beach. It's just the beginning I tell you!

Again, thanks for reading, subscribing and commenting! 

Please do comment! 

AND HOORAH, it's the 75th chapter! :)) 

Till next time! 

P.S. Did you notice? This chapter is similar to Week 2: Dreams of Countdown! Parallelism right there! :))