To My Handsome Roommate,

I know how frank you want things to be, so I will cut to the chase.

Wo Ai Ni.

I have, for almost four years now, been hopelessly in love with you. Don’t ask how it happened; one day, I just suddenly realized that I liked you in a romantic way. Kris and Xiumin claimed that they were the first to notice, and have known about my feelings for you even before I understood them myself. They said that it became apparent when, in our Freshman year, you fell asleep on my bed after an all-nighter you pulled off, studying for an exam.

Do you remember that? I didn’t kick you out of my bed, and, instead, I slept on yours. That was also the first time I noticed how lovely your scent was: a mixture of peaches, strawberries, watermelons, lavender and rosemary. Surprisingly, I woke up before you did, and I watched you open your eyes, groggily sit up, rub your eyes and wonder why you were on my bed.

It wasn’t until the last few months of our Freshman year did I realize that what I felt for you was not something that friends felt for each other. I refused to believe it at first, because I very well knew my preference for girls, and you weren’t exactly what I could classify as someone who belonged to my type.

It was in our second year, when my first love came to mend our relationship, that I understood how precious you were to me, and how much I loved you.

You .

You really , man.

Because the next two years were filled with jealousy, desperation, anger and a lot of missed opportunities to get anything out of you, to hear any clue as to what you felt for me. I was in turmoil, and I felt like I was stuck in a vortex of emotions that spun me rapidly, controlling all of my actions. 

And guess what? You were the cause of it all.

In our third year, when you first met Tao, I knew immediately that he had taken a liking to you. The look in his eyes told me so, because Tao has never gazed at someone with so much admiration before. I shoved the jealousy that had started to eat at me away, and tried to convince myself that Tao only liked you because he finally had a Noona to look up to. That misconception was quickly deleted when I saw the way he grinned and waved at you during that one competition.

 I hate you, because you let him and Se Hun be so close to you, and you act as if it’s just so peachy for Tao to flirt with you. My only consolation was the mere fact that you treated him like your little brother, although, as I would soon find out,  you were so intimate with him. I saw how you two held hands together, with him prancing and saying how much he loved you. I apologized profusely to Xiumin that day—I gave him so many bruises that our Baozi was no longer a baozi; he was as brown as a mooncake.

And then there was Taemin. I’m not even going to touch that topic in fear that I might say or write something dreadfully offensive against him, and you would have my head (because, to my dismay, you just love him so much).

But I have to let this out: when we met Taemin and his gang while we were in the beach, the pain I felt was like no other. I totally sound like a school girl for saying this, but the truth is this: I felt like I would break down and just beg you to love me, to look only at me, and to forget your phobias and your pet-peeves, so I could hold you. And when you willingly hugged Taemin, calling him nicknames that only couples use on each other, I wanted to scream out that you were mine.

But you weren’t, so I didn’t say anything.

Oh, god, now I just want to kill myself for giving you the most embarrassing confession in the entire universe.

However, I’m being sincere, all right? So laugh all you want—that’s okay, I’ve done more foolish things in front of you, anyway. At least you know that everything is wholeheartedly said, and I am being earnest with you.

Do you know how cute you are? Well, you’re not the typical cute that most girls exude—with their veneered aegyo and all—but you’re just so adorable when you forget that you’re a tomboy, and remember that you’re still a girl. And when you showed us that smile, I just had to go and ruin the moment—but only because I just felt so happy to see something as rare as that, even though it hurt me to know that it was reserved for SHINee.

Still, for you to give us that smile meant that we were special, right? And that just made my day, and strengthened my resolve to make you love me.

A day will come that that smile would only be for me.

I fell for you, and I fell for you hard—rock-bottom, actually. Everyone in EXO knows, although I’ve never really told them. They’ve been supporting me ever since Kris and Xiumin disclosed the information (although there was that one issue with Tao). I feel so bad; did you know that some of them liked you? They had to give that up, because they saw how much I loved you. I still feel guilty for indirectly forcing them to do what they did, and they’ve given me so many chances to be with you, but I went ahead and wrecked them.

I guess I just wasn’t good at showing you how much I loved you. The green-eyed monster always struck me before Cupid could give me his strength to capture your heart, so I ended up being a storm of raging jealousy all the time.

Kris told you that I dated a lot of girls in high school, right? That was because I wanted to take my mind off my girlfriend who so cruelly stabbed by poor heart and betrayed my trust. Plus, because I’ve been so shy all my life, I wanted to be more adventurous; furthermore, I just didn’t have the heart to say no to the girls who went through all the trouble to confess to me.

In college, I dated twice as many girls. You should know; you’ve been boasting that you could recite each one of them, right?

I’ll tell you a secret: at first, I just wanted to make you jealous, but as time passed and you did not react whatsoever, I realized that my tactics were a failure. Despite that, I continued to go out with girls, but this time, because of a different reason. I found out that it was the only way to comfort myself. By the time we were in third year, I felt so unsure of our relationship. I loved you, but I was scared that you wouldn’t reciprocate, and from the looks of it, it was likely that you didn’t. It was fake comfort, really, because I was lying to myself when I said that I would, one way or another, meet a girl whom I would love more.

It didn’t happen. In the end, my heart would come back running to you, and I fell deeper.

But still, no signs from you.

I hate you, did you know that? You say things that would make me feel special, but I can’t tell if you’re being honest or you were simply playing, joking around—like how you usually did when you’re with the twelve of us. This was so unfair. You know almost everything about me, and yet I can’t say the same for you. You’re so unpredictable, and when you show that poker face of yours that is so devoid of emotion, I can’t help but cry a little inside because I don’t know what you want, what you expect, what you feel.

I want you to love me.

I want you to tell me that you love me.

I want to be with you.

For the rest of my life.

And I want to be the only person whom you will allow to touch you, kiss you, hug you.

I’ve been loving you for almost four years now, and I wanted to just surrender and give up so many times.

But I didn’t, because I love you so much.

We’re graduating soon. That means that I only have a few months left to make you mine. I’m afraid of leaving college without ever telling you my feelings. I’m so scared that my teeth are chattering, my heart is racing, and my mind is going bonkers.

I’m so frightened of the possibility we will go on our separate ways, and forget everything that’s happened while we were roommates. I am terrified that I will merely be a portion of your past that will no longer hold any significance to you when you step out into a new world. 

I’m so scared of drifting apart, and I want to bawl my eyes out, just thinking about it.

I can’t imagine what life would be like without you, that’s why I need you with me, in my future.

This letter is so scrambled up, it’s funny, but I want you to know everything that I’ve felt these past few years, because I feel like that’s the only way for you to realize that I’m not joking, and I’m being serious.

And no matter how awkward it gets, and how queasy you might feel like, I’ll say it again and again:

I love you.

Saranghae.

Wo Ai Ni.

I love you too much to let you go.

Lu Han read through his draft once more, making sure that everything he wanted to say was there. He didn’t know what came over him, when he just suddenly arrived in the library and typed away all his feelings for you. He just wanted to get it out of his chest, and this was the only way he knew how. As old-fashioned as it may seem, writing a love letter seemed to be the only thing that consoled his current state of mind, body, and heart.

But the painful churning in his stomach made Lu Han nervous, and hesitant about the whole ordeal. You and he were so open with each other about your belongings, and the two of you had your laptops connected in a network.

Lu Han clicks the “Exit” button of the word processing program, and a dialogue box comes up, asking him if he should save the new document or not.

Lu Han’s fingers twitch as he navigates his cursor to the box.

He can’t take the risk of letting you see this, so Lu Han presses the “No” option, and his feelings go down the drain, never to be seen again.

Author's Note:

WHOAH, I am on a roll~ Third update. Hoorah! :-) Just a little gift for all of you since I have classes tomorrow~

Anyway, another angsty chapter, because I just love angsty LuLu <3

And now, I feel like going to him and hugging him and comforting him and just telling him how much that girl loves him. >V<

Once again, thanks for reading subscribing and commenting! To my new subscribers, I'm sorry if I haven't personally posted on your wall, but due to my busy schedule, I can't do it anymore T.T

Remember to comment and tell me what you think! Your comments make me happy.

Also, it seems like everyone wants EXO to win! :)) And I don't blame any of you, because this is the perfect opportunity for LuLu to show her what he's got! Go Team EXO WHOOT! But at the same time, I also want SHINee to win because...well, I just love them so much. SHINee is like my ultimate kpop bias; I'm sorry, EXO T.T I'm so 50/50 :))

Thank you, and see you next time!