Your brows raise in discomfort as you came face to face with the one and only Huang Zi Tao. While your expression did not fail to show your annoyance, his did not betray his mischievousness. He blinked slowly, and you squirm under his scrutiny. You inched backwards, until your shoulders hit the base of the couch, but your every movement was mimicked by the curious boy. 

“Noona, what’s your ideal man like?” he asks, his voice every bit of honey and sugar and evilness. 

The question surprised everyone in the room. Lu Han stopped his game of Temple Run to look at you; Kris dropped the game controller, letting his virtual racecar swerve to the right and crash; and Suho and Sehun suddenly shut up from cheering for Kris.

You continue to stare at Tao with an incredulous face. You ponder how you should approach his question. your lips, you gingerly and slowly reply,  “I don’t have an ideal type. I hate people, remember?” And with that, you resumed eating your cheese curls, ultimately ending the conversation between you and Tao.

But for everyone else, there was more to that conversation. And they wanted to hear you say a real answer.

“Aw, come on,” Tao cooed, “At least give us something worth listening to, Noona~” And he crawled towards you, bobbing his head to the side for another aegyo effect.

You threw two cheese curls at him. “Any closer and I will make sure you won't ever be seeing a Tao junior."

"So much hate," you hear Kris whisper. 

"Well, I do have a lot of hatred for humankind," you tell him as a matter of fact. You return to Tao, who has finally backed far away enough to give you some space. He has his lips jutted out in disappointment, but you know it's just an act. 

“Simply put, I’m not interested in those things. There's really no more reason to delve into it any further." 

“You’re twenty-two, you know. Isn’t it about time you start liking someone?” Lu Han pitched in. He set the iPad aside, and sat next to you on the floor. “You’ve never dated anyone, right? And I bet you’ve never even had a crush on someone.”

You stared straight into his eyes. Why did it seem like everyone was extra nosy today? Sure, an almost obsessive curiosity on your personal life plagued the members of EXO on a daily basis, but today was a different story. Normally, they let you go once you told them ambiguous answers, signaling the fact that you did not want to share anything. Today, however, seemed like no escape for you. So instead, you chose to do the next best thing: attack this topic with a poker face, and deal with it casually--just as you always have in any other situation that questioned your seemingly ambiguous orientation.

“What's not to understand about 'I hate people so I'm not interested'? Not worth my time, you know? I'd rather spend my entire life looking at rocks.” You grab a cheesecurl and pop it into your mouth. Your roommate, on the other hand, seems to be a bit more fazed than what you expected. His lips were pursed and he seemed to have taken a weird interest at the carpeted floor. 

“And you, Lu Han, why do you date? Don't you think you have something more important to do, say, your essay? Or your project? Or practice for your finals? Or practice for your competition?” You smirked, seeing the sour expression that instantly painted his face. Lu Han's misery was your happiness. 

But alas, sweet victory was not yours, not when your love life--or lack thereof--was such a hot topic. And what was worse than one curiouser* roommate? Three curiouser dongsaengs, of course.

“Noona,” Se Hun sat on the coffee table, directly in front of you, “I've always thought that any guy you'd deem date-able is either extremely lucky or extremely lucky. So I want to find out if there really is such a lucky guy." Although Se Hun gives you one of his famous eye-smiles, his flushed cheeks tell you that he's also pretty embarrassed about what he just said. 

"Well then, I'm telling you now, no person will be lucky enough." 

"Now, now," Suho hums, giving the disappointed Se Hun a pat on the back, "I think if we probe even further, we'll only have ourselves killed, so why don't we paraphrase the question a bit? Noona, which qualities of a person are important to you? You're not the most sociable person--"

"Thanks for pointing that out, Suho."

Suho gives you a sugary sweet smile, "No problem. Anyway, what kind of qualities would make you think, 'Ah, that person is someone I can tolerate and can become friends with'." 

"Hm, that's a weird way to put it, seeing as all of you, whom I suppose I can consider as friends--"

"Ouch. So our friendship is based on an obligation?" Kris says, feigning pain. 

"--Are so diverse that it makes it look like I can become friends with absolutely anyone. Which is far far far from the truth. But I guess..." you pause, "Nah. Never mind. You all go back to being busy." You wave your hand at them, shooing them away. But none of them even attempt to move.

"Just answer the damn question," Lu Han huffs, crossing his arms. "It's not like it's going to hurt you or anyone if you can become honest--even just this once."

Oh, snap, looks like Lu Han snapped.

“Fine,” you sighed, giving in. You your lips, savoring the fine taste of cheese powder. Was this what being cornered tasted like? 

"Well, I've always thought that if there was a person I could get along with immediately, it'd be someone who's easy to talk with. Perhaps someone who doesn't mind my potty mouth or my lack of social skills. And..." you clear your throat. "I've always wanted to make more girl friends. Back at home, all the girls were either scared of me, or confessing to me."

It was silent for a few seconds. It made you nervous, honestly, but there was no way you were going to show it.

"Well, that was unexpected. Are you sure you're not looking for a girl-no space-friend?" Kris teases. Your respond by glaring daggers at him. Kris falters at your gaze, and takes a step back, "I'm joking, I'm joking!"

"So in short, you want the presence of someone girly?" Se Hun quips. 

"Now that's oversimplifying things. It's...It's kind of hard to explain, but--"

"Hey, I know!" Tao exclaims, jumping up, "It's so easy! I've got it figured out, Noona!" Everyone scrunches their eyebrows. What is this child saying? "What kind of guy you'd like!"

"Ha? Weren't you listening, I said--"

"You want a guy who's like a girl!" 

...

"How the hell did you come up with that conclusion?" Everyone seemed to think the same. 

"In short," 

"Tao, how the hell did you--"

"It's Lu Han-ge!" 

Croo. Croo.

You stand up, take the bowl of cheesecurls, and dump everything onto Tao's head. 


And this incident was never talked about. Ever again.

(Although the red stain on Lu Han's cheeks is a different story. One that you can use to blackmail him.)