Review for Our Secret| Story by theshadowknight_

Review written by exoticbabylove

I loved that poem in the description. It was mysterious, eerie and attractive. It caught my eyes as it sounded exactly like a nursery rythme, this got me admiring the fact that you can write great poems. The poem attracted readers instead of giving the whole story-line away. It gave off some vague ideas about what will happen in the future chapters like the lunatic. So, I'll be on my guard to 'catch' that lunatic in the story before you reveal who is that. Since the description was so perfectly-written, (let me tell you. I absolutely love poemic descriptions), I started reading it numerous times. However, I found out a sentence that was awkwardly-structured. Okay, since I am so intrigued in poems, I had read some advises and information about them.

Let's look at this sentence though:

Original: "You definitely cannot share..."

Okay, call me paranoid or anything, but I just want to poem to flow in a better manner and sparkles in those words. So, I always thought that poems should be fast and not draggy. I personally think that the 'cannot' is slowing down the flow that the poem should have. Poems should be fast. It should give off that 'train' that is rushing to the next station, instead of a 'car' that is on a journey. That car is an example on how normal writers write without that poem effect.

So, what I am saying, is you should use the short form of 'cannot'.

Edited Version: "You definitely can't share..."

I have to compliment you on how you ended the poem, so writers end their poemic-description awkwardly but you didn't so great job!

The short prologue that you have written in the foreword was great. Since it sounded so melancholy and dark. It seriously caught my attention as I wanted to understand what was that odd secret and how they had face death right in their eyes.

I have to say that I love the plot. The setting that the story took place at was great. It was in a dystopia instead of a great environment were everything is perfect. By reading the story, I can see how selfish humans are, their ego and their impartialness. It really gave me a great insight of the world in a dark way. 

I wouldn't say that this is unique as you got some inspiration from story books as well as movies. Let's take the example of Hansel and Gretel, I admire the fact that you took that oppurtunity to 'carve' each letters of their names as a intial for each chapter. That was clever and unique my friend. 

Another inspiration for your story would be Taylor Swift's Safe and Sound, right? So, when you wrote in Chapter 1 about how Baekhyun started singing to his beloved sister. I thought the song was written by you since you did a great job in the description. Then, I started reading the song lyrics and a thought came up in my mind.

"Hey, the lyrics sounds familiar. Oh! It's Taylor's Safe and Sound."

You're a Swiftie, okay I'm just kidding. Let's get back to business. Personally, I found that song a great choice since it really reflected on the circumstances the Byun siblings are experiencing currently.

I'm glad that you changed some parts of the story so that it will not be the same as Hansel and Gretel. You changed that evil witch into a serial male killer. That's creative though so there is actually some parts of the plot that can be considered as original.

This will be one of the criteria that I will look into the most as this story is for a contest entry and they will be judging on this. So, I stumbled onto a sentence strucutre error while reading. Let's have a look at it.

Original: "Strings of voices drifted in from outside the room through the crack of the door."

As you can see, I didn't like how three of these words were stuck together side-by-side, this resulted in an awkward sentence structure. For me, I will try to cut this