Initially, when I spotted your title, it was rather long and lengthy for my liking. So, honestly if I had seen this title in the latest updated fanfics, I will not read it. I have to apologise sincerely if this sounds critical as you have to understand a reader's opinion; we are picky. I do have to give you some tips for a good title, to strive for a striking one. There must be a unique word or adjective in there to catch the reader's attention. So, if I take a comparison with your title, it is too plain thus it doesn't give off that interesting look. The reason is because there is no adjective or cool words in the title, let's add the length in too. So, keep all these in mind when you create a new story. Try harder, you can do it!

So, I did noticed that you were trying to correct all the grammar mistakes that you have made; you mentioned that in the subscribers feed. Great job there, I do admire your attitude for writing. It seems serious and you sure are hardworking. I can see that you are willing to learn so let me mention some opinions and thoughts I had when I was reading your story; I will be focusing on many pointers here so let's get started. Even though, you corrected your grammar mistakes; there is still a root problem in your story. The story sounds awkward and weird; it did make me feel uncomfortable reading them. Why? There is something wrong with your sentence structure and they do not make any sense to most readers and they will feel lost. Let me show you an example so that you will understand what I meant.

Original:"She wants to keep the shining light to herself but she's  dirty, so she thinks the light won't stay with her and will leave her alone in the darkness, suffering to death." 

This was copied directly from your foreword so I didn't make any changes in it. Do you notice that after reading this long sentence several times; it sounds weird? I do have this feeling and you should learn how to structure them properly. Let's look at the place where you said this 'to herself but she's dirty'. I did make me lost and start thinking. You have to be specific, what did you exactly mean by saying that the girl was 'dirty'? Was she literally dirty?

As in having stains of mud on her old shirt or that dirty? The one where it revolves over and stuff like that? It was confusing; I don't know if you were trying to make the reader question themselves or where you merely being un-specific? So, it was hard to tell and the main thing I would like to say is to be specific.

The next thing I have to talk about for your writing style is that you have a bad habit of writing too much 'just' and it was distracting for me. Personally, when I read, I do wish that the writer will not repeat their words a lot as it may cause the story to sound boring and dampens the story mood. I can't possibly copy and paste your whole story out and highlight those repeated words out for you so you have to take time by re-reading the story to replace those repeated words. Another tip is that when you can't find a word that can replace the repeated one; try removing it. Let's take 'just' for example, even if you remove it, the story will still sound the same.

Other than the repeating words, I do have another problem that I have to point out for your writing style, there are way too much dialogues in the story and it honestly sounds like a play-script. I do have to say that you have something special in your writing style; you have a wonderful ability of describing. Even though, your vocabulary are a little limited and it doesn't have those big words; I really love your style of describing. It may sound simple but mysteriously, I can picture the scene that you described in the story perfectly and that makes me very contended. Normally, many writers are unable to fulfill the requirement.

They aren't bad at English, many writers just doesn't have that motivation to make an effort to describe to the readers; that is the key-point to a badly-written fanfic(to be honest). However, your story is beautiful that way it is; with simple describing words. As for why I was partly upset when I read your story, it was because of the overuse of dialogues. It may seem to liven the story's atmostphere but too much of something isn't really a good thing.

You were overcrowding the story with dialogues. This is the reason why I am upset, you have that talented ability to describe the scenario perfectly and you seem to be trying the chance away by writing dialogues instead. In my opinion, if you choose to write dialogues; do not write more than 4 dialogues in a chapter. This will make the story sound too much like a play-script and that isn't a good thing. For me, I will recommend you to rely for on your describing ability to make your story shine. It will not be easy but you can't give up. Even though, your describing skills may be quite simply now; don't fret as I am certain that if you keep trying. You will shine in describing as you have the talent. Try harder! I believe in you!

Let's talk about another point here. I don't personally recommend fanfics that change the characters point of view too much. Try sticking on one character's thoughts because we don't want to get too many people involve in the views. Reading many characters' view, isn't really my type of writing style. If you really want to continue reading characters' point of view; you can write it in an in-direct way using 'Third Person's POV'. Let me give you an example:

Original:

I woke up early today since it’s been a while I played with Zelo at his house. I wore a white blouse matching with my white, long and favourite skirt before I headed over to zelo’s house.

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