A Lost Memory in Mokpo by suzyelf

Review by exoticbabylove

Title

When I first read the title, it totally gave me the feels. I didn't know why initially but I found out it was due to your emphasis on that memory on Mokpo. It was merely five words, however, it gave me that nostalgic feeling. So, I felt very proud of you when I read the title. It really attracted me to find out more about the story. However, I do have a query. Why must the 'I' in 'In' be in small letters? I would prefer a title with all capitals at the front of the words. Thus, it would be recommended for you to change that.

Next, is that I have to compliment you for chosing a title that connects to the title, the title has a very deep relationship with the content. I really like that so I can conclude that this title is the best choice for your story! Good job!

Language & Writing Style

I have to compliment you as your writing style really amuses me. Your wide use of personification makes the story more interesting. I like how you wrote 'black smoke swallowed....". The next thing is how you managed to catch the reader's attention by setting endless cliffhangers at the end of the chapter or summary. It made me click on the 'next' button immediately. However, I do have to say that you need improvement in your language as there are mistakes in your sentence structures as well as grammar. So let's have a look at them.

Black smoke swallowed the Music Bank's performance stage.

Personally, I do not think that there is a need for you to put 'the' in front of 'Music Bank'. It did make the sentence sound weird with that extra word. Try reading this sentence aloud several times and you will get what I mean. So, let's opt that word out.

The chorus of screaming fangirls was no match for Sung Ah's own heart beats.

Firstly, I do not think that 'chorus' is the best word choice to describe the screaming fangirls. I will recommend using 'hails' as at the point of time, the fangirls scream will be very desperate as they are fighting to save their lives and it should be 'heartbeat' as Sung Ah is singular and she only has one heart. Thus, it should be 'heartbeat' instead of 'heart beats'. So, do the neccessary corrections.

She faintly heard someone crying out, “Donghae oppa!”

Donghae! What happened to Donghae? Sung Ah thought frantically.

She searched the stage for Dumbo, but she could not find him apart from all the other concerned Super Junior members.

The first question that come to my mind was, who is Dumbo? You should address who is Dumbo first before using that term. The next is that awkward sentence structure at the which I underlined. I couldn't understand what you wanted to say, so please try to do the necessary changes.

[Chapter 1]Was a room with a bed and a bathroom ran by hot water to good to be true? Sung Ah had been thrown out of the apartment penniless.

First, I do have to say that you have misunderstood the meaning of two words: 'too' and 'to'. For the sentence above, it should be 'too good to be true' instead of 'to'. Here's an explanation I got from this link. Credits to the owner!

we use TO for expressing directions or objectives. usually with the verb ( to go) 

ex: 
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