Slowly, Painfully by SujuLadyrinth

Review by exoticbabylove

Title:

Personally, I didn't think that the title was the perfect choice as it didn't really have a strong connection to the story in my opinion. However, the title could depict the type of genre your fanfic is about, which is angst in this case. You used painfully as a description thus I did have a grasp of what the story is about. Now let's talk about how I felt when I first saw your title, I didn't give off that vibe which could attract readers' attention. It was merely a title describing how slow and painfully something is. Other than that, there wasn't an sense of wonder or queries in my head. In my opinion, a good title is one that gives readers queries and for them to answer their queries, they will then click on the story. 

Of course, you didn't reveal the whole story-line as this is only a one-shot but not revealing any information is another thing. People are piqued with curiosity so not much readers will click on the story if they see it. Next, I will have to compliment the length of the title. The title's length has a slight improvement compared to the last review I wrote for you. Two words are neither too long nor too short, plus I love short titles. But, it will be preferred if you could explain a bit more on the story. After reading the whole one-shot and analzye it, it was far better than my thought on the title initially. The title is better explained in the last part of the story, I only understood the meaning and importance of the title only after Junhong's death, so like I said, there wasn't a strong connection from the start and the middle of the story. Try harder! It takes time, but don't give up!

Language and Writing Style:

Compared to the last review, there wasn't any mix-up with the point of views as the story was mainly angled at Yongguk's point-of-view, so you have done a good job keeping to only a point-of-view and the appearance of the story was neat but some paragraphs were two spacings apart and some were three spacings apart so I will recommend you to keep the spacings neat and tidy throughout.  However, there is still some tenses mistakes in the story, but rest asssure the tenses that were wrong were quite minor. I would state some examples to let you have a view of how they look like. 

Let's have a look at it:

[Original Version]"I never want to be like them."

[Edited Version]"I would never want to be like them."

-->This is a very minor mistake but if you leave the 'would' out, it will sound weird. Don't you agree? Try reading the original sentence out loud several times and you will get what I mean.

[Original Version]"People didn't know, they didn't know, the reason why one person kill herself."

[Edited Version]"People didn't know the reason why people kill themselves."

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