She's My Loser...And Only My Loser by BAPBaby4Ever

Review Written by exoticbabylove

Title:

I do have to admit that your title is too lengthy for me. Normally, readers would fancy short and sweet titles and yours’ is a little too long and it will be hard to readers to remember it. Honestly, I have to say that there isn’t a special tingling effect when I read your title; simply saying, your title is not attractive. I do have to apologize for saying this but I have to let you know a reader’s opinion.

Next, I don’t really recommend using ellipsis(...) in titles. In fact ellipsis makes your title into an incomplete sentence. We are looking for short and sweet titles but it somehow became a sentence that can be connected to the summary of the story. I do have to offer you some tips. Firstly, for your title to shine out from the rest. You will have to use special and unique words or adjectives to enhance the words. In other words, the word choice is an essential part for everything.

For titles, I wouldn’t suggest using more than four words in the title. The ideal word choice will be around two to three words. Besides, I do have to share with you my feelings when I saw your title. Honestly, without sugar-coating my words, I found the title very cheesy and based on the title. You wrote ‘she is my loser’ so this sentences belongs to a male character, so my closest estimate will be the Nu’est boys. So, I have to say that the story content and the title is inconsistent. I do have to applaud when I saw a Nu’est fic. However, there was something wrong, very wrong. If you wrote ‘she is my loser, only my loser’.

This should be words from Baekho so it was in fact very inconsistent when the story changed to Mimi’s point of view. The story should be in Baekho’s point of view so I was feeling very lost when I saw this.

Language & Writing Style:

There are many mistakes like spelling and sentence structure that sounded rather awkward and weird. So let’s have a look at them:
This may seem like your typical story about a loser girl and so and so forth...but some how...mine is different. My whole life changed with just one look to him. After I saw those gorgeous eyes...well, I wont tell you a lot because I dont want to ruin it for you guys.

Look at the sentence that is red in colour, I do have to say that the sentence was very poorly-structured to be honest. You have to write without those ellipsis(...), please refrain from using them as much as you can as I can totally see that you are having a habit of using ellipsis. You have to remember that writing and typing to a close friend isn’t the same. You are allowed to use whatever you want in chats and informal conversations. However, writing is different. You have to think twice; using too much ellipsis is a problem. The whole chunk will not be considered as complete sentences.

I do have to confess that the summary(description and foreword of the story) sounded more like an informal diary entry. There were many informal writing and I feel like I am reading a journal entry. I have to tell you the truth so that you can understand how normal readers will feel. So, pardon me if I sound critical and harsh.

Next, look at the purple sentence. That certain sentence does not even make sense to me at all. At the first part I still understood but after I met up with this phrase ‘life changed with just one look to him’, I couldn’t comprehend what you were trying to say. It did took a while to understand your meaning behind the sentence. So, you were trying to say that Mimi fell in love at first sight? Yes, please learn to be more specific with your sentences. Learn to construct solid sentences; it isn’t easy but you would have to try. You have potential but you need to work hard. Try reading more English books.

When I say books, I meant books like novels not fanfics. You can’t learn much English if you read fanfics, I will recommend reading reference books too. They are important for all English learners. You shouldn’t be discouraged as I am reading reference books too. Try harder and you can do it! What I meant by writing informally, look at the blue sentence next to the purple one at the top example:

It should be “I won’t” instead of “I wont”, the inverted commas are essential so you will have to remember this when you are writing in the future. Do make a change in your story after reading this review. The same applies to “I’m”, “I’ve” and many others. Do yourself a favor by reading all these guides. Is that fine? If you have any queries, just ask me in the comment box.

For your writing style, there are actually some problems. You have to refrain from writing all these type of notes in the story, let me show you an example: “I wont tell you a lot because I dont want to ruin it for you guys.” You shouldn’t write all these small author notes telling the readers that you will not reveal much. First, I have to compliment you for not telling the readers the whole plot-line but I found that note irrelevant. The readers can judge that for themselves.

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